To Where We Belong
by Reni-Maniac
Summary: Ten years after moving to California a coincidental meeting brings Harm back to Washington and the woman he once loved.
1. Two Lives Apart

Summary: Ten years after moving to California a coincidental meeting brings Harm back to Washington and the woman he once loved.

Spoiler: I took this from the beginning of season nine, maybe 'Shifting Sands'. After that I let out the parts that wouldn't fit this story.

Disclaimer: I don't own the people I've been writing about and I don't own the basic idea for the plot either, I just wanna have some fun.

_Just a little warning: This might be a little out of character, but I tried to make it all sound __reasonable._

Flashbacks will be in italic.

This is kind of an old story, I've written a while back and at the moment I'm not quite happy with its style. But a friend urged me to post it nonetheless, so here it is. _(Are you happy now, Vampirecat?)_ Tell me what you think please.

* * *

**TO WHERE WE BELONG**

**1 – Two Lives Apart**  


"Hello." The man smiled warmly when stepping onto the porch facing his backyard.

"Hi." The girl answering was about 19 and watching two kids playing in the garden while doing some kind of homework herself.

"No work for me tomorrow. So you're off, we'll see you on Monday."

"Thanks." And with that the babysitter grabbed her books and started to leave. She had been working with this family since being 17 and they had all grown pretty fond of each other. She waved a goodbye to the kids. "Bye you two!" and was gone.

"Bye Amy," the girl shouted and only now did she realize that her dad was home.

The little boy was out of the sandbox in no time and running to his daddy. His sister followed behind. Taking a slower step she figured more fitting her age. She was 9 already and not a baby like her five year old brother. When the latter had reached his father who had waited for him on the porch he wrapped his arms around the neck of the tall man who had knelt down. By now the girl had joined them and was greeted by her father with a kiss on top of her head.

"Hi daddy," she smiled.

When the greetings were done, the man turned round and headed for the chair Amy had been sitting at.

"Look dad. Kenny marked his hands on your back."

"Oh, did he really? My summer whites never last long around you two, do they?" he asked in a mocked voice, but his eyes were sparkling with joy.

"Hey daddy look, I'm a sailor."

The man's eyes drifted to the little boy. His whole head was hidden underneath his father's cover.

"Come over here sailor."

Carefully Kenny stepped closer to his father and sister, minding his step due to hardly seeing anything. The man pushed the cover a bit farther into the boy's neck and was greeted with two big blue eyes looking at him revealing childish joy.

"I'm going to the Navy when I'm big. Just like you daddy!"

"You surely do!" his father said and saluted his son wherefore the boy did likewise. But with this movement, the hat had once again fallen into his face completely hiding it from view. Hannah had to laugh at the looks of her brother and shortly both males were joining her.

Captain Harmon Rabb jr., base JAG at NAS North Island California, definitely loved being around his children.

ooooo

Approximately 2500 miles east and 2 hours later in the outskirts of Washington DC there was a woman lying awake in her bed, thinking about life in general and her life in special. Sure enough she was glad with the way things were. She had an amazing son, an interesting job and a couple of very good friends. But one thing was missing. Love had never been an easy thing for her. She had gone through all the ups and downs. She had been married, widowed, engaged, secretly in love and involved in several love affairs over the years. But nothing had been lasting so far. Most failures were to blame on her. But now she was longing for someone, not only for her, but for her son all the same. He was going to grow into puberty so fast and would need some male to talk to by then. Only for the glimpse of a moment did his father resurface in her memories, but she managed to ignore him. He was gone and never to come back.

She turned around face down into the pillow and tried to force her mind to rest so she could sleep. She felt the seconds tick by. 0145 … 0146.

She sighed and turned back on her back never once opening her eyes. She didn't have to. Sarah MacKenzie could tell the time by heart. Ever since the age of fifteen had she been capable to do so. And it would not have helped any opening her eyes, because there wasn't a clock in the whole room. There weren't many clocks in the whole house either. Although her son wasn't able to tell exactly the right time yet, he was learning fast. He had been the first to learn from her how to do it. And with this loving thought of Aaron she finally drifted to sleep.

ooooo

Luckily the Friday had not been that long. So Mac was on her way home by 2 pm and was even an hour early. That gave her time to shower and put some civvies on. It wasn't that she did not love her Marine Corps uniform but there were more comfortable things to wear.

Now she was standing in front of her huge wardrobe full of shoes and was searching for a fitting pair. With all these shoes she remembered something she had once told her former partner: _'I want a life that is simple and good, a great career, a good man and shoes, lots and lots of comfortable shoes.'_ For a few minutes her mind focused on Harmon Rabb. She wondered where he was now and what he'd be doing this very moment. When he had transferred out of JAG about half a year after getting his commission back they had lost contact fast. Both of them seemed to be equally relieved about ending their highly stressed 'relationship' and not bothering to work it out. They had tried though. In the end things didn't work. When she couldn't come up with anything about him, though she might ask the Roberts for he'd probably still be in contact with his godsons, their godsons, Mac's mind focused back on the wishes she had voiced that long ago. She had reached the good career within the Corps and Aaron was as good a family as she had hoped. But the shoes, she was still facing this problem. Finally she decided on a pair and was ready to go.

ooooo

"Somebody here?" she called when she had entered the house across the street where Aaron stayed in the afternoons with his best friend. After all Jimmy and him where only about 14 months apart in age.

"We're over here," Harriet Roberts called back.

Mac followed her voice into the living room and found both Harriet and her husband seated on the sofa and reading the paper.

"Hi. Bud, congratulations on your victory in court. I heard you gave Sturgis a hard time."

"Thanks ma'am," smiled Bud, but instantly focused back on the article he was reading.

Commander Bud Roberts was now one of the senior lawyers at JAG and doing pretty well and Harriet was the soul of the whole office keeping everything in place.

"The boys are in the garden."

"I see." Mac had spotted them up in the tree house the moment Harriet had told her.

"Aaron, ready to go?"

"Just a moment mum," came the boy's voice from somewhere up that tree.

"I want you here ASAP. It's you who wanted to see the movie, remember?"

"I'm coming." And in a very Tarzan-like manner he came down a rope and landed only one foot away from the veranda and his mother.

"Hi mum," he grinned. "Tell you what?"

"Hh?"

"Jimmy's going to summer camp this year. Can I go too?"

She hesitated a moment to think about it. And when she looked back down at her son she found him staring up at her with this pleading puppies look she couldn't resist a minute.

"We'll see about it. I'm talking to Harriet first, alright?"

Aaron was satisfied with that and was on to the next thing.

He called up the tree. "Hey Jimmy want to see this film I told you about?" and without taking a break he turned back to his mother and asked, "Could we take Jimmy please?"

And in no time Mac was in a cinema with two preteen boys along with other kids the same age. But Sarah MacKenzie wouldn't want to miss a beat.

ooooo

Harm was waiting at the schoolyard for taking his daughter home. Kenny was running around, he was into the weekend for about an hour already and obviously happy about it.

Harm had to smile watching him. He had changed so much within the years. And only for the better.

"Hello Captain."

"Hello Lieutenant," he greeted the Afro-American woman who just stopped next to him.

Living on a Navy Base there was nothing unusual about being greeted by rank even when in civvies. Most military people seemed to recall ranks more easily than names. And although he was not showing his age of 50 each time someone spoke his rank at the school of his kids he felt old. Most of the parents were much younger and only Lt. or Lt. Cmdr. at highest.

"Are you sending Hannah to summer camp this year?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Haven't thought about it yet."

"I'm sending Susan and a lot of the other kids are going as well."

"I'll see about it when Hannah's asking, I guess."

"It only was kind of secret hint. You could relax while she's having fun with her best friends."

When Hannah came out she didn't ask about summer camp and Harm was glad about that. He enjoyed the rest of the day and the following weekend with both his children.

By Sunday when they were driving back from La Jolla visiting their grandparents he found the courage to ask her.

"Han, I've heard about a summer camp all your friends are going to this vacation." He watched her closely in the rearview mirror.

"Yeah, they've told me."

So she'd heard, he wondered why she hadn't told him. "You want to go?"

"No, I would miss you while I'm there."

"No you won't. You'll have lots of fun and no time to think about us." 'What am I doing here? I am talking my daughter into something she doesn't want to do and I don't want her to do. No it's not that I don't want her to have fun, but I don't want to let her go. It'll be the first time ever.'

"Maybe I can ask Susan or Brandon what that's all about." Hannah had obviously thought about the fun-aspect.

ooooo

The moment he opened the door on Monday evening Hannah was by his side.

"Daddy I'd like to go. They've got boats and horses over there. You can go play in the mountains. Daddy please!"

She was so excited it had been hard for her to get these lines out straight.

"Thank god you're here Mr. Rabb. She's been talking about nothing else ever since she came home from school." Amy made a mocking face.

Harm smiled at the babysitter and turned back to his daughter.

"So what's the name of the camp so we can book you a place?"

"I don't know. But Susan's mum will know."

So Harm called Lt. Carter and asked all he needed to know about the camp.

"It's in Colorado? How are they going to get there?"

"By plane and by bus. But it's pretty good organized, it's a Navy run camp after all. They've never yet lost a child." He heard the young woman laugh.

"You got my daughter very much infected. She'll be going if I can get her a place."

Hannah was bouncing up and down next to his desk. Her smile had grown even wider than the moment he had come home. She was totally crazy about spending the summer in Colorado. And he was fighting hard to keep the fear of letting her go shut down deep inside.


	2. Letting Go

**2 – Letting Go  
**

Vacation time was there in a much too short time both in Virginia and California.

Mac and Aaron had gone to Dulles with Harriet and Jimmy. They had joined some other kids with their parents in tow.

"I pity the stewardess who's going to go with all these kids," Mac said to Harriet after having a look around and seeing about fifteen other kids running all over the place and yelling loudly at each other.

"Mac, you're okay with letting him go?" Harriet had a close look at her friend. "It's easier with the second. And they're always coming back."

Mac nodded. "That's what I fear," she tried to joke.

Harriet took her hand and squeezed it for a moment. "I told Jimmy to have a look at him."

"Thanks. You're helping so much. Ever since Aaron was born."

"You're welcome. That's what friends are for." Harriet thought about Harm and him fleeing to California. But at least he had left after the birth. He helped her through that although Harriet didn't know why he did. But she guessed it had been the last afford on both sides to save what was left of their friendship.

Suddenly three women were calling for some calm.

"We'll be checking in shortly. Say goodbye to your parents. We're due to be back in three weeks time."

Mac hugged both Aaron and Jimmy before they hurried off to join another friend being the first in the row.

A small tear found its way down Mac's cheek when she saw Aaron leave through the Gateway. She would have to make the best of these weeks. Doing some adult things and stuff.

ooooo

Harm, Kenny and an over excited Hannah stood in front of the school together with other parents and children waiting for the bus. Though Hannah seemed to be very much convinced when she had first heard about all the things to do there she was momentary back to being anxious about missing her dad and brother.

"Han, you can take Stuppy if you like to." Kenny was holding his well used teddy bear up to his big sister.

Hannah reached out to take the puppy from her brother but stopped in time. Slowly she shook her head. 'I'm a big girl I won't need no cuddle toy.' But being that big a girl didn't stop her from shedding some tears, she didn't want to go. 'Daddy won't force me, would he?'

When his sister declined this special gift little Kenny started to cry, after all he was a five year old offering her his biggest treasure.

So in a matter of seconds Harm found himself confronted with two crying children, although Hannah was fighting hard to keep her tears from him. He knelt down next to his son and pulled him into a hug. He was probably right about Hannah not wanting to be hold like a baby in front of all her friends so he caressed Kenny first. When calming him he had a look around. Most of the younger children going the first time where facing similar problems. More than half of them where sticking close to their parents and what even forced him to smile were all those teddy bears, blue mice, pink dogs and all sorts of other animals sticking out of each and every bag or children's arms.

Harm carefully showed this new discovery to his daughter. "See you can bring someone."

Hannah followed her father's pointed finger around the schoolyard. He was right. She could even see some especially big something poking out of tough Danny's bag. She turned round facing the back of her brother who was still sobbing at Harm's chest.

"Kenny, do you still think Stuppy likes to see Colorado?" She waited for her little brother to react.

Slowly he was lifting his head turning it to face his sister. "Stuppy, want to go to the mountains?" he asked the toy tightly clutched between his arm and his fathers chest.

All three of them were now watching the little teddy. Until finally he nodded its head. "But you have to be nice to him!" he begged his sister eyes being wide with fear for his best friend.

"I do. I promise." Hannah kissed two fingers of her right hand and pressed them to her heart.

That was all Kenny needed. He kissed his Stuppy first and then moved on to his sister before he trusted the toy into her arms.

Harm let out a sigh. That's one thing being covered. So he only needed to get her into the bus without getting all of them upset again. This thing was covered with nearly as less losses as the issue before when the bus stopped by and kids started to board, leaving both happy and sad looking parents behind.

It was Susan who did the real job. She practically dragged her best friend to follow her into the waiting vehicle. Everything Harm could do was giving her a short kiss goodbye and wish her fun. It was Kenny who started to cry when he finally realized that both his beloved toy and his adored sister were leaving when he saw the bus take off and Hannah and all the other kids waving goodbye. Even Stuppy was waving his right leg.

"So Captain what you're going to do now?" Lt. Carter asked when the kids faded into the distance.

"I still got one left," Harm answered smiling at her and ushering the back of his son. "We have three weeks of pure guy things to do I guess. Poker maybe, some beers at nights." His words were showing off much more ease than he was feeling inside. But it seemed to work.

ooooo

When Mac entered her now deserted home she tried to think of all the things she could do while Aaron was away. But she couldn't think of any. She just wanted the three weeks to be over.

Their kitchen was right down the hall and she moved there for the lack of doing anything better. Without even thinking about it, she filled some water into the heater and found a vanilla tea in one of the cupboards. When the tea was ready she moved back out to the living room leaving her purse on the island in the kitchen. She settled down into one of the old armchairs and stared at the wall. The wall was covered with old memories. Pictures of Aaron being little, pictures of her friends at JAG. And one or two old ones even showing Harm.

She thought of old times. The time Aaron was born. She remembered how hard it was not being able to tell her best friends who his father was. But she and him had agreed on that, it would be the best if they didn't know. But they had also agreed on making Bud and Harriet godparents, it had been her wish for so long. After being godparent to AJ and Jimmy and having their daughter being named after her, Mac did feel the need to give them back something. And they were her best friends anyway. She wanted them to be part of Aaron's life.

ooooo

The children from California were the first to arrive in the Camp. And surrounded by this beautiful landscape and seeing all the things to do Hannah's whole attitude changed. She no longer was the little girl afraid to miss her papa. Being the first brought the privilege of finding the best house.

"Girls go to the right, boys stay left," one of the adults in charge told them.

Hannah was off right away with Susan at her tail. "See you Bran," she called while running to a house someway up a little hill.

ooooo

While his daughter was on her ride to joyous three weeks in a summer camp Harm had taken Kenny to the beach. The little boy was totally crazy about the ocean. First they had taken some splendid time to just enjoy the warm water, one of many privileges of growing up west. By the time they got out of the water Kenny had been that exhausted that he fell asleep the moment he lay down next to his father. Now Harm was lying on the towel, his feet covered with warm sand, his skin dried by the sun and watching the steady breathing of his son.

_He watched the little breast move slowly up and down. It was so little, looking so fragile. For a moment he had to smile. This was his son lying there, taking his first breaths. Harm touched the glass of the window that parted him from his son. _

"Which one is it?"

"First one on the right, second row."

"Oh, he's so cute," a woman's voice could be heard next to him.

He didn't turn around to face her. He wanted to be alone, alone with his son, taking in every single feature of the little one's face. He wanted to remember it all.

Finally he slowly turned around, he had to. "Hi Harriet, Bud," he greeted his friends.

"Hi. We came right here." He had called them the moment the baby was taken from his mother and brought over here. He had been with him ever since.

They stood in silence all three of them watching the babies lying behind the window, but always keeping the focus on the little boy. Once Harm's eyes focused on another baby, obviously a little girl third row, as the bracelet was pink, and stayed there for a while, though none of his friends registered. He couldn't read the name, but he knew it was born this same day. A nurse had brought the baby around the same time as his son was brought into nursery.

He once again focused on Harriet and Bud. "Want to see her? They would bring the baby in her room shortly."

With a last look at the baby they turned around and followed Harm to the room of the baby's mother.

"Hi. Nice to see you."

"Harm called. It's okay, isn't it?" Harriet answered while she leaned down to give the new mother a hug.

"Sure it is. Have you seen him yet?" Her eyes were wandering from Harriet over Bud until they rested on Harm and were immediately locked with his. She could see some sadness in them although he tried to hide it. And the moment he saw in her eyes what she had seen in his he cast them down to his feet and broke the contact. He still stayed close to the door, as if not wanting to disturb.

There was a soft knock on the door and Harm turned round for opening it. The nurse was bringing the crib and the baby. Both Harriet and Bud turned for a closer look.

"He'd to be fed in about 15 minutes. I'll be back to help you." The nurse left the room once again.

As Harm wanted to close the door there was another knock and the Admiral entered followed by Meredith and Sturgis.

"Hey everybody."

"You're feeling fit for more guests?" AJ wanted to know and received a nod.

"Only 10 more minutes though. The nurse will be back by then," Harm stated.

"Do you already have a name?"

"Not yet."

"You can name him after me if you like," Sturgis smiled brightly while he looked into the crib softly touching one of the small hands.

ooooo

"I'm staying on top." And with that she threw Stuppy at the bunk bed next to the window.

"Me too." Susan did choose the bed opposing Hannah's whereas both beds stuck together at the head.

Quickly all other beds were covered by little girls their age and the noise got louder. All were pretty much excited.

Having made her rights for the bed clear both girls headed out of the house and over to where their friend Brandon was staying.

When they crossed the huge free space in front of the biggest house of all there were more children arriving. The age of them diverting from 6 to about 14 (which were only a few).

Having not seen where their friend went they had to try all the houses to find him.

"Bran you're in here?"

They had already been to three houses so far when they finally found him.

"I'm over here, at the back." He waved them over to the bed he was sitting at.

They seated themselves at the still unoccupied bunk and began to chat.

After a while four boys came bouncing into the room.

"Thought this is a boy's house," the tallest stated when seeing Susan and Hannah.

"We are, don't you see," Hannah gave back but shaking her shoulder-long hair all the while.

The boy only gave a short snort before he took off to find himself a bed.

The last of the four was trailing a short way behind, kind of shy as what to do now. He stood in the middle of the room and turned round two times. He was looking for a bed. He would hate it if he had to go somewhere else, he wanted to stay with his friends, all of them now already unpacking their things.

Hannah and Susan both watched the boy closely. He had short brown hair and looked as if he was their age.

"Want to call your mommy to find you a bed?" an older boy called at him from somewhere at Hannah's left. And immediately laughter started.

The boy was only shaking his head, his eyes still searching for somewhere to stay. And after having passed Hannah for the second time they finally fixed on her. Slowly he took some steps in their direction.

His voice was only slightly above a whisper when he asked "This bed taken?"

Hannah got up from the bed pulling Susan behind who was still watching the boy wide-eyed. "Not yet," she smiled.

"Thanks." His voice was steadier now. 'Good that mum's not here. I'm not acting very self-assured. She'd be kind of embarrassed.'

"Bran coming with us to have a look around?" Hannah wanted to leave the scene, it felt strange to be here. Never had she minded being with boys. She had always been around men and boys. But now it felt different, this boy felt different.

All three of them left the house for a short stroll outside.

"This one's cute." Susan flashed Hannah a bright smile.

"He's a funk," both Brandon and Hannah said in unison.

ooooo

Kenny was now up and started building a sandcastle nearby. Harm had a close look at him but kept to remain in his memories.

_The moment the nurse came back all guest filtered out of the room. Harm was the last to leave. He glanced back at his son and his mother. She looked so naturally the way she was holding him. _

She was turning her head when she felt his eyes resting on her. Maybe she should ask him to stay. But when she faced the door he was already gone.

Harm was back at the nursery while everybody else headed for the cafeteria. His eyes searched for the little girl in third row. She wasn't there. Breathing heavily he leaned his forehead against the cold window. When he looked back up again the little girl was back in the room. A nurse was sitting in one of the rocking chairs. She was feeding her some milk. He looked at his watch. It was lunchtime all around. A little smile spread across his face. He watched until the girl had finished and was laid back into bed after her burp. He could picture his son doing some soft burp back in his mother's room. He stayed some more minutes for just watching this baby girl.

When he went back and entered the room all of his friends were gone and his son was sleeping in his crib next to his mother's bed.

He sat down at her other side. She looked like she was asleep. Only softly he touched her hand, afraid of waking her. She needed to rest.

"Harm?" came the murmured voice.

"Sorry I woke you. I just wanted to stay a little."

"It's okay. Where have you been?"

"At the nursery. They've got this cute little girl over there." His eyes were shining now and small tears started to fill the corners of his eyes.

"Thanks for everything," she whispered and her hand came to his eyes taking the tears away that threatened to fall.

"Thanks to you," he whispered back and leaned down for a soft kiss.

ooooo

When they returned from the lake it was time for a late lunch. Not knowing where to go they only followed the crowd.

Obviously the place for getting ones meals was in the big house in the middle. They found three places at the far end of the room. Hannah watched the room. There were about two hundred children in this place and not all of the seats were taken by now. Every now and then she spotted someone she knew from her ride here or from the base. And then she spotted him. He was sitting with the three boys he came into the house with and was chatting along. He seemed relaxed by now.

Lunch was mashed potatoes and steak for everyone who wanted and salad and veggies for those who didn't. And although her dad was a vegetarian he had never forced his kids to be. Sure they weren't getting many fat and unhealthy things to eat. But he would make them meat if they wanted to. So Hannah took the steak.

She was curious at what the boy would choose so she tried to find him in the crowd. When she found him she saw that his plate was laden with a huge amount of mashed potatoes and some salad. That was an odd combination.

The lunch was fun. The noise level was very high but nobody seemed to mind. Kids talked to neighbors they had only just met. Hannah made contact to two boys opposing her. They were from a Navy base in Florida. Both were fun to talk to. They knew a whole lot of stories about alligators, though Hannah doubted that they've ever met some out of the zoo. But she laughed nonetheless. And during the whole meal she wasn't once looking back up to find this boy.

ooooo

Mac had decided to take a long hot bath, including being totally out of reach. She found herself some milk'n'honey bubble bath and filled the big tub. She had to smile when she thought about the day she had bought it.

_Aaron had insisted of coming. And now they were standing in front of some tubs with an assistant nearby. While Mac had a look at a particular nice one Aaron slipped out of her hand and wandered off some way. He was about 25 months and in a period where he climbed everything. Suddenly Mac heard him call "Mommy", but it didn't sound panicked or something. Mac thought it was more an excited cry. She had to search him for a while and finally found him lying in one of the tubs. _

"Hav'n bath," he said as matter of fact.

"Hey, do you like that one?" She knelt down next to him wanting to lift him out.

"Mommy coming, hav'n bath."

"No, mommy won't come in there. It's not our bathroom and there's no water in it." She held her hand next to him and moved it around. "See?"

"Mommy hav'n bath!" he insisted. And started to cry.

Mac stood up and turned around. "May I?"

The assistant only waved his hand as if to dismiss her and smiled. This boy was a handful, but she was up to it, he was sure. "Go ahead."

And with that Mac joined her son in the tub. Aaron stopped crying the moment he saw his mother stepping over the edge. He crawled into her lab when she had seated herself. And out of habit she leaned back and closed her eyes.

When she opened them a moment later the still smiling assistant was joined by some curious customers.

"I'm taking this one." And with that she lifted Aaron out of the tub and followed the assistant.

By now the hot water had cooled down enough for her to step into it. And with a sigh she covered her whole body in the hot soft bath. She hadn't done that in a long time.

* * *

TBC?

That's up to you. I've got it all complete, just need to know whether somebody bothers to read this. ;)


	3. Meeting Your New Best Friend

Oh my god, I never would have thought to get that many positive reviews… so THANKS A LOT. 

I plan on updating regularly once a week for some special reason (whichshould get clear by the end of this story) as long as you keep reading ;)

* * *

**3 – Meeting Your New Best Friend  
**

Only when the group of them were leaving the hall did Hannah's mind settle back onto that particular boy. But only because she bumped right into him while talking to Brandon.

"Hey couldn't you wa-" she was snapping but stopped when she realized who he was.

"It was you, who bumped into me," he reasoned his voice just slightly raised.

"Never! If you would have opened your eyes you'd see me coming." She nodded her head to make her point and crossed her arms in front of her chest, just the way her father did when stating something obvious.

His head was darting forward so that their noses were nearly touching. They were both the same height so they were staring right into each others eyes. All four having a dark brown color and gleaming with anger.

"Never heard of who's behind is always at fault? You should watch when people stop before you."

"You shouldn't have stopped in the first place then!" And with that she turned and walked away. Never would she admit that he was right. Not to him anyway, and not in front of her friends.

"She's definitely Navy though," the boy whispered.

"Hey Aaron watch your mouth. Both my parents are, remember. And I still can get at you," the blond boy next to him told him with a teasing smile.

"Never mind Jimmy. I do like your parents, _although_ they're Navy." Both boys were smiling now and started to head out of the room, ready to explore their surroundings.

ooooo

This day they didn't meet again, thanks to Brandon who didn't mind not going back to his house until bedtime. And the good luck lasted until after breakfast the next day.

The camp staff had arranged for some activities this morning. So they gathered all kids and divided them up into groups referring to age. And because Jimmy and both his friends were about a year older than he was Aaron found himself in the group of younger children all alone. He would not like that very much. He was not so easy at finding new friends. That had been a main reason why Mac had thought of sending him here was a good move.

"How about a little boat race on the lake?"

The question was answered with loud cheering from all of the kids. Even Aaron joined in. Maybe this would be fun.

"But we got a little request. There'd be teams of two, a boy and a girl each. So it will be fairer."

Oh good lord, he'd have to partner up with a girl. He had a look around searching for a girl that wasn't teamed up yet. But all the girls he could see were already heading off to the lake with some boy or other.

The moment the guardian made the announcement Susan turned round and asked Brandon to join her. He didn't mind. So both were now walking down to the shore leaving Hannah behind in search of a partner.

More and more kids were heading after the adults who were already preparing the boats. And as if to make it all clear after some minutes the only ones left were Hannah and Aaron. They stood a distance apart and neither made a move. They only glared at each other.

'Not her!'

'Couldn't he turn into somebody else?'

"Hey you two up there, mind to join us so we can start?"

Both sighing heavily they headed down but still keeping their distance. When they joined the others a man about the age of twenty started to describe how to run the canoe. All of them were looking really excited, most of them because it was their first time canoeing others because they already had the joy of doing so.

ooooo

"As you aren't that many we make it a competition. We go by five boats each race and the best two will qualify for next. Okay?" he earned a huge nodding.

The competition was on track very fast. The teams were changing rapidly. Losing children were looking a bit sappy but after a few minutes they were happy with cheering loudly for others.

Hannah and Aaron were in the last race to be held. That was due to not getting any closer to each other or being eager to get into the same boat.

"We don't have a canoe that long. So the two of you have to step a bit nearer." The man was pushing Aaron near Hannah who was next to the canoe they were going to share.

"But it's me in front."

"Yeah, so you can't bump into me again," Aaron gave back.

They both climbed the boat and got ready for the start.

'I'd see about we're the slowest, I don't want to share a boat again,' Hannah told herself.

'What if I go backwards? But with her, I won't stand a chance anyway even if going the right way.'

But once the start signal had been given both kids couldn't help but being the children of their parents. They wanted to be the best. It was in their genes to do the best they were capable of. Neither of them would accept anything less of themselves. And they definitely were. They ended the race two lengths ahead of the next canoe.

"That was quite a race!" Some of the people seemed to be really impressed with the two kids.

ooooo

Although Aaron and Hannah weren't spending any time together during the other races, they were like one when stepping into the canoe and starting for another win. During races they naturally didn't talk, but they wouldn't talk afterwards either and there was no sign of being glad about their victory.

Then there was the last race. Only four boats were left. Meanwhile many other kids of the camp had stopped their respective activities and were now gathered at the lake. Susan and Brandon were standing next to the jetty, as were Jimmy and his friends. They were all cheering loudly for Hannah and Aaron.

And the first sign of any team-spirit showed shortly before the start when Hannah slightly nodded her head to Aaron and he smiled back.

Then the race began. And like before their canoe was in the lead right from the start. But this time they met an equal partner. The boat next to theirs gained speed and got closer. They had to push hard if they wanted to win.

The finish line was getting nearer and still the other boat was next to theirs.

"Just pull harder!" both said at the same time to make the other move faster.

And with a last hard pushing of their paddles they were crossing the line only inches before the others. They won.

The moment they did, both Hannah and Aaron laughed out loud. They both had thought exactly the same, at the same time. Maybe they weren't that different at all. When they had finally stopped laughing Hannah turned round reaching Aaron her outstretched hand. He took and shook it wildly. His smile went wide when Hannah looked shocked for a moment but then she joined in.

Back at the jetty they were greeted by a cheering crowd. They were the winning team. Both were flashing identical wide grins at everybody around.

"Thanks," she whispered when she gave Aaron a hug.

Now it was his turn to be surprised.

The canoe-race had changed things between them, yesterdays encounter was forgotten. All of them, Hannah and Aaron, Susan and Brandon and Jimmy and his two friends as well were now heading for the boys dorm house chatting idly along the way.

ooooo

That was the start of a very good friendship. It came so naturally. Hannah had never been someone to be without friends for long, but still having Aaron for a friend felt so much more special. Somehow he seemed to understand all her thoughts. And Aaron wasn't feeling much different either. Within these few days she had grown his best friend, closer even than Jimmy and him he'd known since the day he could think. So Aaron spent most of his time with Brandon, Susan and Hannah, while Jimmy took off with his older friends. He and Hannah were an unbreakable pair. In each and every team game they were partnered. They did win some, they did lose some. But never ever did they fight again until one day at the beginning of the third week.

"Navy rules!" They had just won another game and Hannah was really happy and excited about that one. She didn't recall that most of the other kids' parents were in the Navy as well with it being a Navy camp.

"Never!" Aaron looked at her in what he thought of being a teasing face.

"Hehh?" Hannah was totally thrown out of way by his statement. Then it clicked. "Don't say you're a Marine."

"Sure as hell I am." He was proud of his mother being a Marine and he liked thinking being one himself. "From the moment you bumped into me in the mess I knew you were Navy. They always need somebody to look out for them."

It wasn't that he really thought badly about the Navy - matter of fact the US Marine Corps was a department of the Navy – but he thought of teasing his friend a little. He had heard his mother doing this with Sturgis or even Jimmy's mum. And they never minded. But obviously Hannah was another kind of story.

She just gave him an angry glare and moved towards her house. Something she couldn't stand was somebody insulting the Navy, though she didn't know why she felt that strong about it, but she did.

"Hey squid wait," Aaron jelled after her.

Hannah didn't even look back, she only hurried down the way eager to reach the house and shut him out.

Aaron jogged after her. He had probably gone too far. He should apologize. That's what his mother taught him to do, always apologize when you've been wrong. When he had finally reached her he grabbed for her arm.

"Hannah wait." He hesitated for a moment. "I'm sorry."

She glared at him once more and before her eyes started to twinkle. That's not going to be easy for him. "What for JARHEAD?"

"For you being Navy?" he bid his teeth but stood straight before her. Marines never gonna duck.

After a moment which both had been staring into the other one's eyes they burst out laughing.

"You tell me something about your Marine parents?" Hannah wanted to know when she had calmed down a bit.

"No parents, only my mum and me. But I do, when you tell about yours. Do we have a deal?"

Hannah nodded and once again headed off for her house.

"Hey I thought we're going to talk?"

"We do. Right up that way there is a nice spot. Most of the time there are no people around."

"Okay let's go then."

ooooo

Twenty minutes later they were seated up a tree and talking about their parents.

"So what's your mum doing with the Marines?"

"She's a lawyer with JAG."

"Hey my dad's too. You're not from the west coast, are you?"

"Nope, my mum and I live near Washington DC. But JAG is in Virginia."

"I think my dad once told me he'd come from over there before I was born."

"We live across the street from Jimmy and his family. His parents are my godparents and my mum is his."

"I don't think I have any godparents. At least I haven't met them yet. It's only me, my brother and my dad. And my grandparents."

"That's something I don't have. Though the Admiral is very good at being my grandpa." He thought about AJ and Meredith being a set of grandparents to all the children in the JAG bunch. And with his mother don't having her parents left and not knowing his father they were the only pair of grandparents he had.

"You've got an admiral for grandfather?"

"Yeah, he was my mum's CO until last year. But he is a very good friend. So what about you? You don't have a mum right?"

"I've never met her. My dad doesn't want to talk about her, so I don't ask. And it's always great being with him and Kenny."

"Brandon told me once that you're all from California. I'd love to live there."

"I'd love to live east. We never do have snow in California."

"Which base do you live at?"

"NAS North Island."

Aaron thought a moment about her last statement before his eyes got wide and excitement could be heard in his voice. "Isn't that were some of the carriers and submarines are stationed?"

"Sure. But most of the time they aren't there anyway."

"Boah. I really loved to see these carriers. I like big ships."

Hannah grinned and started to hum an old song she'd once heard that popped up on her mind. "I like big butts and I cannot lie…"

After a moment of perplexity when he didn't know what Hannah was doing Aaron joined in and sang along. Both of them singing loudly somewhere up in a tree.

"It's out of Shrek, isn't it?"

Hannah nodded. "Bonus material of the first movie. So what's with you and those big ships? Haven't you seen a carrier?"

"Once. When mum took me to Norfolk to visit some friend. And ever since I loved them. Are you allowed to go on board when they are ported? We could only watch from the quay."

"Normally you aren't I think." She wasn't that excited about aircraft carriers anymore. When she was little and Kenny not yet with them her father brought her to the bay each time one of the ships came into port. Later she wasn't interested in the ships themselves, but in the aircraft they carried.

"But you were, right?" He just sat on his branch and closely watched her, not to miss a word she might speak.

"No, not on one that lay in port. But San Diego got a museum where you could board an old one. We've been there a few times and my dad showed us around and explained a lot. Each and every time. They aren't that big at all." She looked Aaron into the eyes seeing if her teasing found any ground. In truth they were much bigger, especially to a child of eight years.

Aaron cast down his eyes. Sitting at home in Washington he had always dreamt about being at one of the ships and 'sailing' the oceans. In his dreams all of them had been as big as a city, and now Hannah, who had already been on a carrier, said things were much smaller.

"Hey Aaron," Hannah saw him look down, maybe this hadn't been her wisest move. "sorry I tricked you. They are huge." She spread her arms as far as she could indicating what she meant. "And just wonderful." She sighed when she saw Aaron smiling again.

"Do you mind when I write you some e-mails when we're back?" he asked when he had thought about what she'd just said.

"No, that would be great. Maybe I can come and visit you when you got snow over there. Or you can come and see California and a 'big ship'."

"That sounds great."

They spend the rest of the week with their friends having very much fun. The last evening in camp they had a huge campfire for all people. They were singing songs and telling horror stories. With one particular song Hannah remembered home. And than she remembered what her dad had said: 'You'll have lots of fun and no time to think about us.' And it had been true. Even Stuppy was sitting somewhere on her bed totally forgotten over the days.

ooooo

The next day all kids were headed home. Those coming from the east coast had to go first as their way was the longest.

Hannah and Aaron stood somewhere in the crowd of kids saying goodbye. In three weeks with nobody around but kids the same age there could be found many friends from other towns or even states.

"You have my address?" Aaron wanted to know for the fourth time at least.

But Hannah didn't mind. "I do. And I even know it by heart now, 'cause of the many times you made me check."

"Alright. I've got yours right here." He patted his hand on the pocket of his jeans shorts.

"Stay bright Jarhead."

"You too Squid." They had come used to the Navy and Marines names by now.

With that they hugged a last time and Aaron headed off for the bus that would take them to the airport.

When he was gone Susan stepped up next to her friend.

"Do you remember the day you said he was a funk?"

"Nooo?" Hannah smiled.

"Now he isn't, right."

"He's cute," Hannah quoted her friend's say from that day and both girls started to giggle while they headed off for their house to start packing.


	4. Unexpected News

_For all those who've been wondering about the mother of Hannah and Kenny: Harm will reveal the name in his own time. So for now you remain in the same position as the kids – they don't know either._

_

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_

**4 – Unexpected News  
**

Finally she was back home. Harm's heart made a loop and his flyboy grin covered his whole face. He had his little daughter back. When they saw her stepping out of the bus behind Brandon there was no way to hold Kenny back. This little guy was so fast. And with a whoosh he was in his sister's arms getting and giving back one great hug. Harm was glad that his children were so close. When they parted Hannah had pulled Stuppy out of her bag and solemnly trusted him back into her brother's arms. Both their faces were shining bright when they stepped over to Harm patiently waiting for them.

He lifted her up and hugged her close. He had missed her. Hannah started to giggle. It had been a long time since her father had taken her up in his arms. She had once told him not to do so, for she was too old for that. But now she saw that she had missed it, missed it a lot.

"Hi daddy."

"Hi daddy, is all I get? No 'I missed you'. No 'Glad I'm back'."

"No," she shook her head. "You told me not to miss you."

He held her some way apart from his face to look into her bright eyes. "I did?"

"Yes," she said making a serious face. Then she leant closer and whispered in his ear. "I missed you and Kenny."

He gave her another kiss, spun her around and at least set her back down to the ground. "So did we."

When they had gathered her bag they headed home. The rest of the day Hannah told everything that had happened at summer camp.

ooooo

Mac was equally happy as Harm had been when her son came back around the same time Hannah was.

It had been three long weeks for her. Every now and then she would spend someday out. Did some cultural things with Harriet and Bud or one time she even went out with Clay. Things had been fun. But she had missed giving her son a goodnight kiss when coming back home even though he would have been sound asleep by then.

She couldn't let go when she finally had him back in her arms.

"Mum. I can't breath," Aaron said slightly blushing red, but not because of the lack of oxygen but because of the faces other boys were making when they saw him with his mother.

Mac recovered and drew her arms back. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He kissed her cheek and flashed her some grin. "I missed you."

That's when Mac's heart seemed to miss a beat. Where did that smile come from? She hadn't seen him smile that way before. It strangely reminded her of his father. A father she tried hard to forget.

When she felt a hand resting on her shoulder she forced herself to stand up. She smiled reassuringly at Harriet and both women followed their boys to gather their bags and head back home.

Everything was packed into the SUV and they took off. Mac had bought this car from Harm back in the days when he was leaving town. He wanted her to take it. For her getting a child and him moving to California it would be best she'd take that car and he get a new one. She had rejected at first but he had kept stubborn. He promised her he wouldn't have taken the car to California anyway and with Frank he'd surely get good conditions at buying another one. So they had finally settled on her buying it from him. So now the corvette was standing in the garage driven only now and then while the SUV was good for child purposes.

The whole way home from Dulles both Jimmy and Aaron were talking loudly about the three weeks. And suddenly when they entered the driveway of Mac's house Jimmy burst out.

"Aaron found himself a girlfriend."

Aaron turned bright red again. He had begged Jimmy during the whole flight not to tell his mum. She would make a fuss of it.

"Oh you did? That's cute." Both Harriet and his mum had turned around to face him. Each of them smiling.

"Is she living around here?"

"No she's from California. And she's not my girlfriend."

"Why not? She's not nice?"

"She's Navy!" and with that he opened his door and hopped out of the car. Hopefully that did end the talking.

Mac and Harriet faced each other. "Ah!" and started laughing. Her son had had his first girlfriend. Mac found that kind of cute, but she would not ask him any further. He was far too young for that.

ooooo

It was shortly before bedtime that Aaron asked his mother.

"Mum, may I send some e-mail?"

"To your Navy girlfriend in California?"

He slowly nodded.

"Go ahead. But not that long. You've got only about 20 minutes left." Mac smiled when her glance followed her son out of the living room and up the stairs.

He didn't have an own computer by now and neither had he his own address. He had to use his mother's. When the laptop was finally booted he opened the messenger. He'd have to tell his mother that she had new messages.

He fished for Hannah's address and tipped it into the box. He wrote her a short message just saying hello and that his mother found it very 'cute' that she was his girlfriend. Then he hit the send button and went to his mother to tell her about the mail.

When Aaron made himself ready for bed Mac went checking on her mails. One was from the new JAG sending an invitation to an office party. And the other was from a former client asking if she would be able to defend her once more.

She sent her Okay to the Admiral but left the counseling request for tomorrow. She had to ask her CO first.

Mac wanted to close down the messenger when a beep announced a new message. She looked at the sender but didn't know the address. She fought with herself whether to open it or delete it due to an imprinted virus. Finally she opened the message.

_To: Marine at hotmail dot com  
From: Han at navybase dot mil  
Sub: Saying hello _

_Hey Jarhead,_

Mac's heart missed a beat. That made two in one day. Could it be that Harm was trying to contact her after such long a time? She had to read on.

_I'm also back. And tell your mum I'm no cutie. Next time I see Jimmy he'd learn my ways. You could – _

With that Mac stopped reading. That one wasn't for her. It was Aaron's 'girlfriend' answering. And when did she ever say this girl might be a 'cutie'.

"Aaron, there's a message for you."

The boy came slid around the corner already in shorts and T-Shirt.

"It's from California."

"How do you know?" He eyed his mother suspicious.

"I started to read, 'cause I thought it to be for me. I'm sorry." She moved from the chair and got through the door. "I'm waiting in your room. And please shut the computer down. Will you?"

Aaron read the message from Hannah and had to smile at what he should tell Jimmy. He'd like to see that happen.

When Aaron came back to his room he found his mother lying on his bed.

"I'm sorry," she repeated not wanting to interfere with his privacy.

"It's okay. And I should tell you something," he started.

"When did I say that she might be a 'cutie'?" Mac was rising from the bed for her son to get in.

"You said that me having a girlfriend, which I don't have, is cute."

"Oh, but that's something different."

"So I mixed it up. But you'll know for next time right?"

"I do. And I won't open any messages from that address anymore. Promise." She kissed him and turned around.

"I love you mum."

"Love you too." She turned the light off and closed the door. She really loved him. After all he was everything she had.

ooooo

Many more e-mails passed between Virginia and California within the next two months. Both kids loved to tell the other what happened in school, what their parents did and so on. At least twice a week Mac had to hand her laptop over to her son. And although she never opened one of his messages anymore she was curious at what he did tell his friend at the other end of the country. So one day when she waited for him to finish reading the newest mail she decided to ask him about it.

"Aaron, you're telling your friend very much lately." She had seen it from the growing size of the messages received and those send.

"I can tell her everything that's happening around her. She's good at listening." He wasn't sure she read all this stuff he wrote but she definitely sent the right answers back.

"I'm curious. Would you tell me something about her?" She still stood in the doorframe watching her son.

He turned around in the chair and looked at his mother. 'Did she really want to know, or will she make fun of me again?'

And as if reading his mind Mac said: "Be sure about me not making fun of it. I knew how good it is to have a best friend you can talk to."

"Yeah, I forgot you've got Harriet."

Mac didn't answer that one. Right she got Harriet and they've grown very good friends over the last years, but it wasn't her that she had in mind when telling him of having a best friend. And back there he was Harmon Rabb, always present somewhere in the back of her head and every now and then he'd find his way to the surface.

"So are you telling me about her?"

Aaron had watched his mother closely. She seemed to be really interested in Hannah so what harm could it do telling her?

"She's living in California on a Navy base."

"I know that much from her address."

Aaron shot his mother a look that clearly showed 'You better let me finish or I stop telling anything.'

Mac shot him an excusing grin and motioned him to go on.

"She's living with her little brother and her dad. She thinks he's really great. She also got some grandparents over there." He hesitated a moment at what more to tell her.

"She's got a name?" Mac helped.

"Hannah."

Mac felt her knees go weak, one of her hands grabbing the frame next to her. Aaron was next to her in a rush. He had never seen his mum go weak before. She was always the though Marines Colonel.

"Mum, mum you're okay?"

Mac's hand was still tightly clutched at the wooden doorframe but her legs had gained some strength back. She nodded her head afraid of hearing her voice to creek when she spoke out loud. She tried to move towards the chair that was standing at the wall next to her. Aaron stayed by her side, steadying her as good as a small nine year old could. When she finally reached the chair Mac fell heavily down onto it. Aaron was now kneeling in front of her his eyes still fixed on his mother and wide with fear.

Her hand moved up his cheek. "I'm okay sweetheart. That was just some …" she didn't know what that had been or better she didn't know how to explain him.

Aaron's face had relaxed a bit, but he was eyeing every tiny movement of her seeing if she spoke the truth. "Maybe you should go to bed mum."

Mac slowly nodded her head. That would be the best thing to do. "You shut the computer down and then you can take me to bed, alright."

Aaron stood up and headed for the computer. When he crossed the room to the computer Mac thought about what she just had heard. 'A Hannah from California, living on a Navy base. That could be a coincidence. Or had he really met her, her of all children in the US?' She probably should find out some more details but she wasn't sure if she could stand any answers right now.

"Mum ready to go?" Aaron was back by her side.

"Yes," she whispered.

ooooo

It was Friday afternoon and Harm just came back from a late meeting he had with some coworkers.

"I'm home." He put down his cover and briefcase and had a look around the corner. There was nobody to be seen. That was odd, normally both Kenny and Hannah came to greet him the moment he turned the key in the hole.

"Hey everybody."

"We're up here," came Amy's voice from upstairs.

When he looked into Kenny's room he found the babysitter tied to a chair and his son fallen asleep on the bed.

"Glad you're here. Could you be so kind as to rescue me from the sleeping Indian over there?"

Harm smiled at Amy when he untied the knots. "Who did that?" They were far too tight as to be made from a six year old.

"Hannah helped, but got distracted afterwards." She rubbed her wrists. "I'm gone as long as he's asleep."

"Thank you, Amy."

"You're welcome. I love them. Most of the time anyway."

Harm walked over to the bed and watched his son sleep. It was so peaceful.

He turned around to see what got his daughter so distracted that she forgot about a tied up babysitter.

"Hey Han, I'm back."

"Hi dad." She turned her head only slightly, her eyes never leaving the screen of her computer.

"Some homework on a Friday night?"

"No."

He snipped his fingers. "Ah, another message from your friend from summer camp. You never told me about him."

"You never asked."

"Okay, I do ask now."

"Dad please, let me finish this first."

"I'm back in 15 minutes." And when he had already turned and stepped out of her room he added. "And if you don't mind, there's some nice girl you forgot about."

He could see Hannah rush out of her room across the floor and into Kenny's room.

"She's already gone," she said coming back out.

"I've freed her."

"Sorry dad." She hugged him for apologize.

"It's okay, I think she's not going to sue you."

ooooo

Aaron had tucked her in bed about an hour ago. But she still couldn't find any sleep she was tossing around the little information she got.

She knew that Harm moved to California shortly before Aaron was born. And she knew for sure that he's got a daughter he named Hannah.

_"Mac, I requested a transfer to California." He had come to her apartment that night. _

_Now they were sitting on her sofa each in one corner, as far apart as possible. They hadn't been on profound ground ever since they came back from Paraguay. Sure they had kept any resentments at the office to a minimum but whenever they met in private, only to discuss a case – no none-work-related things – things had gotten out of hand fast, each and every time. She was sick of it, he acted like some little boy who wouldn't get the toy he wanted. Little did she know that in some way that was the best way to describe it. He had resigned his commission to get after her into South America and all she did was to tell him there would never be a them. What else could he do than show her how much he loved her and show her that she was the most important thing in his life? More important than his career. _

_She just sat there, unable to say anything. She just watched him. So he was running again. Now of all times._

_"Mac, you know it to be the best, we can't work this thing out, could we." He wanted her so badly to tell him they'd finally do, he would have stayed. But she just kept staring at him._

_"I'm not expected there until March first next year. So I stay and help you through, if you want me to." He had moved closer. He was now holding one of her hands, lightly caressing it with his thumb._

_She didn't know how to feel. He was leaving her behind, just another man to do so. But at least he wasn't leaving right now. He'd stay for about six more months._

_"Thanks," she whispered._

_And that moment she saw it, saw it in his amazing eyes. They were pooled with tears. He doesn't want to leave her behind, but he knew it to be the best and deep down inside she knew it herself. This time their friendship seemed beyond repair. And it wasn't his fault all alone._

But Harm hadn't got a son. It was probably another Hannah living in California. California got more than one base spread over the state. But why couldn't he have produced another child? There was a good chance he did. She could picture him with a little boy looking like his father. She had seen these old pictures he had had at home showing him and his father when he was little. His son would be the spotting image of this little boy back then.

ooooo

Harm and Hannah talking about Aaron had to be postponed. Because when Harm got off the shower Kenny was up and awake and wanted his attention.

They had an early dinner and now they were in the living room. Kenny was watching a film of some kind and Harm's glance was fixed on his daughter.

"You promised me some details."

"Okay." She crawled into his lap and leaned against his chest.

"He's from Virginia, somewhere near Washington. And his name is Aaron."

Harm's fists closed automatically when hearing that name. It brought back so many memories.

"He's living with his mom. And she's a Marine and a lawyer."

Harm had heard enough. It had to be him then, Aaron MacKenzie son of Sarah MacKenzie his former best friend. He lifted his daughter out of his lap and stood up.

Hannah watched him curiously. Had she said something wrong? Why does he look so upset now?

"Han watch your brother please. I'm in my room." He looked at the little girl and could see her question in her eyes. "I need some work done, I only just remembered."

ooooo

Two hours later Mac had found at least a bit of sleep, she was still twisting around in her bed and the next morning she wouldn't feel very much recovered.

_He had been there. He was sitting next to her bed when she woke, the day Aaron was born. _

_Tears started to fill her eyes when he whispered some words. She felt she should say something to make him stay. It wasn't too late yet, they could work something out. Maybe he was wrong with their friendship being lost._

_She clearly remembered the day when she had asked him if he would help her through delivery. She nearly had laughed out loud. He sat there in silence, his eyes fixed on the office door she had gently closed behind her. And after some minutes the only thing he did was bowing his head slightly. He would do it._

Ever since Mac had told him about being pregnant they had concentrated on the baby, every fight had been put aside. To an outsider it might have seemed that they were back to normal, but it was far from that. In reality they didn't even talk, except about the baby. As long as the baby had been their topic, they were relaxed with each other, they even enjoyed going shopping together.

_That day when he had finally left her room for home – she made him go, he would never have done it on his own – she brought Aaron back to the nursery. He was looking so tiny and fragile but he seemed so vivid. And he was all hers, she would keep him and love him, for the rest of her life. Once again tears started to roll down her cheeks. He was yet so small, but facing so much. Were they doing the right thing? Would it really be for the best to let this kid grow up without a father? Wasn't she doing the exact same thing her mother did, only to her baby? Isn't that even worse? _

She slowly rolled her son next to a crib that held a little girl. She looked at the name and smiled, she loved that name. She would love to have a daughter with that name. She stood for a moment and watched her son slightly turn his head to face his new neighbor. He started to make some soft baby sounds and the girl cooed back, her tiny hand even reaching out for him. With a soft smile but tears in her eyes Mac headed back out of the nursery.

ooooo

Harm was sitting at her bed, watching her sleep. His daughter was curled into a ball, her forehead resting against the cool wall.

The first weeks after she had been born he had spent every night at her bed. Everything had been so new back then. Everything was so new now. He wondered if his kids would say that he had been a good father, or if they would think else.

Harm's thoughts drifted from his daughter to the son of Sarah. He had seen him, during his first week in life. Sarah had asked him to. Afterwards he had moved to California and they hadn't kept in contact.

_Had she just asked what he had heard her ask? How could she ask this at work anyway? What would she want him to answer? He sure as hell wanted to be there, share this with her. But would this be a wise decision to be made in their momentary situation? She looked so beautiful, standing there in front of his desk, already showing. And she had been his best friend, maybe still was. A million other thoughts crossed Harm's mind within the next seconds. And all he could finally do was nod his head. Hopefully this is what she wanted. _

He hadn't known the name until the moment when the baby had been laid into her arms and she whispered "Hi Aaron," into the tiny ear.

_There he was, sitting next to her bed and looking down at Sarah MacKenzie and her newborn son, well aware that he was going to leave her, them behind in only a few days time. His heart got a stitch when he thought about the little boy, now peacefully resting in his mother's arms, but growing up without a father. He knew what that meant for a boy. When he turned his head slightly his eyes fell on Mac. 'She's so beautiful right now. Maybe he won't have to grow up without a dad.'_ Obviously he had though, remembering that Hannah said Aaron was living with his mother only. _He stood when a nurse entered. "May I take the baby?" she asked. Time to get to the nursery for some rest. His eyes met hers when the nurse closed the door on her way out, both amazed at the wonder they had just shared. His hand reached down automatically, lightly pressing hers. He would go check into the nursery while she was brought to her room.  
_


	5. Anybody But You

**PLEA FOR HELP:  
**This story still isn't beta-ed, but in a desperate need thereof. So if anybody is interested in the job, just drop me a line and I'll send some chapters.

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**5 – Anybody But You  
**

The next morning came fast. Mac felt as if she hadn't slept at all. But when she got up for making breakfast Mac was sure about one thing. She had to ask Aaron about Hannah, see what else there was. She had to know for sure if their kids had really met. Only then could she do or not do something about it.

Aaron came down the stairs when he smelled some pancakes being made.

"Morning mum, feeling any better?"

Mac turned around and smiled at him. She had tried her best to keep the signs from the lack of sleep out of her face. "Yes I am. And thanks again." She positioned a big plate of pancakes in front of him and joined him at the table.

They ate in silence, she not sure how to approach the subject and he totally soaked up in the delicious breakfast and unaware of his mother's conflict. Growing up with a child helped Mac on her cooking purposes, she got better over the years.

"Aaron. May I ask you something?" He had eaten his last bit and there were no pancakes left.

"Sure." He wondered what she might want, she sounded anxious as what he would answer.

"Hannah," she looked around but then spit it out. "Do you know her last name or anything else than you have told me yesterday."

He thought a moment. "Her dad's a JAG as well. I think that's kind of funny, don't you? I've never asked her about a last name though." He looked at her if that was all she wanted to know.

'Working at JAG, that could be him. But it mustn't.' "Aaron could you ask her about her last name?"

"Yeah. But why do you wanna know?"

"Would you just ask her please?" She had never told him about her best friend, so how could she tell him about all the things that crossed her mind right now.

ooooo

"Dad?"

Harm woke the next morning with his body aching everywhere, it felt as if he'd slept on a hard bench in a station or somewhere.

"Dad, you're okay?"

Only slowly did he recognize the voice he heard. Hannah must have come to his room for waking him up. Carefully he opened his eyes, and there she was, right before him. But she wasn't standing next to him, she was still in bed and she was looking anxious. That was all pretty much confusing. How could she still be in bed and be next to his in the same time?

"Sweetheart, what is it?" He tried to sit up, which made his back only hurt more.

And then he realized he must have fallen asleep in the chair last night while watching her sleep. Memories of last night's thoughts drifted back into focus. Hannah had met Aaron MacKenzie in summer camp.

He met her eyes and could see the fear in them. His little girl seemed to think she'd done something wrong with him spending the night and taking last day's talk into account. With all his might he forced himself to stand up for sitting down next to her.

"Everything is okay. I must have fallen asleep last night," he hugged her.

"Why did you stay? Is it something I've said yesterday? Is it because you left after I told you about Aaron?"

"No you did nothing wrong. I just like to watch you, when you're asleep you look like an angel."

She giggled a little, still covered in his embrace. "I am!"

"When?" he held his head slightly to the left and raised an eyebrow.

"Every time you're not here."

"I see."

"So is it something about Aaron, don't you like me to write him anymore?" she returned to the left-behind topic.

What should he say? Maybe it was the best for the kids to not have any more contact. But how could he explain the reason why? And she had done nothing wrong and neither had Aaron, so why should he tell her not to have a best friend, even if it was the son of someone he knew, even loved years ago.

"No, you can write him if you want to. And about yesterday, it was work-related you only brought back the memory." He didn't like to lie to his kids. But in a way he hadn't, Sarah MacKenzie had been work-related once. That had been one of the problems back then.

"So how about I make us some wonderful Saturday morning breakfast while you go wake up your brother?"

"Making pancakes?" her eyes were shining with joy, all the fear of having made her father sad or even mad had vanished.

He smiled at her, but only shrugged his shoulders.

After Hannah had run out the door to most certainly jump on her brother's bed he stretched for lessening the pain in his back. 'I have to buy more comfortable chairs.' He moved over to the window for letting the sun in. 'Oh god, it's still dark outside.' In fact it wasn't night anymore, the sun had already risen, but for a Saturday it was far, far too early. 'Hopefully Han wasn't successful yet. It'll be best if Kenny sleeps for some more hours.' He hurried across the corridor into his son's room.

"Hi daddy," Kenny was already up. He was sitting in bed rubbing his eyes.

"Hi sport." 'That's gonna be a long day.' He went to the bed and pulled his son into a standing position. "Already hungry?"

"Yeah."

Harm picked him up, threw him over his shoulder and all three of them headed down to the kitchen.

ooooo

Aaron had just told her, that he'd sent the question to Hannah. So now the only thing was wait if her thoughts were confirmed or not. Maybe this was another Hannah after all. Not the daughter of her best friend.

Mac checked her internal watch. They probably weren't even up yet. So it would at least take until midday before the e-mail would be read in California. So now there were some hours to be spent and to keep her from thinking.

"Aaron, what do you like to do? Any plans so far?"

"I told Jimmy to be there so we could test his new computer game."

"Oh, okay. But what if you test the game tomorrow and spent the day with your mother instead. We would do whatever you like." She knew she would get him with that. A little boy always got things to do. And how could you let such a chance slip for some computer game?

He thought a moment about the proposition and than nodded his head. That's gonna be a great day.

"I call Jimmy and tell him." He headed off to the phone.

"Wait, it would be better to wait some time, they might be sleeping. At least AJ would be. We can call him from wherever you like to go."

Aaron came back into the living room sitting down across from his mother. Mac could almost see the wheels turning in the little head.

ooooo

The sun in California was up in full bright and the day promised to be one of the best a September could offer. Harm and the children had driven to the public airfield he kept his biplane at. Kenny had asked for a round and Hannah had joined in immediately. They were both crazy about planes and jets. How couldn't they when being their father's children? Both of them had been up in the air a few times already.

"Daddy me first." Kenny was running alongside him trying to keep up with his father's big steps.

"No me." Hannah was looking at a sports plane taking off.

Harm stopped, so Hannah whose eyes were still at the leaving plane bumped right into him.

"Sorry, it'll be Kenny this time. He asked to come out here."

"Okay." She wasn't offended, there were a lot of things to do around here while she waited.

"Hey Mister Rabb," a man in a blue overall greeted. Harm had always been Mister Rabb around here, although nearly all of the employers knew that he came from the base.

"Morning Charlie." Harm liked the old man that owned the place but worked just as much as all his employers to keep it as it was. "Could you keep an eye out for Hannah while we're up?" he slightly slapped Kenny on the shoulder.

"Sure. Hi guys."

"Hello Charlie. Should I help you?"

"Mister Rabb, you've raised your children very well."

"I hope so. But she's only doing this to other people. I always have to beg to get her do some things." Both men were now smiling at each other when Hannah stuck her tongue out to her father.

"Daddy. Flying!" Kenny was pulling at Harm's jacket.

"Yeah right." He picked his son up and carried him over to his old biplane.

"Want to try alone?" Kenny had been too small to climb the ladder without help the last times they had gone flying, but each time Harm asked anew and each time the child tried anew.

The little boy nodded his head, eager to reach the cockpit without help.

Harm's hands were never far away from his son's back but for the first time he settled down into the front seat without help.

"Han, I made it," he yelled at his sister who was next to Charlie watching him check another plane.

Hannah gave her brother the thumbs up and saluted him with a big smile.

After Harm had fastened the seatbelts for his son he climbed back down for a last check up.

"We're gone in a second, sport."

ooooo

By early afternoon Aaron and Mac had already finished one item on his list and were now walking through the second, an aquarium. Aaron was fascinated by all those colorful fishes. Right now they were standing in front of the shark basin.

"Mum, do you see the small one over there? He's got a big scar in his tail."

"Maybe he had lost a battle to one of the bigger ones?" Mac suggested.

"Last time we came there wasn't a shark with a scar," Aaron said.

"It's been over a year since then," remembered Mac. Aaron used to come here a lot when he was younger.

She laid her hand on his back and said "Aaron, I'm over there on the bench. You stay and watch the fish." This boy could really tire her out.

Absentmindedly he answered "Hmm."

After about fifteen minutes Aaron was satisfied or bored by the sharks. No matter what, he came over to his mother to drag her down another aisle.

'Next time he wants to go to Jimmy, I let him go,' she swore to herself.

"Look, they've got something new." He was standing in front of a sign announcing the aquariums newest attraction. "It's this way."

Mac could only hurry after him. How could such a small boy still have any power after all the excitement he already had? This child was more tiresome than the whole Marine Corps. Finally she had reached him, but only because he got his nose pressed against the window he was standing at.

"Over here mum. See what they've got."

Mac looked at the labels on the wall. "Octopuses and squids!"

"Which is which?"

Mac had to read further on. "Octopuses are those with eight tentacles, these long arms. And the squids have shorter arms but ten of those. See this one's a squid." Mac pointed at the animal right in front of them.

"Mum, why do we call Navy people squids, they don't have ten arms, do they?"

"Surely not. But what do you think why we do?"

"Isn't it that squids squeeze out some ink when in danger? Maybe it's because of the color."

"This could be a reason. I'd know you figure it out all by yourself." She lightly clapped his shoulder. This son of hers was quite smart. But in truth she had never thought about this topic and was thankful that Aaron came up with an explanation of his own.

But when they were standing there watching the steady flow of the squids Mac's thoughts drifted to another more special squid. All day long she had avoided this thought but now it was there, impossible to be pushed back into some dark corner of her mind.

What would she do if her son's pen pal really was the daughter of her best friend she hadn't seen in a long time?

_They were standing inside Mac's apartment next to the door. Harm had brought them home from hospital. Now they were just standing there, both their feelings too mixed up to say or do anything, they were just standing in total silence, their eyes locked. In two days time he would leave for California. None of them had moved within these last few minutes and Mac couldn't even say for how long that had been exactly, she couldn't concentrate right now. _

_And then, just like the day of her engagement party they leaned in for a kiss. And just like on the porch it started as a soft goodbye. But this time it didn't go any further. If it had, things might have changed back then. But his lips were brushing hers only slightly and lingered for a second. This was farewell, for real and forever._

_So after eight years they had ended their friendship._

_Slowly Harm turned, opened the door and left her life for good._

_When he closed that door, the door to a shared future, Mac receded to her couch, practically falling down into the soft cushions. Silent tears were running down her cheeks. She just lost the best friend she'd ever had. The man she loved. Over some stupid thing she said. Over something he didn't say. And over all those things they did._

_Harm had softly closed the door. A door he left his past behind, he had to move on. But he couldn't, he remained outside her door. His eyes were pooled with tears. He so desperately wanted to turn back, open that door and hold Sarah in his arms. Comfort her, comfort himself, say that they'll make it through somehow, but he couldn't. He couldn't for all he did and for all he didn't say back over all those years they had shared._

_So now on both sides of a thin wooden door the friends were crying over a lost friendship that had meant so very much to each of them and that they would miss so very deeply throughout the following years._

Mac remembered that day perfectly well. She had sat on the sofa for over an hour and cried all her heart out. Until there weren't any tears left and the weeping from her newborn son brought her back to present.

She was still standing at the huge basin, her eyes lazily following the motion of the animals within, her hands resting on her son's shoulders. It had been him who saved her from getting lost in the past. For him she had to be strong. And so she had been, she had made a living. But now everything threatened to break down, just from the prospect of Aaron having met Harm's daughter.

"Aaron, come on. Let's head home and have a nice hot chocolate with marshmallows." She shook her head as if to wake from a dream.

Chocolate always does the trick. As mother as son. So in no time they were back outside ready to go home and end that day appropriately.

ooooo

Harm had landed his plane about 20 minutes ago. Both trips up had been pleasant, Kenny and Hannah were having a lot of fun pointing out things on the ground that looked so tiny from above. His daughter had even talked him into some loops and rolls. She was enjoying the flying, nearly as much as he was. Today even more so because as good as flying had been to distract his mind back in the days, it wasn't working on his special problem. So now he was cleaning the Steerman while his kids were somewhere in the hangar probably going on some employer's nerve. But they were all used to them, liked them very much and didn't mind though.

He was nearly finished, the last bit left was the nose and the propeller. With a soft brushing and hands used to this task by many years the cloth was running over the yellow surface of the plane. His fingertips felt the small uneven parts. Sometime in near future he would have to do a whole and throughout check up and work all the little defects out. Spend a day just with SARAH. This name still meant so much to him. He was still close to his grandmother, though living in California meant he wasn't seeing her very much these days, but they were talking at least once a month. 'SARAH', it also meant Sarah MacKenzie. A small smile spread across his face when he thought about the first trip he and Mac had had in this plane. Although it hadn't been that pleasant at all.

_He hadn't checked the whole motor probably. Maybe he was too distracted by the fact that Mac was going to spend their day off with him. But due to that they had to do some emergency landing on a clearing in the Appalachians. He'd never seen her this nervous before. So far she had only been the kick-ass Marine. After landing things got even worse. They met some poachers and Mac even got shot during the encounter. _

He remembered hurrying through the woods desperate to reach the plane. Him nearly carrying her and her trying to walk as much as possible. The smile grew some inches wider as he could almost hear their talk back then.

_"Think you can stand, Marine?" _

"Unless you plan to carry me."

_"Well, maybe you should have laid off the Beltway burgers." _

_"Yeah, and you worked out more."_

But it vanished quickly when his memory went further on to the short moment he left her behind. Sadness returned into his eyes when his inner eye reflected the look she wore after she killed one of the men when he tried to rape and kill her. He shouldn't have left her. It had been his fault. But most surely this day had been the start of their deep friendship._ She talked about things very personal. Her alcoholism, the death of a friend, her always falling for the wrong guy. He was very impressed by that openly shown trust in him. And they had made it through. _And what made the day pleasant in the end was this envy he recalled to have heard in her voice when she asked about the woman he named his plane after, although she did deny it afterwards.

_"Oh, what happened to Sarah?"_

_"Nothing she lives in Belleville, Pennsylvania."_

_"Do you still love her?"_

_"I'm wild about her... she's my grandmother."_

But he was sure it had been there.

"Dad, can we go home? It's Disney time today."

The last 10 minutes he hadn't moved, nor had the cloth cleaning the plane. "I'm nearly ready sport. You wait 15 more minutes?" he looked at his watch. He couldn't keep his children from the Saturday's Disney time. They loved to watch the old and new animation pictures. "We make it back in time."

"Okay," and Kenny was already off again, vanishing behind a high shelf somewhere in the back of the hall.

Harm returned to finishing the plane thinking of the two children he had raised over the last nine years. In his opinion he had done well so far. Probably he wasn't such a bad father after all.


	6. First Contact

**6 – First Contact  
**

11 am. Sunday morning. Mac was sitting in front of her computer, fingers entwined. She stared at the blinking cursor – a steady reminder of the need to write something.

_This morning Aaron checked his e-mails for an answer for yesterday's question. And there it was. An answer that easily might change a couple of lives. Or an answer to be ignored if she tried to pretend it doesn't matter. But within this simple line Hannah sent, 'My last name's Rabb', laid so many opportunities, opportunities to do things differently, but also opportunities to make them all wrong the more so in the end. _

_Aaron left for Jimmy's shortly afterwards. She watched him cross the street, saw him enter the Roberts' house. Mac remained at the window, her eyes focused outside but not seeing anything for real. There were so many things to think about. Actions to take or not to be taken. Should she contact him? Tell him? Over all these years she had tried to forget him, would it be wise now to let him back into her life? The little hairs on her neck rose, whether it was from the air floating through the slightly ajar window or from the memory of him she wasn't sure. Right then she clearly saw his eyes looking at her. She could still picture the depth within, displaying most of his feelings. Feelings she might have been to afraid to explore any deeper._

_With a rush she stood up and climbed the stairs to her office. It was easy to find him in the online telephone book. She wrote down his number and laid it next to the telephone. One step taken._

So now here she was. Sitting at her desk staring at the still blinking cursor, the number right next to her. Slowly her hands enfolded and she started to type the first words.

_'Hello Harm,'_ she paused unsure what to say. _'I already dialed your number trice. No, actually I started to dial but never made it to the last number though. I think I…'_ she trailed off, then her index finger pressed onto the delete button erasing all previously written. She wouldn't tell him that she hadn't found the strength to hear his voice. His voice would only make the memories she'd recently had much more vivid. So for now there was only this first line. A first greeting after years of silence.

"Best would be to get it over with," she murmured.

So she started anew. In short terms she told Harm about their children meeting and becoming pen pals. No word was said about her confused mind and the memories this situation conjured. Pictures that lay buried deep within her mind. Pictures that included him and their past together. . She read the message over and over again, unsure if she'd found the right words or if she should tell something more. After all it felt totally strange to talk to him again, if only via e-mail. When she was finally ready to send it off she added a short message for Hannah asking her to hand the letter to her dad. And then with her last ounce of her courage Mac hit the send button and off it went to California. So now there was no way back, things would change depending on his answer. Sarah MacKenzie, a strong Marine Corps Colonel, leaned back in her chair mentally exhausted because of a short text. With a stressed sigh she stood, shut the computer down and headed downstairs. She would visit Harriet, see how Aaron and Jimmy were doing and get her mind set on other things.

ooooo

Yesterday's evening had gone by smoothly. Harm and the kids had shared some vegetable lasagna over an old Disney picture. He had felt as if he'd seen _Lion King_ about the hundredth time but who could argue with these big pleading eyes both his children got, one chocolate brown, the other astonishing blue ones. And having been up this early and exposed to fresh air all day long they were tired enough not to argue when he put them in bed two hours before bedtime. That gave him some additional time to write the reports that needed to be done. So he sat in front of the files he had brought home. Some days when the paper work seemed to be piling miles high on his desk he longed to be back at an aircraft carrier, feeling the power of starting jets and smelling the mixture of fuel and salt. But these occasions had become rare in recent years. He wouldn't leave his children for a dream he had once had. They meant far too much to him to be left behind, he knew how that felt. And with that his thoughts drifted from the reports to a farer place, a place somewhere on the east coast.

So by the next morning none of the reports were finished and neither was the letter he had started yesterday night when he finally accepted that he couldn't concentrate on work as long as Sarah MacKenzie was on his mind. He was up early again. To tell the truth, he hadn't been to bed at all, because even though he tried to put the letter aside and get some sleep, his thoughts were occupied with what to say to her and how to say it. So he finally gave in and turned his computer back on in the middle of the night. He had never been much of a talker when it came to personal things and the expression of any feelings. So he was using the praised delete button just as much as Mac had to write her mail. But finally by nine, and before his kids were up, he had it finished and ready to send. This would probably ease his mind. It could also cause more trouble, but honestly, he didn't care. While writing, the feeling of this being right and the excitement of talking to Mac again have gotten stronger and stronger. So no matter what would happen in the end, this letter laid some devils from the past at rest.

Having saved the letter for later sending Harm headed for the shower. He needed some refreshment to put off two nights of very little sleep.

When he came out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist he found two small bodies lying in his bed, totally covered under the sheets. Carefully he tiptoed to his bed not wanting to make a sound. He searched for the smaller of the two and rounded the bed to stand next to his son. And then, with a loud yell he let himself fall down on his knees, his hands reaching for the boy's torso and starting to tickle him. Kenny let out a surprised cry at his father's attack. Both sheets were thrown back and Hannah jumped at Harm wanting to help her brother while he tried to escape his father's big hands. When finally all of them were out of breath Harm stopped and sat down at the edge of the bed, Hannah still hanging on his neck.

"Morning guys."

"Morning daddy," both piped breathlessly.

They were looking so cute right now. Both of them with messed up hair from sleeping and fighting. Hannah was in some oversized Navy-Shirt while Kenny wore his beloved sleeping dress with mini-jets all over and held Stuppy in his arms. He just had to smile at them.

Hannah and Kenny were crawling back under the twisted sheets when Harm went over to his dresser.

"You two still tired?"

"No!" came from both, although Kenny was already closing his eyes and settling into the comfortableness of the big bed.

When Harm was getting dressed into some jeans and a shirt Kenny had drifted back to sleep under the watchful eyes of his big sister. So now Harm was approaching the bed just as carefully as he had minutes before. But now he was only standing there looking at the sleeping child.

'How innocent they look.'

Harm ushered Hannah out of bed and the room. Silently they crossed the corridor heading for the kitchen for a nice breakfast. Easily Hannah's hand slipped into her father's. When he felt the little hand in his he looked down at her and smiled. Each day he saw just how much features his daughter had inherited from her mother. He loved to watch her, although sometimes it did hurt to see her mother in her.

"Han, do you happen to know Aaron's address by heart?" he whispered when they passed his office and he spotted the computer.

"Sure. Why?"

"I'd like to send his mother something."

"Do you want to know if we can visit them?" Hannah wanted to know. She had recently asked Aaron about it. Maybe they could meet someday soon. She missed him.

"Maybe?" He didn't know how Mac was going to take all this, let alone think about them visiting each other. So for now this hadn't been mentioned in his letter.

Harm softly pushed his daughter into the room. Hannah typed in the address and the letter was send. A letter that maybe he should have written years ago.

Hannah left the office happy about the supposed visit, her father following her to the kitchen, curious what the answer to his letter would be. Neither of them knew about Mac's letter that was waiting in Hannah's mailbox.

ooooo

Harriet had invited both Mac and Aaron for dinner, she loved having them around. That's why when Mac put the key into their front door it was already late, late enough for a little boy anyway.

"Aaron you get ready for bed."

"Muum. I want to check if there's something from Hannah first, pleeaase," he begged.

"No, you go brushing your teeth. I have to check my e-mails. I'll tell you if there's anything for you." She ushered him up the stairs, making perfectly clear what she expected him to do.

Her nervousness rose when she entered her office and started the computer. Would there already be a reply? What would that reply be? She waited for the messenger to connect and load down. It took mere seconds and the in-list started to blink.

'Three new messages.'

The first was from Clay, telling her he'd call tomorrow as he hadn't reached her today. Sure, she hadn't had her cell on all day long, but why didn't he leave a message on her machine? Or would it be something he wouldn't like others to hear?

Mac shook her head. That wasn't important right now. He'd tell her tomorrow anyway.

The second item was from an address not known by the program yet, but she could figure it out quite easily. _'flyboy at navybase dot mil'_. There it was. The reply. She feared to open it, so she went on to the third listing.

'So that's from Hannah.'

She opened the message and printed it. After that she opened the one from Harm and printed it too. She took both sheets and went to check on Aaron.

She found her son in bed already waiting for her to turn the lights off.

"Here you go. Hannah sent something." She handed him the shorter of the messages, while she didn't even glance at the other. She didn't know what to do right now.

Aaron smiled brightly while reading it through. Hannah told him about the message her father had send and what it meant in her opinion. And the one she'd got from his mother had only added to that.

"So you sent Hannah's father a mail?" he asked when he laid the sheet on the floor next to his bed. "Are we going to visit them?"

Mac had kneeled down to pick up the paper to lay it on his desk when the last statement caught her by surprise. She hadn't even considered that pen pals might want to visit each other someday. "Not yet," was the only answer she could find right now that wouldn't offend her son. Masking her feelings she kissed him goodnight and left the room, leaving the boy thinking about the reasons why his mother communicated with his friend's father. Thinking about possibilities kept Aaron from sleeping for quite some time.

Meanwhile Mac had gone downstairs for a cup of tea. Coffee would only keep her from sleeping that night. But she needed something she could focus her mind on. She took the hot tea, some cookies and the message with her into the living room. With legs crossed under her body, fingers encircled round the hot cup she settled down into her favorite armchair. The cookies and the paper lying on the small table in front of her, her eyes never leaving the writing. But she still couldn't find the strength to start reading. Long minutes passed before she even moved. Every now and then she had sipped a bit of the tea but most of it had gotten cold by now, and none of the cookies had been touched. Her toes started pricking having gone numb, so she set her legs on the floor, stretching the feet to get back the feeling. While doing that, her eyes wandered through the room. When they crossed the machine, Clay came back to her mind. Why hadn't he spoken on the machine? Mac stood and walked over to the machine next to the door. No lights were blinking. No message left. She stared at the two lights, one green one red. And only then did she realize.

'Yeah. That's why he did write an e-mail. There must be no time left on the tape.'

Mac deleted all previous messages and the red light went off. Now her machine was back at work.

Clay, Clayton Webb. Over the years he had grown a good friend. And whenever he was in town they would meet and spend some good time. And sometimes when she watched him interact with Aaron she found herself thinking if he loved Aaron more than he had loved her, maybe still does. And Aaron admired the mysterious CIA agent for all the adventures he figured him to have, although Clay wasn't talking about work. He never did, to anyone and ever since Aaron was born he had never asked Mac to take part in one of his missions either. When inquired about it, he answered, "I don't want him to lose his mother as well." Clayton Webb cast down his eyes after that, but within the motion Mac caught a glimpse of the sadness mirrored in his eyes. It had been this day at her office that their relationship changed from anger, pain and sorrow into a slowly building friendship.

Mac now thought about the months after Paraguay. At first, things seemed to be relatively normal. Not normal in every other person's life, but normal for her. She had decided for Clay, telling Harm to back off after he'd come to rescue her. That surely was the problem, he didn't found her capable of taking care of herself. Clay did. He trusted her, depended on her. But Harm only came down there to be the knight in shining armor. He even resigned his commission for her. And that had been one thing she was most mad about. How could he give up a thing that meant everything to him only for some stupid rescue? The Gunny, Clay and her would have made it, one way or another, she was sure about that. After their return she had told Harm to go away, and he did so without much of a fight. So there she had been with only Clay to turn to. And he was only slowly recovering from the madness he experienced in South America. Things weren't easy either when he was back to full power. There always were tensions between them. But she was willing to work through, for Clay had told her he loved her. Harm hadn't. But things got worse during the next months. Clay wasn't talking much, neither about his work, which she could easily accept, nor about any other things. He just existed next to her without ever reaching out for her to be a part of him in some emotional way and ignoring each of her attempts to do so. He just kept himself to himself. Maybe something had broken inside of him down there in Paraguay, or maybe that was just what he was, some secret agent man through and through. So after a couple of months, when Mac had tried to make it work, desperate not to add Clay to the list of wrong men she'd chosen in the past and Clay being out of the country more and more, they split up. And not on best terms. What had made it even worse for Mac was that she couldn't turn to her best friend, for she had pushed him away. And seeing Harm back at work, eager to be out of her reach whenever possible, had only added to her feeling miserable. He hadn't been very fond of her choosing Clay, naturally so. And he had made that very clear. She had been at fault when he had risked everything and acted against an obvious order to come after her and she rejected him. But although she knew she had made mistakes, he wasn't perfect himself. There had been mistakes made by him as well.

And then there had been her pregnancy. Though it changed nothing between either her and Harm or her and Clay, it changed something. Something in herself, something in her reasoning of previous actions. Harm and she had literally signed a truce, him still being the gentlemen, not wanting to offend a pregnant woman. So he had been there, still her best friend even though it was covered deep inside, when she gave birth.

_She slowly rolled her son next to a crib that held a little girl. She looked at the name and smiled, she loved that name. She would love to have a daughter with that name. She stood for a moment and watched her son slightly turn his head to face his new neighbor. He started to make some soft baby sounds and the girl cooed back, her tiny hand even reaching out for him. With a soft smile but tears in her eyes Mac headed back out of the nursery. _

To set her mind on other things Mac strolled the hospital for some time. She watched a couple coming into hospital for birth. Only five days ago it had been her and Harm rushing through that door. She found a place in the waiting area of the emergency room and watched doctors and nurses rushing by. She had ice cream in the cafeteria and now she was on her way back up to her floor when she spotted the gift shop near the stairs.

Her hand rested in her pocket the whole way up in the elevator, holding the small camera she just bought. The moment the doors opened Mac headed straight for the nursery. She was going to keep some memories of that day.

Aaron and the girl were still lying side to side, both being asleep. The camera clicked a few times before Mac was distracted by a voice next to her.

"I only heard today."

"You've been out of the country?" she wasn't turning to face Clayton Webb but pocketed the camera.

He let his glance wander over the twelve babies that were lying behind the window. "Which one is it?"

"The little boy over there is mine." She pronounced the mine.

"So, was he here with you?"

Mac finally faced him, how dare him. "Thanks for the good wishes, Clay. And yes Harm was here. Not that it is your business anymore," she practically hissed at him.

He backed one step away. "I'm sorry Sarah." He tried to reach for her arm.

"It's no longer Sarah for you, I told you so. It's Mac, or better Colonel." And with that she turned and stormed around the corner. This man got some nerves.

Clay remained at the window, watching the little boy Mac had pointed out. He couldn't see his eyes for they were closed, but he did spot some brown hair covering the little head. And he hoped that this boy would not take so much after his mother, at least not her temperament.

Mac returned back to present. She was glad that things between her and Clay had gotten better. Whereas things between her and Harm hadn't turned either way, they were just pushed aside. She went back to the armchair and settled back down, this time reaching for the letter. She would read it. Now.

_'Dear Sarah, _

_It took me about 20 minutes – you would have told me exactly how long – to figure out how to start this. In the end I opted for said opening for you are still very dear to my heart.'_

Mac shivered slightly. She still held a place in his heart. And he did hold one in hers, but she hadn't found the courage to say so. She had kept her e-mail so neutral, so short while he showed his feelings within the first line. And it hadn't only been for the routine of starting a letter with 'dear', it had been to say something. Had he changed so much? Being much more open now, or was it due to the distance that lay between them? She didn't know. Her eyes searched for the line where she left and started anew.

_'This letter probably comes as a shock to you as we have not spoken in nearly ten years' time. When we parted we decided on living our separate lives, for not being close appeared to be the best solution back then. Looking back this seemed to be true. But things have changed. Due to our children this might not be possible any longer. As much as I have understood from Hannah, she and Aaron are sharing a lot of their lives already. _

_Ever since the day – actually last Friday – Hannah told me about her pen pal Aaron Mackenzie, I wonder how he looks like. Has he kept his blue eyes or have they changed into your brown ones? Is he a child with your looks and your brains? I surely hope so.'_

She thought about it. Some things he had inherited from his father for sure. And she doesn't mind right now.

_'Recently memories from the past are resurfacing in my head. Memories of the day Aaron was born for example. I'm still so very thankful you let me take part in this. Seeing such a little miracle happen is a thing I would not have liked to miss.' _

"And I wouldn't have let you."

_'I wondered whether I should tell you about Hannah or whether you would like it better not to hear.'_

Mac nodded her head, she wanted to learn everything about Hannah, everything there was.

_'She has grown into a beautiful little girl. And I fear to write it but I think she got me wrapped round her little finger. Must come from her mother's side though.' _

She felt a sting in her heart.

'_However, I think she has inherited my stubbornness. Never try to talk a girl her age into something to wear. I learned it the hard way round. Most probably she won't wear anything after that. Please tell me this is a girl thing only, because I can't stand it one more time with Kenny.' _

She cracked a smile, he would have to go through it once more. She vividly remembered the days Aaron had his fits about clothes.

'_Beside that, she's the child I always wished for and I'm forever thankful that I have her and Kenny by my side. Children are the one thing that make the world seem brighter.' _

Another nod, Aaron had definitely given her the best reason to live.

_'Actually this felt strange at the beginning. Knowing I'll write a letter to you, not sure if you'll even read it. But talking to you became somewhat easier throughout the night – yes it took me the whole night to write this. But I still miss the playful manner we once had. Sure I've got my kids to tease, but it's different. Though Hannah's getting pretty good at shooting back. Just as if she'd learned from you. _

_Should we do something about Hannah and Aaron, given our past and that we needed to lead our separate lives? It might become hard to do so now. There will be a bond, how ever tiny. But it will be there through our children. However, back there in the furthest places of my mind I want to see you again. I want this little connection, this little insight into your life. _

_Take care,  
Harm' _

Slowly Mac's hand fell down into her lap, the sheet of paper tightly enclosed in her hand. So this hadn't been a reply. He wrote this letter on his own, it wasn't a reaction on things she'd said or better hadn't said in her short message.

What should she do now? It wasn't that late, not in California with three hours back. She could still call him. Talk to him about the short letter she'd send. He must have gotten it by now, she remembered Aaron saying so. Explain things. Tell him that he wasn't the only one missing his best friend. Time had done its job on her part. Even though it had not healed all wounds, it had eased the pain. Made her long for the better times they had had, at the beginning of their friendship, before the distractions. Distractions as Mic and Renee and her or him leaving for some fainted dream. And most of all Paraguay. This had been the deathly sting to a friendship already lying weak.

But Mac couldn't make herself move. She just sat there. Sat in the relative safety of her living room and read his letter over and over again. Especially the part about Hannah. She liked him talking about her. And before her inner eye there formed a picture of Harm playing with a young child, maybe Aaron's age. A child she doesn't know. Both of them were laughing. She would have liked to be with them right now. Tears started to run down her cheeks. Things could have been so very different.

She wiped away the tears. But things aren't any different, they are just the way they are, the way all of them made them to be. She rose, reached for the still untouched cookies and brought them back to the kitchen cupboard. The past could not be changed. They need to move on from where they were now. She turned the key in the front door, locked it for the night. Maybe their children offered them a second chance. She climbed the stairs, looked into her son's room and headed for her bedroom. She was going to take it.


	7. Second Chance

_I'm so sorry. Totally forgot to post the next chapter last Tuesday as I promised. Was distracted the whole week. Real life sucks (at times at least)!  
But to make it up to you, you get two chapters today.

* * *

_

**7 – Second Chance  
**

"Hello?"

Mac shook slightly. She hadn't expected one of the kids to answer the phone. She had debated all day with herself whether or not to call him. When she had come home she had looked after Aaron, finding him reading a book, totally absorbed by the story, and had retreated into her home office. She had waited two hours, hours where she dreaded the minutes to tick by, but on the other hand wished them to move faster. His number had still been lying next to the phone. No name, just a number. But a number she couldn't forget all weekend and today. She had checked the time once again. He probably hadn't been home it had been still too early in California. But not so in Virginia. Here it had been time for dinner, her stomach told her so. Mac had risen. Better to do something useful, than just sit and wait. She and Aaron had had a short dinner with sandwiches before he returned to his book. Mac had stayed in the kitchen, washed the dishes, watched the birds in the backyard, lost in thoughts. The ringing of the phone had wakened her from her reverie. Slowly she had turned, unsure about answering the phone herself or let the machine do it. When she had finally reached the living room and the telephone the machine had already kicked in. She had waited for her speech to end and the caller to say something.

"Mac, you're out a lot lately." It had been Clay calling, he had written her he'd do so.

So she had picked up the phone. Talking to Clay seemed to ease her mind. She hadn't been this tense anymore when they'd ended the call. Clay had come back from Europe two days previous and wanted her to join him for dinner and dance next weekend. Some embassy ball. Lately she had found herself to enjoy these events very much. With a young child there aren't many times to get some glamour. And such a ball was a guaranty for glamour.

And when they finished she had found it time to make the call she had feared but longed for. But now one of his children was on the line, maybe he wasn't home yet. Mac swallowed hard before talking.

"Hello, this is Mac," she didn't know if Harm had told his children about her. "Is your dad home?"

"Yes," came the reply before the line in California went silent. She was put on hold.

Harm had just opened the door when he heard the phone ringing. But before he could reach it Hannah already answered. So he went back into the hall to put his cover and briefcase aside. Shortly afterwards Hannah came sliding out of the living room. She always loved to do this, ever since they got this parquet laid out.

"There's some Mac for you dad."

When he had seen his daughter coming he figured the phone to be for him and had started walking towards her. But now he stopped dead in his tracks. Time seemed to move slower suddenly. On impulse he spread out his arms for catching Hannah who was at full speed. When he held her in his arms, he knelt down so he could speak softly, not sure if he could keep his voice to a normal level right now. Kneeling down in front of her meant he could look right into her beautiful eyes of her mother's. Eyes clued to hers he whispered.

"You said 'Mac'?"

Hannah just nodded her head. Then she turned and ran back into the living room.

As his hands lost contact with her Harm stood back up, still not moving.

So she was calling.

All of Sunday he had thought about her. Hannah had handed him her e-mail after breakfast. First he had thought it might be an answer to his, but he had quickly seen that not to be. Her e-mail was so short. Nothing personal. Was that how she felt? Had she completely abandoned him from her thoughts? Their past? Or were the wounds he had ripped back in time still wide open? But why was she calling right now? From her point of view all things were being said. She told him that their children knew each other. But that had been all. No word on the future, and none of the past. Just now. Somewhere under the surface he felt a pain he had last felt after they'd come back from Paraguay. Having your heart poured out while the other just pushed you away without so much of a thought. And this time he had even said the thing. Not in so many words, true. But it weren't just actions. It had been words, words had always been the ones to get her going. Just say the right thing and things did work. But taking any action meaning the same doesn't do the trick. He had seen it with Brumby and Webb. She had always turned to the one who said things aloud. But now he had said he missed her. After all it had been way too late.

Harm sighed and started walking into the room. Hannah, Kenny and Amy were sitting on the sofa watching TV. Kenny and Amy turned when he entered the room.

"Hi daddy," Kenny waved his hand at his father before he looked back at the TV.

Amy's eyes stayed fixed at her employer. He looked somewhat exhausted. Normally he did smile when greeting his children and her in the evening. Today he did too, but the smile wasn't quite reaching his eyes.

He smiled another weak smile. "I take it upstairs. Can you watch them a bit longer?"

"Sure, I want to finish this first anyway." She motioned for the film.

Harm nodded and took the phone for taking the call somewhere else.

"Mac?"

"Yes." Her voice was just above a whisper. Long minutes had passed while she waited for the line to be reactivated. She had feared that Harm was not going to speak to her. Once she nearly had ended the call herself. But here he was. His voice was all she needed to keep her on line. Maybe just the knowledge of his presence for that matter.

He kept silent. He waited. Waited for her to make the first move.

On the other end Mac sat silent herself. She knew it would be on her to start, but she just didn't know how. She could hear him breathing. She should start or he would end this.

"I'm sorry." Still whispered.

Harm couldn't get any words out of his mouth. Writing a letter had been easier. A lot easier. Right now it felt as if there was only blankness left in his brain. Not even a simple word could be formed. Not that it mattered because his mouth felt so dry he couldn't have articulated it even if he wanted to.

"I'm sorry for the e-mail I wrote to you."

"You're sorry that you wrote anything at all?" Anger and pain about her e-mail had taken the upper hand. He couldn't keep himself from speaking it out loud. But the moment he did he knew it wasn't for the best. First thing they did when speaking after ten years was to quarrel. And it was him who started it. Him to be the one who ruined all that could have been.

But Mac reacted different than he thought. She didn't shot something back. Just stated calmly, "No, but for being so…" she stopped searching for the right word. "so distant. But when finding out about Aaron and Hannah things took their own road. My mind was racing with thoughts from the past and thoughts about could-have-beens and could-bes. And I just wasn't sure we were still at a place to tell you. So I thought it best to be short and neutral about it."

"And what made you change your mind? I figure you did before calling." His voice was softer now. He was glad that Mac didn't take offence in his last statement or didn't show it at least.

"Your letter did," she said.

Harm smiled, a smile more resembling his than the one he shot Amy. So he hadn't been totally wrong trusting his feelings.

"You liked it?"

"Yeah."

Harm could picture the smile he heard in her voice. A smile so beautiful one could never forget.

Mac wondered if she should tell him that she missed her best friend or if she should write an e-mail. But when she thought back to the resentful statement he made where she heard all his pain resulting from her first one she thought it just fair to tell him right now.

"Harm?" she waited a moment but then continued with strength she wasn't having. "I've missed you."

Both of them kept silent after that. Each only hearing the other's breathing. But it was a more comfortable silence this time. And although both were glad about being missed and not forgotten it didn't make the past vanish. And all things said weren't forgotten either. It was just a step in the right direction. A small step where many more would have to follow.

It was Harm who spoke first.

"So what are we doing with Hannah and Aaron?"

"We should probably let them continue. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"None, if it isn't a problem for you." Hopefully the problem he feared won't come at all.

She said "No," while she nodded her head lightly. She would face it when time comes. But meanwhile this was their only contact, and she didn't want to break this off. She needed to have a connection to Harm, if only through their children.

Not being back to an easy ground neither Harm nor Mac knew something more to say.

"Thanks for calling Mac."

"Goodbye Harm."

Both goodbyes were said with a warmth neither of them had heard during the last years. Yes, they had missed each other! Because of and due to their past.

ooooo

When Harm had finished his call his mood had risen. He laid the phone on his bedside table and went in search of his kids. They would rise it the last bit. They always did.

At the other coast of the continent Mac did the same. But Aaron was already asleep when she entered his room. The book he read lying open on his chest. Smiling she tiptoed forward to remove it. 'A boy's quest', a book about a little boy sailing all oceans in search of something he doesn't know. Aaron had always loved adventures and ships, and when she'd seen the book the day before yesterday, she had to buy it. And she hadn't been wrong, he was already nearing the end of a 300-pager. So now after spreading the blanket over the sleeping boy Mac situated herself next to him and watched him sleep. He looked so much like his father. It eased her mind. Let her thoughts wander free.

_She was watching Clay and Aaron play a game in her living room. They normally did when he was around. Clay seemed to be totally at ease when being with Aaron. He was quite different than normal, seemed to be more open. Probably more open than he had been during their whole relationship. _

_"Mac," He had never again tried to call her Sarah. "Mac, why are you staring at us?"_

_Mac found two sets of eyes focused on her, curious about the answer._

_"I just like watching the two of you," she said honestly._

_Now it was Clay's turn to stare at her, until Aaron trusted the dices into his hand, an unmistakable sign to proceed in the game. Mac kept watching the man, a friend, and the boy, they both seemed to enjoy this. All three of them were enjoying these moments._

_They'd just come rushing through that door into the emergency room. Luckily Harm had been with her when her water had broken. Right now he was asking his way through to the pediatric unit when Mac's legs suddenly went weak. She felt his strong arms around her, keeping her straight. The next moment they were gone and she was seated into a wheel chair. But she felt his hand on her shoulder squeezing it reassuringly, or nervously. Probably both. They made it up to the fifth floor with his hand never leaving its place._

_The moment before they were entering the room she would hopefully give birth in, if everything went well, he shot her a questioning look and softly asked._

_"You still want me to come?"_

_She only nodded. Yes she wanted to._

_So he stayed. Never left her side throughout the following process. And she needed him to be there. Needed his strength to keep hers up._

_Then her firstborn was laid into her arms. A boy. Aaron. And only then did he back away. Giving her privacy with the baby. The infant was resting peacefully on her chest._

_Mac's eyes met his when they left the baby after minutes of just watching this little miracle breath._

_"You want to hold him?" she whispered._

_Softly he took the boy from his mother's chest into his arms. The baby struggled a moment due to the movement and the new place but then settled into the safety of Harm's arms. Arms that had held her through the birth. Arms that had held her in painful and joyous moments in the past. Arms that would not hold her anymore in the future._

_Harm carefully moved towards the window, eyes always on the sleeping child. Mac saw the snow that had started falling about an hour ago. Her eyes focused on the outlines of Harm and the baby, illuminated by the bright winter sunlight reflected by the snow. This very moment everything seemed to be so peaceful and things just felt right. She was happy, unconditionally happy. And she felt that it had been the right decision to let him take part in this, although it would make the things to come harder. But he was the only one she wanted around right now. She wanted to share this moment with her best friend. She still looked at the dark figure of her friend and the little boy. And she knew for sure that she would always treasure this moment in her heart._

Both men had their special moments with Aaron. Moments she would always remember, for she loved having been part of them.

A child could change so much, but it couldn't change everything.

With a soft sigh and thoughts still circling around Clayton Webb and Harmon Rabb Mac rose from her son's bed to go to sleep as well.

ooooo

Several weeks went by and neither of them could stop thinking about their past, present and future, but also none had the courage to take the next step. A step they both longed for, but a step they feared as well. Hannah and Aaron practically forced them into action. Both children had held hopes that they would meet again some day soon. But with no further e-mails or calls exchanged by their parents the chances seemed to minimize each day. So Hannah and Aaron made a pact on doing some pushing, based on the fact that both knew how pretty well begging worked with their parents. So Harm and Mac had a busy week to listen to their children begging or avoid it whenever possible. A week passed without one of them giving in. But also a week where neither of the kids lost any of the passion they had put into the pact from day one.

And finally it was Mac who gave in first. This week had been the longest time she'd stand one of her baby's pleas so far. Nervous she searched for the number she had scribbled down weeks ago. Finding it didn't necessarily mean calling it though. For a day and a half the number was lying next to the phone preferably ignored by Mac whenever she came by.

Harm on the other hand had fought his point bravely so far. Though he found it very hard to resist those big brown eyes begging him ten times an evening and than again the following morning. But there were more things to take into count than the whishes of his daughter, though so far he had always tried to fulfill the reasonable ones. And this was a reasonable one, he knew. There was no reason why Hannah shouldn't meet her friend, other than the one that he didn't know whether or not he liked to see Mac again. The night after he had finished his e-mail he had thought he would. But with her reply things changed and her call hadn't erased all doubts. So right now he decided on not going to meet her, even if this meant Hannah couldn't meet Aaron either. One day maybe things would change. Or if they didn't, maybe she would understand when he explained.

Mac passed the telephone for the third time this day. But this time she hesitated. Maybe she should just call. Call and ask him. What would be the worst he could say? No. But wasn't that what she hoped he'd say? She wasn't sure about it. She would love to have one to talk to right now. Telling Harriet, asking her for advice, would be wonderful. But telling Harriet about her current situation would mean to explain a lot of things from her past. Things she hadn't told anybody yet. Mac gave a sigh, she would have to make the decision on her own. And by the way, she knew what Harriet would have said. And probably Harriet was right. She should call him. She was a Marine after all, she could face his answers. And calling him would at least bring some sense into the night awake where she had thought about the _how _and _when_.

With trembling fingers she dialed the number, moved the receiver up to her ear and listened to the line connect. She forced herself to steady breaths. Breaths that might calm her down. Calm enough to speak. She heard a soft clicking followed by the beeping that signaled the ringing phone at the other end of the line.

One.

Two.

Three beeps.

"Rabb." It was him, none of his children this time. Another deep breath. She could still end this call. He wouldn't know she called.

"Harm?" Her voice was steadier than she thought it to be. And although she knew pretty well that it was him, his name was all her gray cells managed right now.

"Mac!" No question, but surprise.

Both stayed calm for several moments. He once again waiting for her reason to call and her struggling on how to get things said she wanted to be said, but feared to say. Best would be to start easy.

"How are you and the kids?"

"We're fine." He wouldn't tell her about Hannah's wish and begging. She most certainly knew anyway. "And yourself and Aaron?" Was Mac calling because her son asked her to?

"Yes fine."

This done weather was next on the list. But she felt strange asking him about it. So probably she should get to the point.

"Listen Harm, the reason I'm calling is…" she hesitated. How should she put it that Aaron longed to meet Hannah but she doesn't or at least wasn't sure about it. "Aaron and Hannah want to meet."

He heard the uneasiness of her voice. Still, after all those years he could figure out from the tone of her voice how she felt about the things said. She wasn't happy with this. Just like him. But she called nonetheless. Overcame her personal doubts for her child's wishes. Was he a bad father because he didn't?

"I know."

How could he just say he knows? Was it her decision whether their children and with that they should meet? Wasn't he interested in a meeting at all?

"You're not saying anything more than 'I know'?"

"That's how it is. I know that they want to meet. Hannah begged me for a week. But I'm not sure if that's what I want. And I'm also not sure about how to get this combined. So 'I know' is all I can say right now."

So she wasn't the only one being insecure. And though it might be better under the given circumstances not to push the topic any further, Mac asked nonetheless. She had mentally prepared herself to do so, so now she would.

"I've been thinking about it. Last time I called we agreed that there is no reason for _the kids_ not to meet." She pronounced the words 'the kids', because obviously there was for him and her.

He only listened, curious at what would come next. Why did she call when she was thinking the same way he did?

"I've been thinking about the how and when."

She had almost whispered the words. But when they reached his ears they resounded in his head a million times, gaining volume each time. 'I've been thinking about the how and when.' Focusing on these words, which came as a shock to him, kept him from saying something, not that he could have anyway.

"You see, Thanksgiving is coming up. That'll give us four days time."

He caught her last words. "I've already got plans for Thanksgiving."

He would spend the day with his mom and Frank and the kids.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Probably that had been the reason to suggest Thanksgiving in the first place. The prospect of him having other plans already.

"But that could be changed. I'm sure Hannah doesn't mind, Harm had figured out that it might be his turn to take the next step. It had been her to call, to call twice, and to offer a meeting.

Mac gave a short gasp. She hadn't expected him to say this, she had been almost glad that this hadn't worked out.

"So what else did you think about?"

"Where to meet. I know pretty well that Aaron would love to be in California -"

"So you want to visit?" Harm didn't know what to think right now. That was way too much to be true. Only minutes ago he wasn't even sure about seeing Mac at all, and now she wanted to visit.

"No!" That came out way to harsh. And both had to breathe in deeply for the coldness of such a short word.

"I'm sorry. What I meant is that I'd feel weird at your home. And I'm sure you would feel the same here." She hoped that she was right about his feelings.

"Certainly."

"So I thought about a neutral place." 'It had worked in the past.' And she wished it did now.

"Had worked in the past. So where do you have in mind?"

"Chicago?" she had chosen the place at random.

"So we make it Chicago at Thanksgiving." His voice sounded more secure than he felt. Meeting her in such a short time felt kind of strange. "I better tell Hannah fast, so she would stop begging."

"So will Aaron. He's pretty good at that. Wonder where it came from?"

Harm let the question unanswered. He knew pretty well where those abilities came from.

"I would bring Kenny if that's okay with you." He didn't know if Mac could stand another child.

"Sure." She was as curious about his son as she was about Hannah. Back in the days she had always pictured him with a son. A son he could teach to fly. A son he could teach his amazing flyboy grin. A son that would adore him like he adored his father.

"So then it's settled. We'll meet in four weeks time in Chicago."

"Yes we do, Mac answered while she focused on the sound of the door she'd just heard open.

"Harm, I've gotta go. Harriet just came over."

"Send my gree-." For a short time he had forgotten about how wired it would look if Mac would give Harriet his greetings. He would write an e-mail. He hadn't in a long time.

"Good night Mac."

"'Night Harm." With that she disconnected and went downstairs to meet her friend. A friend she needed to talk to, but couldn't.


	8. Minutes Ticking By

**8 – Minutes Ticking By  
**

Mac was glad that flying to Chicago wasn't taking so long. She wouldn't have known how to stand more than the 90 minutes regular, just sitting in a plane with nothing to do that constantly took her nearer to an event she both feared, but looked forward to all the same. When she took the middle seat all there was for now was to concentrate on her internal clock which told her the remaining minutes, exact to the second. That was one of the few times she hated to have this ability.

And the flight wasn't getting any more pleasant with the man filling the seat, in any meaning the phrase did offer, next to her. How could someone produced such an amount of sweat in an air-conditioned cabin on a cool day like this? Somewhere half way through the flight things started to get even worse.

"Will this boy ever stop talking?" The man whispered to himself, but loud enough for Mac to hear.

"You just said anything?" she wanted to know turning to face her neighbor.

"Just wanted to know if that boy of yours ever stops telling his stupid stories."

Mac's annoyance rose to a rage only a mother would know.

"Probably when he's finished," she snapped. "He has every right to tell _me_ his stories. I love to hear them." True, normally she did, though today she had disconnected from her son's talking early during the flight, only giving her comment periodically. "You won't have to listen."

"As if I could." The man's voice had also grown louder. Loud enough for several rows around to hear and to listen.

"So I guess you just have to cope, don't you? Last thing I've heard we're a free country."

"Make him stop, or I'll do." He moved his hand in front of his chest to illustrate his intentions.

"Don't you dare touching my child."

"What will you do about it?" An arrogant smile had formed on his lips. He couldn't picture that woman to be any threat.

"Kill you with my bare hands before you could even raise your hand." Mac doubted that she could get her hands around his sweaty neck, but the threat was enough. That much she could see. She was staring right into his eyes. Eyes that had looked so small and tiny in his round face, but that had grown wide with shock now.

But he recovered faster than she thought.

"So you think."

"I know! 'Cause that's what they teach you in the Corps." They also teach you not to use it on innocents, but that was nothing he needed to worry about right now.

"You're military?" he stumbled. His eyes had once again grown wide and his jaw dropped to the chest.

"Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, US Marine Corps."

The man grew even paler. Satisfied Mac turned back to her son who had followed the incident silently.

With a smile she said, "So go on, tell me about your summer with Hannah." Because that had been all he was talking about since the start of week and the holidays getting nearer.

During the rest of the flight the man didn't speak another word, only kept staring straight ahead at the back of the seat in front. And as soon as the plane had taken its parking position he was one of the first to leave. Mac on the other hand side did now fully concentrate on her son, which kept her from thinking about a certain Navy Captain she would come to meet again in a few hours time.

ooooo

Three hours on a crowded flight from San Diego to Chicago. Three hours where Harm grow nervous by the second. And where Hannah's excitement rose extremely within the last, not that it had been low since the day Harm had first told her about their plans for Thanksgiving holiday. Kenny was the only one unaware of the tension his father and sister were experiencing. Right now he sat crouched in Harm's lap listening to the children's onboard music program and dozing off the last minutes of the flight.

Harm and Hannah were trying to keep up some talking, but neither could concentrate with thoughts focused on the people they would come to meet soon.

"Dad, you think we're on time?" Hannah was eager to land.

"I don't know. You should ask the stewardess," he answered, shifting his position a little for more comfort. He could deal with narrowness in a jet, but he couldn't in a civil flight. An ironic smile crossed his lips when he thought about the commercials and advertisements of the A380 when it was new. True, there had been more space in it, but only first and business classes took advantage of that nowadays. Economy was just laden with more seats over the years. "And Hannah, take a seat." The girl had spent the last minutes alternating between the window and the middle seat only to skirt down the seat to stand and than hop back up. She was getting him more nervous that way.

She knelt down on the seats she and her brother had previously occupied and searched for the call-button on the hidden armrest.

A smiling woman arrived short time later and scanned the three of them.

"What can I do for you?" she addressed Harm.

"Ma'am, are we on time?" Hannah asked, still kneeling on both seats.

The stewardess shifted her gaze. "Yes we are young lady. Are you desperate to land?"

Hannah only nodded.

"Are you meeting your mommy in Chicago?" She had registered that the man was flying with the kids alone. No woman had boarded with them. So it seemed just a logical assumption.

The question had come out of nowhere and Harm winced when hearing it, but only for a moment so short nobody did notice except Kenny who focused his eyes on his father curiously, but was put off with a weak smile.

"I've got no mommy." Hannah was used to that. "I'm meeting a friend."

"I'm sorry. It'll be 25 more minutes."

"Thank you."

And with that the stewardess turned heading for other passengers and other kids, kids that weren't that polite and quiet as these two.

ooooo

She and Aaron had spent the last 30 minutes waiting. Waiting on some uncomfortable bench that was stuffed into the arrival hall of O'Hare Terminal 3.

When Hannah had send the time of their flight Mac had decided on taking a flight within the same time range. They would meet right here at the airport, rather than at the hotel. Back then it had seemed a good idea. However now she preferred putting this encounter as far away as possible. Ten minutes to spare seemed way too fast.

But nonetheless her gaze was fixed at the monitors showing the arriving flights. Any time now his one would come onto screen.

Suddenly Aaron jumped up from the seat to her right.

"Come on mum, they're here." She must have dozen off, because she hadn't seen the flight appear on screen. But there it was. Just on time. American Airlines from San Diego.

Aaron was bouncing up and down, causing her arm which he had grabbed to shake rapidly.

"Aaron, calm down. It'll still take some time for them to get here." And she surely needed this time to get herself mentally ready for this.

Absentmindedly Mac straightened his shirt and ran her hand over his hair to flatten it. She saw her fingers trembling slightly. She hadn't expected it to be easy, but she hadn't expected it to be this hard either.

Aaron still hadn't sat back down. His eyes were focused on the corridor leading to the gangway that would be connected to the plane. The place where they would meet Hannah and her family. He just couldn't understand why his mother wasn't moving. They'd probably miss them this way.

"Mum," he begged.

Mac sighed. She could see the excitement in her son's eyes, and she knew quite well how much he had longed for this day.

"Okay." She rose, straightening her pullover.

When Mac got into motion. Aaron was already some way off. Slowly she proceeded after her son, every now and then calling after him to wait for her.

ooooo

The A380 rolled into its parking position. A soft bang could be heard in the places next to the door when the plane connected with the gangway. Stewardesses opened the doors. And immediately people were filling the aisles to get out. Hannah would have been among them, would it not be for her father who blocked her way.

Only slowly did Harm rose, reaching into the overhead box. Picking out two brand new coats. He had only bought them a week ago. One doesn't need winter jackets much in southern California. A small red backpack followed suit. Hannah had already put on her coat, but Kenny was still looking outside, face pressed against the cool window. He seemed to like the rain, rain that fell heavily in big drops.

"Kenny, sport, put on your coat."

His eyes followed the little boy turning round, putting his blue jacket on and turning back to the window. He had to smile. Kenny was fascinated by the small things. Rain of all kinds could still capture his interest, though he had seen it before. Harm wondered what would have happened if there would have been snow in Illinois. Snow wasn't so unusual in a Chicago November after all.

Hannah was still standing in front of her seat, eyes following the people pushing by. One step to the side and she would be swept away with them.

Harm slowed his actions down to a minimum. The sickening feeling in his stomach had deepened when the doors opened. A feeling of expectation and fear mixed with sorrows and a slight piece of pain, pain that hadn't fully vanished during the years.

When he had finally grabbed his own bag he motioned for his children to get going.

"Come on." Hannah was pulling at her brother's hood.

And with his hand on Hannah's shoulder and the other firmly holding his son's the three of them stepped into the steady but slowly moving flow of people. An A380 could host quite an amount of passengers. And all of them wanted to leave as fast as possible. So a slight queue formed at all doors. Hannah stumbled against a woman in front. The same woman that had passed them seconds earlier and shot Harm a meaningful smile. Normally he would have radiated one of his own back her way. She was a beautiful woman. But today his thoughts were focused on a woman more beautiful, so he didn't even register the smile.

They made it to the door. Another smile was directed at him. The stewardess that had told them about the remaining minutes said goodbye.

"Thank you for flying with us."

The sentence didn't register with Harm. He only moved forward, pushed by the people following. For his likes he would rather stay here, pressed against one of the walls and let all others pass first. He wasn't in a hurry. But Hannah was.

The flow of people had eased after the passing of the door. But half way through the gangway another queue had formed. The whole way was blocked.

Harm's nervousness grew. A cold chill went down his spine, goose-bumps rose on his arms. His hands got sweaty. And the grip on his son's hand tightened unintentionally. He hadn't felt this much fear in a long time. But fear it was. Fear about what was there to come. Fear on how she would react when seeing him and seeing his daughter. Fear on what he would do when he saw her and Aaron.

Kenny felt his father's hand pressing harder. He pulled away. His eyes searched the ones of his father. Kenny found him acting strange lately.

Harm had felt the little hand slipping away. He saw the eyes of his son, an unasked question within.

"Sorry."

Kenny didn't know what his father was thinking, but obviously it had nothing to do with him. But it had to be bad, he could feel as much. So for giving his father some comfort Kenny leaned in, putting his short arms round his father's waist and hugging him with all the might he could muster.

Harm had to smile on that. He leaned down and caressed his son's head.

"Thanks." This little boy was such a great personality and Harm loved having him for a son. "Go to your sister, would you." He didn't want to hurt him again.

Kenny nodded and took the four steps to his sister, who stood leaned against the wall trying to see when they'll be moving again, slipping his hand into one of hers. Hannah mildly smiled down at her little brother. She also loved having him around.

ooooo

They had made it to the barriers that separated the gangway from the waiting area. People were flooding trough.

"See mum. They're already here," Aaron looked around, his head changing direction fast. "We've missed them."

"No we didn't." Mac's voice had gone weak. "They would have waited." It was only slightly louder than a whisper.

"Can we go closer to the bars?"

"We go sit over there," Mac pointed to a bench near a wall. She feared her knees to go weak, they were already feeling like rubber, probably not being able to hold her weight any longer. And sitting, though uncomfortably, appealed to her most now.

"But mum, we won't see them this way," Aaron argued.

Mac didn't answer, just pushed her son closer to the bench.

Yes sitting was much better than having to trust her legs. Mac rubbed her hands on the legs of her jeans. She doesn't seem to get them any drier. She leaned her head against the wall, closed her eyes. She needed to relax a little, or she would totally break down when seeing them. She would surely need all the strength she could muster. Had it been her idea to meet? How could she have thought she could make it? Still her heart beat somewhat too fast.

Aaron was standing by her side, head still looking each way to spot his friend the minute she entered. Mac could feel his presence. It was all that kept her from running. She had promised him. She had done it for him. Aaron had helped her trough the time Harm left, maybe he could help her through now, though he didn't know back then, and he most certainly didn't know about her feelings now.

Surprised by a soft touch on her hand Mac opened her eyes. Aaron had sat down next to her. His head had stopped moving for once. He was looking straight at her.

"You're okay mum?" Maybe he did know.

His mother tried a smile. "Yes sure."

Aaron wondered what had changed his mum. He remembered the day she had practically collapsed in her office at home. She was acting strange. And he was feeling weird about it. He needed her. Needed her to be there, be strong. She was all he had.

He watched her close her eyes and lean back against the wall. One of her hands had covered his that rested on her other. So he stayed next to her, leaning against her shoulder.

After some moments his eyes began scanning the room once again, although he didn't move.

A small corridor had formed so he could see at least half of the entrance of the gangway. His eyes were fixed on the opening and the people passing.

Suddenly he jumped from his seat, retreated his hand from his mother's and started off towards the spot he previously watched.

"Mum, they're here."

ooooo

They had finally made it out of the gangway and into the terminal itself. Security had become a normal pattern, even on inland flights. But it took some time. Too much for Hannah's liking. When people had finally filled into the long corridors and dispersed she searched the people waiting, searched for a face she knew. Aaron and his mum should be there somewhere.

"Dad, this way." She had spotted the face of her friend. He was sitting on a bench close to a woman Hannah supposed to be his mother. He hadn't seen her yet. And if it wasn't for Kenny she would have started running.

"Not that fast Han." One step had brought him to her side. "They're going to wait for us."

But Hannah didn't mind. She wanted to get going, and so she did. It was no problem for Harm to stay by her side, even though she was hurrying. But Kenny was smaller than her, his legs shorter. He needed to run to keep up with his sister who still held his hand.

"Hannah, stop!" Harm had stretched out his hand to keep her from going on.

"What is it?"

"Kenny's not as fast as you and me." He motioned for her brother.

"Sorry."

Kenny nodded slowly.

"We go more slowly. I'm sure Aaron will be waiting."

Hannah knew that Aaron would be waiting, but that didn't change her excitement. She hadn't seen him for months. Why couldn't her father just understand? She forced herself to a steady step.

Harm did see his daughter's face. Saw how much she longed to hurry. Whereas he longed to go even more slowly. The uneasy feeling deepened with every step that brought him nearer to Sarah MacKenzie. But being a good father he picked Kenny up and reached for Hannah with his free hand.

"Let's go." He smiled down at her and seeing her giving a brilliant smile herself his lightened up a bit. At least she was happy.

Harm gave an inward sigh and started again. Purposefully Hannah led her father and brother through the thinning crowd. Step by step the wall was getting closer. Harm guessed that his daughter must have spotted her friend somewhere near the wall. And that would necessarily mean that Mac was near that wall. Less and less people remained between him and Sarah. In minutes time he would see her again. And not only her, but her son. He had never expected that to happen when he left the day he had brought them home from hospital. He may have hoped to see her again the first weeks he had spend in California. But during time and with seeing Hannah grow and later on Kenny, these hopes had vanished to a place in the far back of his mind. And with all the time passed it was no easy thing to face them now.

The sweating started once again. He felt as if he should have worn a T-Shirt, and not the warm clothes that were proper for the weather outside.

They walked through a group of tourists that split to let them pass. It felt as if he walked through a door to his past, but a door to the future all the same.

Only for a short moment he lifted his head. She still was nowhere to be seen. He cast his eyes back down onto the back of his daughter and the feet of passersby.

The very next he saw his daughter's back start to run. She must have spotted her friend again.

ooooo

"Mum, they're here."

Aaron was off in a rush, running through the corridor he had monitored earlier.

Mac saw her son leaving. She wouldn't follow him though, she felt not strong enough to stand. Remaining seated she focused on the place she had last seen her son and waited for the moment she had feared all those months since Aaron had first told her about Hannah.

Sooner or later he would come to her accompanied by a girl she longed to see.

Only mere seconds had passed in her little world before she saw her son come back into view. By his side she saw a brown haired girl. Both children were already talking animatedly.

"Oh my god," she whispered. There she was.

Her heart had once again gained speed and her breathing had become heavy. He would follow close, she knew. Automatically her hands rose to her face, clapped together they rested in front of her mouth and nose. Her eyes were closed. She had to prepare for the next moment. She shivered slightly before opening her eyes.

And there he was. She spotted his tall figure, his dark hair. He carried his son, slowly walking behind the children. From where she sat he looked as if hadn't changed much. His hair was still trimmed short like she remembered it to be. And he still held himself up straight. She couldn't see his eyes yet for he was still some way off.

Slowly Mac rose, still insecure of the strength her legs would offer. She grabbed the wall for support. Her eyes clued to the ground she focused on standing steady. Breathing slowly. Regaining some control of her mixed up emotions.

ooooo

Hannah had started running the moment she spotted Aaron coming towards her. Harm lifted his glance when he saw the vanishing back of his daughter. His eyes never left her. When she practically crashed into the boy all he saw was some black hair. That had to be Aaron then.

His steps slowed immensely. He wasn't covering any meters at all, centimeters at most, with a step taken. Getting nearer to Aaron meant getting nearer to Mac. He lifted his eyes off from the hugging children and searched for her. Still she was nowhere to be seen.

Both Aaron and Hannah were still hugging when he finally reached them, for only stopping would have kept him from eventually closing the distance. They finished, and Aaron turned round facing back the way he'd come.

A loud hiss escaped Harm's lips when he saw the passing face of the little boy. He hadn't expected him to look like this. He had imagined him to look different.

His eyes were now focused on the soft black hair of the boy, when they started off back to where he came from. The hair on the neck was cut short, but the topmost bits of hair were long enough to run down to the top of his ears and move when he was walking.

He still stood at the same spot after several minutes. He couldn't get himself to move.

"Daddy?" Kenny leaned back to better face his father. He put one of his hands on his father's cheek trying to get his attention.

"Huh?" Harm shook his head, as if to shake away everything that had passed his mind.

"Hannah's already over there." Kenny's index finger motioned through the crowd to a place some way off.

"Guess we better get moving then." He rather wouldn't, but he could barely tell his six-year-old. So he began moving.


	9. Meeting Your Former Best Friend

_A/N: Hi guys. Late again I know. But betaing takes much longer than I thought – I make a lot of mistakes ;P. And this chapter is kind of slow. However I would like to know what you think .:hinthint:. _

_A/N: To all of you who die of suspense; watch out for chapters 10 and 13. You might find some answers there._

* * *

**9 – Meeting Your Former Best Friend  
**

She stood in front of Hannah now. Mac took in every bit of the girl who was her son's best friend. The girl who was _her _best friend's daughter. A bright smile radiated from her young face. This girl was happy. Mac's eyes shifted to her son. He was flashing an identical smile. They looked so much alike. Both of them being at their happiest. A small smile crossed her own lips. Confidence rose in her chest. She would get through this, for her son at least. And for the little girl she was now facing.

The moment Harm arrived by their side Mac immediately felt the familiar sensation of all of her body. She had always physically reacted to him. That was why she knew he was there even without having to see him. And in an instant the confidence she had been feeling before was swept away. All that was left was an awkward feeling of insecurity and fear. He was there, she had to face him.

Slowly her eyes rose. Rose to come level with his.

ooooo

He had dreaded this moment for so long. Now he was next to her. She was so close, face to face. There was no safety of a long distance call left. He would have to face her, there was no turning back. Shouldn't one be glad if meeting the woman once loved? He wasn't. All there was, was the fear, fear he felt with every string of his body.

He had come to a halt a few steps behind his daughter. He set his son down on the floor so the boy could move over to stand beside his sister. But Harm couldn't make himself move from where he stood. His arms now tangled by his sides. He didn't know what to do with them. He wanted to hold on to something. Something that might steady his spinning world and give him a small amount of security.

But he could sense her closeness. She was so near. And despite being so afraid, he couldn't help wanting to look at her, to once again lay his eyes on her beauty. Just as carefully as Mac had done he lifted his eyes from the floor.

ooooo

And the moment their eyes met the world around them vanished into the dark. It was like they were all alone. The last people on earth. Both were totally soaked into the other's presence. All senses focused on the person that stood just a few feet away.

Without her eyes ever leaving his Mac could still see all the details of his appearance. His tall form, which she had already seen from the distance, the deep blue of his shirt, which matched his eyes perfectly, the brown of his worn jacket. She saw every wrinkle that had formed around his eyes, but they were the kind one got from smiling a lot. He must have had a good life then. He hadn't bothered to flatten his hair still crumpled from having slept on the plane. It made him look younger. Not that he looked old – in fact Mac didn't think he had aged much since she had last seen him almost 10 years ago.

He was soaked into her gaze. Those brown eyes still captured him. She hadn't changed much. Her hair was now holding a glimmer of red. Her whole skin seemed to shine from the inside. Though Harm remembered having seen it also the day Aaron was born. Motherhood suited her well. Somewhere deep inside the feeling of having missed something important grew. With a hindsight he knew that it would have only taken a word, spoken of either of them, to make him stay. To let him have a family. To see the woman he loved grow into motherhood. But most of all to still be a part of her life. However, they hadn't taken their chances, he hadn't taken his. So now he had to deal with it. And so had she.

Only softly a sound invaded their minds. The constant drumming of the falling rain drops mixed with the pounding heartbeats, forming a perfect union.

ooooo

"So that's my mum. And mum, that's Hannah." Aaron had waited with the introductions for Hannah's father to arrive.

Mac shook hands with the girl. A small smile played around her lips. But a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Hannah drabbed her arm around Kenny's shoulder when he stood next to her.

"That's my brother Kenny."

Kenny shyly took the woman's hand. It felt soft and caring.

Hannah turned slightly around and motioned for Harm. "Over there's my dad."

Harm had taken one step closer. He needed to greet them. He had heard his daughter making introductions. Though it had only been with the volume turned down to a minimum.

"Aaron." He shook the boy's hand.

"His mother," Hannah continued.

Harm would have to take another step to greet her. But he couldn't make himself move. He just stood glued to the ground.

ooooo

Mac slowly moved. And just like the day when they had first met, she was standing there with her hand outstretched for him to take.

On that day in the Rose Garden only one thought had crossed his mind, now there were a million. Seeing her felt like coming home. It felt so right. But it felt wrong all the same. They've both made a living without the other during those years, although it hadn't always been easy. And there were still so many things unsaid, things from the past as well as for the future.

Finally, like he'd done back then, Harm broke out of his reverie and took her hand, eyes still locked.

She could feel the warmth of his skin, feel his strong fingers encircle hers. In this one handshake lay so much comfort and safety which she knew immediately she'd missed. But she could also feel the dampness of sweat on his palm. Sweat that matched hers.

Her fingers were cold, as if she were freezing from the temperatures outside. But her skin was just as soft as he remembered it to be. And in this touch he could sense all her sensibility, but also all her strength.

Neither of them had moved, they were still two steps apart. Only their hands met in the middle. But now, as if given an invisible sign, both took a step forward simultaneously. Harm's arms found their way round her back so easily as if that was where they belonged. At the same time Mac's arms circled round Harm, pulling him near. She rested her head against his shoulder, her cheek softly touching the cool leather of his jacket. She remembered the day she had first seen him wearing it.

_They crawled into the cave he had found. It was already cold, and the night promised even lesser temperatures. Mac made herself comfortable on the moss Harm had brought for them to sleep on. It smelt so wonderful, made her mind stop focusing on the recent events. She felt his presence near her. Harm had positioned himself next to the entrance. It calmed her even more. She closed her eyes trying to get some sleep. He said he would keep guard. _

_For a few minutes she had been just lying there, but her mind was too occupied to let her rest. Images of frightened eyes, of her blood drained hands, or a boy lying on a lonely street begging for help were running through her head. There were also the images of the poachers finding their hiding place which replayed in her mind several times throughout the night. Her eyes flew open, desperate to escape those pictures. But with the night being pitching dark, it didn't matter much whether her eyes were open or not._

_Mac shivered, from the cold or from her memories she didn't know. She curled into a ball her arms wrapped round her knees._

_"You're cold?" she heard his soft voice from the entrance._

_He must have heard her rustle on the ground._

_"Yeah," she whispered._

_For a moment no sound could be heard, then he approached her._

_"Maybe we should warm each other," His voice was as low a whisper as hers had been moments before. But nonetheless she heard a certain insecurity. "That'll probably be the best. I could keep watch from here."_

_"Okay," she had hesitated a moment, but knew he was right. And she trusted him, had done so from the moment he'd helped her in Red Rock Mesa._

_She felt him lying down close beside her. Carefully one of his arms searched its way under her body. She laid her head on his chest. The leather felt cool but warm and comforting. He wrapped his arms tightly around her._

_"Thank you," Mac whispered against his chest. She felt safe in his arms._

_And within minutes her steady breathing softly swept against his ears._

He felt so comfortable just standing there, holding her in his arms. He could feel her breath against his neck. Could feel her heartbeat next to his. Still there was no word spoken.

ooooo

Hannah, Aaron and Kenny watched their parents closely. They were standing wrapped in each other's embrace for minutes already. And none of the children did know why.

Aaron eyed his friend wanting to know whether she knew any explanation. But Hannah only shrugged her shoulders. This was as new to her as it was to him.

Tears started to run down Mac's cheeks. All the fears and expectations broke loose when she stood wrapped up in his arms. She still felt safe there, after all they've gone through. When he was holding her, was near her, she could be herself, she could let go. At least sometimes. He would be strong for her, comfort her, she knew. Right now that was all she needed, and that made her cry. Hadn't it been his being that damn strong in the first place the reason that they parted ways? But being close to him now just made all those things drift back into the past. Right now his presence was all that mattered.

Aaron had watched his mother closely, saw her tears and was next to her in an instant.

"Mum?" He didn't want her to cry. She seldom did, and surely not in front of strangers she had just met.

Harm felt her nod against his shoulder. Slowly he took her by the shoulders and pulled her away a bit. Enough to look into her eyes. The soft brown was pooled with tears and her cheeks were shimmering wet. Automatically his right hand rose, softly touching her cheek. His thumb brushed away the tears that still kept falling. Then he smiled, shy at first, waiting for her to respond. When she did so and her tears finally stopped, his smile grew wider. Wide enough to be a small flyboy smile.

"Hi."

It was the first word spoken eye to eye after nearly ten years' time.

"Hi yourself," Mac answered.

Both were smiling weakly.

ooooo

Silently they stepped apart. No other words were needed. No 'How are you?' or things like that. During the previous moments both had strongly felt just how the other was feeling. That they weren't alone with their fear and insecurity.

Harm stepped back behind his children, but his smile always in place and his eyes never leaving her. Immediately the kids, who still watched their parents closely wondering just what they had seen, knew it was time to go. The threesome took the lead, followed by Harm.

Mac still hadn't moved. But shortly afterwards she joined Harm, silently walking next to him. Always staying close.

Harm had his eyes fixed on his daughter's back, but his thoughts lingered on the moment prior, when he was holding Mac, felt the warmth and dampness of her tears on his fingertips. He still loved her. He knew for sure now. This one moment had brought everything there had ever been back. The pain as well as the love.

Mac felt the need to be near him. No, not near, close. There still was this comfort he radiated whenever one came near him. And in his arms she had forgotten all her fear, only enjoyed being with him once again. And right there she knew that she'd never stopped loving him. All the time of trying to forget him hadn't changed anything about her feelings towards him. Seeing him for only minutes had revived all there had been in the past. Only this time it seemed to be much stronger than she remembered it to be.

* * *

_A/N: My beta suggested I use timestamps for you to keep track of time (not on the flashbacks though). What do you think? Do you want/need them or don't you? I'll follow the majority._


	10. Way Back When

_The poll about the timestamps closed three 'against', one pro and one undecided (as far as I counted). So for now I'm not using any timestamps (sorry Prinnie, but if you get lost feel free to email me)._

_So here it is; the first part of the secret is to be revealed.

* * *

_

**10 – Way Back When  
**

Hannah and Aaron were the first to climb into the taxi. Harm helped the driver load their suitcases into the trunk. All the while Mac stood by the open doors and watched him.

Finally all the bags were packed. "You can take this side." Harm gestured for Mac to enter the car after their children, as he reached for Kenny's hand and picked the little boy up. Then, they walked around the back of the car and slipped into the seat behind the driver. Mac only nodded and settled onto the seat next to Hannah.

Little did the driver know that these would be the only words he would hear from the adults, except for the 'Thank you,' and 'Happy Thanksgiving,' from the woman when she paid their fee.

Both seemed to prefer to watch the city flowing by the car's windows. The woman leaned her head against the cool glass of her door and kept staring outside. The driver didn't know if she actually saw anything.

The man had the youngest kid on his knees, the two older ones to his right. His head was turned and his eyes fixed on the skyline racing by.

And although the parents didn't talk, the children were making up for that. They were talking rapidly. 'If they'd keep that speed, there would be nothing left for tomorrow to tell,' the driver thought amused.

The driver wondered anyway why these two siblings had so much to tell to each other. It was as if they'd lived worlds apart.

He focused on their talk a little. Maybe one day he would write a book with all the stories he'd heard through the years. No one ever seemed to mind that there was always a driver present when they were telling their secrets in the back of a taxi.

After a few moments he was distracted by an incoming call for his next round. When he concentrated back on the kids talk he caught something odd.

Had the boy just said _his_ mum? Weren't they a family? They seemed so close, even though neither of the parents spoke. But they didn't seem to be very uncomfortable with this. Maybe he hadn't been that wrong with them living worlds apart. There had to be a good story behind this, he knew for sure.

The moment they had reached the hotel, the kids already started to leave the car. The man followed suit and unloaded their bags, having a watchful eye on the three children.

The driver's eyes followed the five of them until they were well into the hotel. Only then did he take off for the next customer. He shrugged his shoulders. That most probably had been the only time he would meet them, so he'd never find out what their story was. So why bother with them? He didn't know, but something got him caught with this 'family'.

ooooo

All three children stayed with the bags while Harm and Mac approached the receptionist.

"Hello, I've booked two rooms for Rabb."

"Me one for MacKenzie."

The receptionist checked with his computer and nodded his head.

"Ms. MacKenzie, Mr. Rabb, we do offer a Thanksgiving dinner in our restaurant tonight. Do you want me to save you a place?"

Harm and Mac looked at each other. They hadn't thought much about what to do tonight, or the following days, for that matter.

"Guys," Harm motioned for the kids to step closer. "How about some turkey tonight?"

All three of them nodded.

"We'll take five places then," Mac answered the clerk.

"A joint table?"

"Yes please."

He typed their reservation into the computer.

Then, only turning slightly to get the keys from the shelf behind, he said:

"Here you go. Ms. MacKenzie room 204 and Mr. Rabb rooms 320 and 322. Sorry they're not on the same floor. We didn't know you belonged together."

"That's no problem," Mac tried to assure him and Harm nodded.

"Okay. Dinner will start at half past seven in the restaurant over there." He motioned for a door to the right. "Have a nice stay."

"Thank you."

Both Harm and Mac herded their children back to the bags and to the elevators.

When they reached the second floor and the lift came to a halt Hannah remembered something.

"Had the clerk just said that your last name's MacKenzie?"

"Yeah. What about it?" Aaron answered.

"I just find it kind of funny, 'cause –"

This very moment Mac softly pushed Aaron along to leave the lift. They headed off to find their room without Hannah getting the chance to finish her sentence.

The doors closed behind them and the elevator started for the upper floor. Hannah turned to face her father to tell him about what she'd found out. But Harm was now talking to her brother. So she had to keep it to herself, silently wondering about the strange coincidence.

ooooo

The moment the elevator's doors closed behind her, and Mac was left on the hotel corridor alone with her son, the tension she'd been experiencing for hours, lessened a bit. Things had not been as bad she had expected them to be. She leaned against the wall inhaling deeply. Her heartbeat had slowed down to normal during the taxi ride.

"Which way, scout?" She handed her son the keycard for him to lead the way.

"This corridor." He had carefully read the numbers on the golden signs.

They followed the indicated corridor and passed two doors before they reached their room. Aaron run the card through the reader and opened the door for his mother to step in.

"Could we go up to Hannah and her family?"

"We've only just entered our room. Don't you want to rest a little first?" She'd prefer to.

"I'm not tired. Please, mum."

"Okay, but let me go to the bathroom first."

When she came back out, she felt refreshed, not only physically because of the cold water she had splashed on her face, but also mentally. Maybe she would now be able to relax a little over the weekend.

Aaron had put his coat off and was sitting in one of the chairs scanning through the room service menu.

"You're hungry?" Saying this Mac felt that she was hungry herself, as her stomach made a soft rumble.

"Yeah, a bit. But we can order something from Hannah's room, can't we?"

"We might."

And so they headed for the floor above where Harm and his kids were just inspecting their rooms.

ooooo

When he heard the knock, he went to open the door.

She was already back. Aaron slipped round him to join Hannah and Kenny who were sitting on the master bed. Harm hadn't moved at all, still blocking the way inside.

"You're going to let me in?" Mac finally asked.

"Sure." He stepped aside.

But only slightly, so her arm brushed over his chest when she passed him.

"You guys want to go somewhere?" She motioned for the kids who were still clad in their jackets.

"We thought about taking a walk on the waterfront," Harm answered and added in a whisper, "I need to tire them out, they're still two hours earlier."

"I see. But it's raining."

"Does anybody mind?" he asked, eyes shifting to his children.

"No," came from both.

And a 'no' followed from Aaron. "Can we go too, mum?"

"What about your hunger?"

"We can have something on the walk," Aaron suggested.

"Okay, if they are taking us." Mac was still eying her son, but in reality asking Harm whether he would like being left alone until dinner tonight.

"We're taking you." It was Hannah who answered first.

Harm only nodded a short 'Yes'.

"Why don't we meet in the lobby in 5 minutes, so we can gather our things?"

"Alright." Harm had followed Mac and Aaron to the door and held it open for them.

ooooo

They'd walked a paved footpath following the waterline. The rain had stopped shortly after they'd left the hotel but the wind was still strong.

Kenny was walking beside his father, his small hand wrapped safely in his father's. Mac was walking alongside him at his other side. Hannah and Aaron were several steps ahead still talking vividly, every other moment laughing out loud.

Harm would love to be back in a place where he could share some laughs with his best friend. But he just didn't know how to get there. How to get past all the things that had been happening between them.

Mac wondered how long they would proceed in this silence. They had already walked for 15 minutes and 47 seconds without saying a single word. She longed to talk to him. But what about? She could always ask something about Hannah and her growing up. How his life went in California, what he had been doing. There were many things she wished to know. But she didn't know how to approach them or if she was able to stand the answers. Thinking and hearing about the past would bring back so many memories. Bring back resentments over chances not taken.

The moment she was about to open her mouth to finally say something, a cold little hand caught her by surprise. Kenny had slipped his hand inside hers that she had kept dangling alongside her body. The small hand felt so naturally there. But it kept her from voicing any question. She just took in every bit of the moment.

Harm felt Kenny jump. Automatically he stiffened the muscles of his arm. Slowly he registered what his son was doing, he was playing flying. But that had to mean that… Harm's eyes which had been fixed on the horizon wandered down to his son and then back up. Up to meet with Mac's. He saw her holding Kenny's other hand, her arm moving synchronously with his, to let the little boy fly. He shot her a small smile and silently voiced "Sorry," towards her.

"It's okay," Mac smiled back.

Actually she liked it, though a slight pain had already started to climb her arm. There hadn't been many occasions she'd played this with Aaron, simply due to the lack of somebody to play it with. So right now she enjoyed the obvious joy of the little blond boy. They kept their movement going for a little while longer until Kenny was bored. His fingers slipped from their hands and he hurried off to his sister to find something else to do.

Mac watched the blonde boy run ahead. "He hasn't inherited much of your features."

"No, I guess. But that's because I'm not his biological father." Harm was surprised that he had really said it aloud. There weren't many who knew. And normally he didn't tell that on the first chance anyway. But this very moment with Mac it felt as if they'd never been apart.

Mac was equally taken by surprise. She would never have guessed. She'd just pictured someone like Renee to be the little boy's mother.

"Why?"

"His mother and I met at my mum's gallery. We talked a lot and found out that we were both working and living on North Island. So we met a few times during the following weeks."

"We got along pretty well." 'She'd been the best friend I had in a while.' "Then when Kenny was born, his mother and her husband asked me to be his godfather. And I adored him. When I held him in my arms I remembered the days I had held AJ and Aaron." His eyes clouded a little, the blue getting a darker shade.

"I longed to be part of a family. Longed to have friends. Hannah had been all I had back then."

Mac nodded her head, she knew perfectly well what he had been feeling. From the day Harm had left, Harriet had tried to fill his place, she had done well, but still, it felt that there was something missing.

"But when Kenny was about four months old, his parents died in a ferry accident on their way over the bay to San Diego. Relying on their wills and with no relatives there who could claim guard, Kenny was given into my care. And with Hannah at good health I had proven my capability to raise a child, although I was single at that time. The juvenile court let him stay with me. Half a year later I legally adopted him. And now he's just as much my son as any biological could be."

Mac was watching him closely. She knew he loved Kenny like his own son. She could see it from the start and was seeing it in his eyes now.

"Thanks for telling me this." She knew it hadn't been easy for him to do so. Maybe they were getting back on track. One step at a time.

Somehow the tension both had been feeling eased afterwards. The feeling of having someone to confide in, someone who would listen, was obviously still there.

But still, how to open a conversation after ten years of silence? Neither Harm nor Mac knew for sure.

"You're going to tell him one day?" Mac asked, her eyes following the six year old.

"Should do so, don't you think?" He had given it much thought lately. Ever since things started to take another sharp turn in his life. Since the possibility of seeing her again had appeared.

"Just don't know when. When is he old enough to understand, but young enough not to tell me I kept it from him?"

Mac only shrugged her shoulders. How could she tell? But within this statement she heard so much about him that she'd come to know a long time ago. He hadn't changed that much at all. He was still eager to always do the right thing. And she was sure that when he was convinced about something he went through with it. He was ready to face whatever consequences there might be, no matter how hard it was for him, just because he figured it to be right.

ooooo

"Mum?"

Mac and Harm had closed up to the children.

"Can I have a hotdog please?" Aaron tipped his head in the direction of a nearby stall.

"Still hungry, aren't you? And so am I," Mac smiled at her son, a hand lightly resting on his shoulder to walk him to the stall.

"We're back in a minute."

"How about the two of you?" she heard Harm ask his children and turned back round.

"You allow your kids to eat hotdogs?" Her eyebrows had risen to the hairline, emphasizing her questioning look.

"Occasionally." Harm's eyes said it wasn't a serious matter.

"I'd bet they'd only live on veggies."

"They refused to do so." Now his eyes had a glimmer within, which Mac knew from the happy days before their friendship had become a downhill ride.

He stepped up to her, while Hannah and Kenny joined Aaron to run to the stall.

"I see each of them has got you wrapped round their little finger. The tough fighter pilot is not able to resist a children's wish," she teased.

"Is the kick-ass Marine?"

She only shook her head slightly. No, she wasn't.

ooooo

"Everybody ready? We've only got 57 minutes left to be back at the hotel and get dressed," Mac announced.

The four of them had a hotdog while Harm just stood by and smiled at how much one could enjoy a simple roll with a sausage in it. When Kenny finished a half of his meal, his face was already covered in ketchup.

"You're still able to tell the time?"

"I am, nothing much changed."

"You changed a lot."

Mac was looking at him stunned. What was that supposed to mean?

"For what?"

"For the better." While walking alongside her he had had the chance to take a glance at her, registering all the small things that had changed. Not only was there the healthier taint he had seen earlier at the airport, but the love and affection in her eyes every time she watched one of the children. And there seemed to be a new kind of self-assurance about her. The trained level of being a Marine seemed to have given place to one resulting from the knowledge of being a good mother, having done something right and being absolutely sure about it.

ooooo

They had been walking back for quite some time. The children still in front and Harm and Mac following.

"Kenny, no!" Harm suddenly yelled.

But it was too late.

Kenny had approached a big puddle had jumped into it with a splash. But what he hadn't thought of was it's depth. So now there was a little six year old standing in a pool of water rising well above his ankles and rinsing into his shoes.

Kenny was too shocked to do anything other than stare at his father who immediately rushed to him. Harm reached out to pull him out. And with Kenny dangling from his outstretched arms, Harm walked over to a nearby bench, accompanied by Mac and their children.

Carefully he took off the first shoe. A cascade of water ran down and splashed on the ground.

Harm spun around when a soft grunt could be heard behind him. He was facing Mac who desperately tried to suppress her laughter, although she wasn't quite successful.

"You think that's funny?"

She shook her head 'no', but a giggle escaped her lips.

"Oh, okay." And an evil grin crossed his lips.

He picked up the shoe which was still tripling wet and threw it at her.

"Ahh!" A wet spot formed on her chest were she got hit. "That wasn't nice."

When he saw Mac's mocking face, Harm had to start laughing himself.

At first, she was just standing there, holding the wet shoe at arm's length and looking at the spot were it hit her chest. He hadn't done that, had he? When the water started seeping through her pullover she knew he did.

"Come on, let me help you." She crouched next to Harm.

Meanwhile Hannah and Aaron were tripling over with laughter. Their parents were acting just so strange. Neither of them had seen his or her parent at such ease.

"No need to." Harm reached for the second shoe, and an equal cascade of water came out.

"But I'd like to," Mac pulled at one of the wet socks. "and I'd like to return the favor." And with that she stuffed the cold sock into his collar, slapping him on the back so the water was running down his back.

"That's da― cold!" Harm jumped and tried to remove the sock, some of the water having already reached his boxers.

"Mac, please take it out. Pleeaase!"

By now Kenny had started to laugh as well. The shock passed with the socks removed and his feet being relatively dry again.

"Okay, come over here," Mac had stood up and pushed Harm down to search for the sock.

She handed him the offending object still laughing so wildly she had to sit down. "Here you go, flyboy." His nickname had slipped without her even thinking about it. It felt just so natural.

"Well _ninja girl_, thank you very much." For a moment there it was like these ten years never happened. That they were just that, flyboy and ninja girl laughing together.

When Harm looked at all of them, Mac and Kenny sitting side by side on the bench and Hannah and Aaron holding on to each other to keep straight, he felt totally relaxed for the first time in months. With all of them happy, there seemed to be nothing to worry about anymore.

After a few more minutes they all calmed down and were ready to walk on.

"You take these?" Harm asked Mac holding the shoes for her to take.

"As long as you don't throw them at me again." A small smile played round her lips.

As Kenny had no shoes to walk in, Harm took him to sit on his shoulders. The boy's small feet were stuck into the sleeves of his father's leather jacket to keep them warm.

The rest of the walk was filled with easy chatter. And it weren't only Hannah and Aaron who talked.


	11. A Brighter Day

_Alright, I'm back. Some unforeseen problems screwed up the whole schedule. I didn't mean to drag the secret out that long. But some things just can't be helped and you sadly still have to wait. _

_Now just enjoy :)_

_

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_

**11 – A Brighter Day  
**

Though it was cold, late November pleased Chicago with bright sunshine the next morning. So it was only natural that the five of them had decided to take a stroll through downtown Chicago along with several other tourists and locals.

Having already covered the topmost item on their 'what-to-do' list, the Sears Tower, they were crossing the Gateway Park at the city's lakefront heading for Navy Pier.

As it had become a pattern, the children were taking the lead with Harm and Mac following them.

Harm looked at Aaron. He had come to like the boy much within the few hours he had known him, not counting those when he'd been with the infant through the first weeks of his life. He'd grown into a splendid boy.

As Mac was walking just beside him, he didn't have to raise his voice much when he expressed his thoughts. "You raised him well." He added even softer, "I'd known you'll be a wonderful mother."

Surprised by the compliment, Mac focused on him, whereas his eyes were still fixed at Aaron. His words were spoken with such warmth, yet there was some kind of sorrow in them, that made her shiver.

"Thank you. But you did a good job yourself. Hannah and Kenny are great persons to be with."

"True, that they are. But I got help along the way." Still there was this remorse in his voice. He was sorry that he missed the chance to see her as a mother and that they weren't there for each other.

"So did I."

She had had help. Not from a partner, but from dear friends. And that had been almost as wonderful.

Harm's eyes had finally left Aaron's back and risen to Mac's face. She could see a pain within, a pain she knew was always present inside her as well. Or so it had been until yesterday's dinner.

_All those years she had thought about the things that could have gone different. Different if she had not accepted his suggestion, had pleaded him to stay. But at this very moment, when they were all seated around some restaurant table and having a Thanksgiving dinner, Mac suddenly knew things were good the way they were. And who knows how things would have turned out if Harm had stayed. If they would sit here as well, all of them listening to a Thanksgiving story Aaron was telling. _

_She looked around, into the faces of the people surrounding her._

_Aaron was already chuckling because of the amusing ending he knew there was to come. _

_Hannah had her eyes fixed on her friend, waiting for him to finish his story._

_Next to her was Harm, a forkful of mashed potatoes making its way up to his mouth, but his eyes on Aaron. She could tell that he was all ears._

_And there was Kenny. The young blond boy was not looking at her son, he was looking directly at her, flashing her a smile only a child's face could offer. So innocent but yet so full of all that was important._

_Mac smiled back. He wouldn't be here for sure if Harm had stayed in Washington._

_And that had been the second when all her previous thoughts of a different outcome moved to a place in the back of her mind and made place for the here and now. A here and now she loved._

_Her son's story registered back in her mind._

_"…see, mum wanted to fork this mushroom, but it slipped away and flew off her plate. Guess where it went. – It hit the Admiral flat on the chest."_

_Both Aaron and Hannah started giggling, picturing the flying mushroom._

_"No it didn't?" Harm eyed Mac quizzically seeing if Aaron had invented the whole episode._

_"I have to confess. Yes it's true," Mac shrugged her shoulders, a grin spreading over her face._

_"And what did he do?" Harm was still stunned._

_"He said 'Got it,' and tucked it in his mouth." She now had to laugh at the memory. It had been a pleasant Thanksgiving spent with AJ and Meredith. One of several._

_Dinner went on in a nonchalant way. It lacked the awkward silence of earlier hours, but neither Harm nor Mac were right back on easy ground. So from their side the conversation was only superficial, but both seemed to be quite at ease with how things had developed throughout the day and weren't pushing any further._

"No need to dread decisions once made," she knew now.

"You think we made the right decision then?" It was the first time he had asked it aloud, so far it had only been a question that kept swirling round in his head.

"I don't know. And I didn't know then. But when I look back now, things have worked out right for me, not perfect maybe, but close. No need to think about things that could have been otherwise."

"You're probably right. And if we wanted to, we would need to start far earlier than that night." He thought about all the chances not taken, not taken because both of them had been too afraid.

ooooo

"Come on!" Hannah shouted from the entrance of Navy Pier as she and Aaron had already reached it while Harm and Mac had once again stayed behind.

When the two adults reached their children, Kenny's hands slipped easily into both their hands and he was ready to go.

"What are we going to do?" he asked, large eyes shifting from his father to Mac and back.

"How about we have a look around first?" Harm suggested.

"It's lunchtime anyway. We should find ourselves something to eat," Mac added.

"What else is new?" Harm smiled.

She only shrugged her shoulders.

As Aaron had grabbed a visitor's map at an information point, he was the one showing them around.

"Hey, look over there. Seafood," Harm pointed to a restaurant.

"NO!" came from all three children, together with a disgusted look from Hannah.

"Isn't there anything else?" she asked, looking over her best friend's shoulder to read the map.

"McDonald's over there."

"No. You had hot dogs yesterday. No fast food." This time it was Harm who objected.

Mac reached for the map. "Let me see if I can find something that suits everyone."

ooooo

They had spent about an hour in a steak house at the promenade of the Pier. It had been relaxed and easy and it naturally didn't go without a teasing comment of Harm aiming towards the size of Mac's steak.

Well fed, the five of them walked towards the waiting attractions.

"Let's do the maze," Aaron had stopped dead in his steps and indicated the attraction to their right.

"Okay, you kids go and Mac and I'll wait outside," Harm nodded.

"No dad. See, it's for all of us." Hannah tipped her finger on the glass of the ticket counter showing him a sign that read 'Amazing. Fun for the whole family.'

"You're afraid you'll get lost in there, sailor?" Mac teased.

"Only when I'm forced to follow you."

He reached for his wallet to pay the required fee. No need to say, that when Mac wanted to go inside, he was only too willing to follow.

Within seconds all the children had vanished into the maze, leaving Mac and Harm to stay behind.

"So you want to go first?" Harm asked.

"No. You didn't want to follow me, so you go first." She shoved him towards the entrance.

"Okay. See you outside." He turned round the first corner.

Then however he came back outside. "Call when you get lost."

"Go on!" she demanded.

And when he didn't return after two minutes, Mac walked around this first corner too. She found herself in a cabinet of mirrors and glass walls. Every now and then she bumped into one of these walls, which were wiped perfectly clean to not to be seen.

Only ten minutes had passed since she had first stepped into this and she already felt as if she wasn't making any progress at all. But turning back and going outside wasn't possible either. Not that she was ashamed of turning back, but there simply was no way. She was totally lost.

Walking like blindfolded, arms stretched out wide, she touched the walls on her either side, trying to find the way to go on. When her right hand lost contact with the glass, she turned and took two steps before she hit solid again. Only this time she wasn't alone. The most pleasant sight turned up before her eyes.

There he stood. Only thirty meters in front of her was Harm. Hands stretched out as well, he was slowly turning around.

"Harm," she called out.

"Mac?" He fully turned facing the direction her voice had come from.

Had that been relief she'd heard in his voice? Because _she_ definitely was feeling relieved.

Quickly she walked towards him. Only five more meters. He was waiting for her, when she -.

Bang.

She'd hit a wall again.

"Ouch." It felt so much like their life. Every time she thought they found a way to each other, they hit a wall, that wasn't visible before.

"You're okay?" He came closer, his hand now resting on the glass she hadn't noticed.

"Yeah, I think so. Did I really just bumped into this wall at full force?" She asked now feeling somewhat stupid for wanting to reach him that badly.

"I haven't seen it as well. Only when I saw your nose crumple against it, did I realize it was there."

"So how about we find a way to get out of here together?" Mac looked around at the walls surrounding them, towering about three meters high. No way to get past them.

"I'd like that. But how do we get together?" He had asked himself that question a thousand times in the past, only now he meant it in the most pragmatic way there was. Just standing next to each other.

"You keep standing there and I'll get around somehow." She turned round searching for a way out of the corridor she way in.

About ten turns later and looking around after every turn, searching for Harm, Mac had finally reached him.

"Glad you made it," he smiled brightly at her.

"You know a way out?"

"No," he shrugged. "You said don't move. So I didn't."

After several more minutes and him running into some walls, they made it out of the mirror cabinet. But the end of the cabinet wasn't outside by any means. Behind a little open room with benches to relax another maze began.

The bold letters above the entrance read, 'Chicago Underground'.

"Ready Marine?"

"Any other way out?"

The 'Underground' was pitch dark and there was a voice who told them to go on. It accompanied them, told them when to turn. Every now and then a little light shine through the roof and indicated some of Chicago's highlights of the underground, like old train stations or so. If it hadn't been for the darkness the walk would have been quite pleasant.

Suddenly a high yelp came from Harm who walked first.

"Mac, don't—"

Hardly had he started his sentence when another yelp pitched the darkness.

"Give me your hands," Harm demanded, and Mac gratefully obliged.

"What was that? I thought I was about to fall," Mac wanted to know when she was back on solid ground.

Both her and Harm had stepped onto a field of foam rubber where their feet hadn't found solid ground for a few seconds. And in the darkness it felt like falling into a bottomless hole.

"That's why I wanted to warn you."

"Next time only say stop. And I will."

"Aye, aye ma'am." And though Mac couldn't see him, he saluted in the dark, pulling one of his hands free.

With their hands still joined they proceeded through the darkness, faced the rattling of a moving floor, the shaking of the whole room and the dripping water of a simulated sewage channel.

The maze still wasn't finished, but turned into a more enjoyable walk through light-flooded areas of Chicago afterwards.

ooooo

"Do you know how long they've been in there?" Hannah asked.

Aaron had been the first to get back outside, shortly followed by Hannah and Kenny. All three of them had enjoyed it very much and wanted to repeat the experience as soon as their parents would be out as well.

But minutes had passed without either Mac or Harm getting outside.

"Fifteen minutes since you came out." He didn't have to check a watch, but Hannah wasn't in the mood to realize.

"You think they got lost for real? Maybe they got hurt?" She started to worry. Maybe she should suggest they go searching for them.

"I knew you would get lost in there." Mac turned to face Harm when they stepped back into the afternoon sun of Chicago.

"It wasn't me who kissed that wall, because I didn't like being alone."

"But you wouldn't let go of my hand all the rest of the way." She knew it wasn't only him. And it wasn't only not to get lost in this maze. Maybe it was not getting lost in life one more time.

"You wouldn't either." He softly squeezed her hand. It felt good holding it.

"Dad!" Hannah came running towards them.

"You had fun?" Harm asked when she had reached them.

When they had assured Hannah that both he and Mac were fine, all of them proceeded with their stroll through Navy Pier. The kids had some rounds on the old fashioned carousel while their parents stood side by side enjoying watching their children and experiencing the newfound easiness that lingered between them.

ooooo

The clock ticked towards six pm when they started on their way back to the hotel.

"You two want a photo-memory of today?" Harm asked both Hannah and Aaron when they passed a small photo-shop off the pier.

"Okay."

"Hello, we'd like these two photographed," Mac greeted the man approaching them.

"Back over here."

After a few moments of arranging he clicked some shots away.

"We're done here."

Hannah and Aaron hopped down from the little table they had been sitting at.

"How about a family portrait?" the man asked eying both Harm and Mac.

"I don't think. We're not a—" A little uneasiness had crept into Harm's voice.

"It'll be my pleasure. You won't have to buy, if you don't like it."

He positioned Hannah and Aaron back on the table, joined by Kenny.

"Would the two of you stand behind your children?"

And only when they were getting up from the couch did Mac and Harm realized that they were still holding hands. Now they knew why the photographer got the wrong picture. But neither of them felt uncomfortable with this.

Some more clicking followed and finally they were really done.

"It'll take about an hour to get them ready."

"Right." Harm followed Mac who had already joined the kids outside.

"Any ideas as to what we should do within the next hour?" he asked.

"The maze?" Aaron asked.

Both Harm and Mac shared a rather uncomfortable glance, before they finally burst out laughing. "You'd better think of something different."

Then Kenny piped in, "Can we get on a boat?" He had walked over to the waterfront looking at the boats harbored at the pier.

"I don't know whether they're still operating at this time of the year," Mac answered joining him at the railing.

"Can we check?" Blue eyes were searching hers for approval.

"Sure." She reached for the little boy's hand. It had been a while since Aaron let her do this. He'd grown so much. And in a way she had longed to do this, had missed it.

Harm watched her interact with his son. She was so precious, so tender. He was sure she was a good mother. Once again he felt this little sickening feeling in his stomach that told him he didn't like having missed seeing her as a mother.

And though they hadn't found a boat, the hour did pass quickly and they made their way back to the small shop.

When they entered, the man immediately reached for the photos. They chose four, picturing the two children. Both of them seemed to be happy around each other, and the photos were reflecting this. When they were done, the man produced two more photos. Photos that showed 'the family', as he had called it. And truth be told, they did show a family.

Both Hannah and Aaron were leaning against their respective parents while Hannah had her arm wrapped around her little brother who sat between them. But what made the picture perfect were Harm and Mac. They stood side by side, her leaning close to him, his arm wrapped around her waist. Both were sharing that look of warmth and love. At this very moment they were happy. All five of them were. And this happiness was radiating from the picture.

Harm for one hadn't felt this happy in years. He felt _completely_ happy. When he looked up from the picture, he saw it in her eyes as well. The brown was sparkling gold. She had to feel the same. Finally, they were somehow on the same page. And most importantly, at this moment they both knew, knew for sure what the other felt. A simple picture had made them see.

"We'll take these, too," Mac said, her eyes never leaving his, and her hand reaching out for his once more. Things had changed this day. One day had made all the difference. Or maybe all this years did. But what did it matter now? All their lives were about to change if they would go through with this. But wasn't that day something to start from, to take it as a new beginning while it was a glance into the past all the same? And at least for today neither Harm nor Mac would do anything about it, just enjoy and treasure.


	12. Everything And You

This chapter turned out to be quite resistant, but thanks to a wonderful beta it's finally ready to be posted. So you and I owe a great deal of this chap to _papillon ephemere_, especially the beginning and the encouragement to include the flashback that will hopefully explain Harm's leaving. 

Now enjoy :D

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**12 – Everything And You  
**

They were all gathered in Harm's room after dinner. The kids were spread out on the bed, watching some movie Harm had brought from the reception.

Mac stood by the window watching the rain that had started to fall about ten minutes prior. She was thinking. Thinking about all that had happened today, and all that could come out of this. Her heart told her not to think, just to go with the ride. Maybe then she would finally get for what she's longed for so long – a relationship with a man she loved and a real family. After seeing today a glance of what she could have with Harm, she didn't want to wait any longer. She would just play it by ear. It was after all too much thinking that kept her away from him and their chance for a family in the past.

But then she realized she needed to think. Think it through for the sake of their children and hers. She had to remember that Harm left her. What if the years hadn't changed anything and they still wouldn't be able to make a relationship work?

She sighed. What were they going to do? Were she and Harm going to do anything, or would they just part the day after tomorrow only meeting when their kids wanted to see each other? What if Aaron and Hannah's friendship cooled down one day? Was she never to see Harm again after that? Soft tears started to run down her face, mirroring the raindrops on the window.

Harm sat between Mac and the kids, but his eyes were closed and he didn't hear anything apart from the rain falling outside. The weather reflected his feelings perfectly. The day had started with bright sunshine. Both he and Mac finally understood each other without any words spoken. But after dinner, when they came back up here, things had begun to cloud over, just like the sky had. Mac had grown awfully quiet. She had retreated to the window and into herself, keeping him at arm's length once more. He wanted so much to take her into his arms right now, wanted to comfort her, to comfort himself. To whisper into her ears that things would be fine. But would they truly be? Or would he lie to her by telling this? How could he be sure they'd make it this time, when it was exactly the way Mac acted now had that made him think about leaving in the first place? Was it because all those years passed? Had they changed? He surely had. He had become a father, and that meant for him more than life itself. His kids were all he had. And what about them if Mac and him made things work? Everything would change dramatically for each of the three. Could he rip either Hannah and Kenny or Aaron from friends and family to make them live somewhere different just for him to be with Mac? Would they be happy in the end if he wasn't? Because Harm knew that he couldn't be completely happy without her.

A loud laughter from the bed brought him back to reality. He watched them for a moment. Hannah was lying on her stomach next to Aaron who was in the same position. Her little brother, curled into a ball, rested by her other side.

Maybe they wouldn't take it that bad? Wasn't it worth a try? They were old enough to understand. Damn, they heard about splitting parents from their friends and in school anyway. And weren't they growing up with a single parent, experiencing their changing relationships? Why was it so much different this time? Because Mac was the only woman he would love for the rest of his life and he would break if it didn't work?

He forced himself out of the chair and rounded the TV to get to his son's side. Carefully he picked him up, carrying the sleeping boy to bed into the adjoining room. For a while he just stood there, watching him sleep.

When he reentered the master bedroom, nothing had changed. Hannah and Aaron were still lying side by side, now fast asleep. For a moment Harm wondered whether he should pick his daughter up and carry her into her own bed. But once his eyes swayed to Mac he decided against it.

She still was leaning against the window facing outward. Harm slowly stepped up behind her, lingering for a moment, waiting for her reaction. There was none. So he slowly put his arms around her waist, stepped a little closer and pulled her against his chest. For a moment she tensed under his touch but then she let herself fall into the warmth of his embrace. She felt his breath against her neck, his heart pounding next to her spine; felt her heart synchronize with his. That was all she needed. All her doubts seemed to vanish into the vacuum that was surrounding them. Maybe things would work out after all.

"What are you thinking about?" Harm softly whispered into her ear.

"About how this weekend went."

"It isn't over yet. We still have a whole day left."

"Does this mean tomorrow will be better or worse than today?" Mac challenged, looking at their tangled up reflection in the window.

"Depends on how you think about today," he answered, his lips brushing against her ear.

Mac searched for his eyes before she spoke. "I loved today. I loved spending time with you and the kids."

"So did I. You know, ever since Han came home from summer camp and I learned just whom she met, I feared the day they would eventually want to meet again."

She nodded her head, she knew how he felt, had experienced the same up until the moment she was back in his arms at the airport.

"I'd pictured us meeting in a million different ways," Harm continued pulling her hand up above her shoulder to kiss it. "But I would have never dreamt of it being like this. I just didn't know how to react when seeing you again. So many things had changed over the years." He gently turned Mac around in his arms to look right into her eyes when he said the next words. "But at the very same moment I wanted so much to see you, see how you been doing. I missed you Sarah."

Mac leaned slightly back in his arms so she could look up at him. "I missed you too. And I wanted to see what Hannah was like. Wanted to see you being a father. That was what made me go through with it, despite all the fears I harbored."

"I always knew you were stronger than me. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to suggest a meeting."

"But when you told me how you felt about it, that you weren't sure, I understood you perfectly well. You weren't the only one." Mac squeezed his hand to assure him. "And I'm sure you would have made the same decision in the end. Cause deep down you know, like I do, that this is the right thing to do."

He slightly nodded his head, although he wasn't so sure.

Next, Mac cautiously asked the question which burned heavy on her chest. "What happens now? Do we go back to our own lives? Let them stay in touch? Do _we_ stay in touch?"

"Honestly? I don't know. There's much we need to think about. Why can't things be any easier?"

Mac turned her head to look back at the window. "They never were for us," she whispered.

"No, they weren't. But now it's no longer only us. This decision will change the lives of our kids as well, one way or the other. Everything will be different once they know the truth and I think we can't avoid that much longer."

"But you don't want anything to change." Her tone of voice made it sound more like a statement than a question. The old Mac – the younger one – would have backed out of his embrace, retreated into herself, not to be hurt again. But this new Mac was ten years wiser and knew that no matter where she stood, the answer she expected wouldn't hurt any less. So she stayed and gazed up into his blue eyes that were half closed to look down at her. And when she finally heard his words it wasn't as bad as she had expected them to be.

"That's not what I said. What I really want is for the children to be happy. And for you to be happy. But I also don't want to loose you again, I don't want it to be like these last years."

"It doesn't have to be that way," she hopefully replied.

Even though Mac tried to be optimistic, the knowledge that what they had just managed to find together could be ripped apart by something they both knew they had to face sooner or later felt like a heavy burden.

"Harm, do you think we can work through this together?"

"I don't know… we had some problems in the past…" He didn't mean to hurt her with the reminiscence, but he still remembered the day that triggered his painful decision and led to these years apart.

_It was bound to happen. He knew it from the way they've been walking on eggshells the last few weeks. They've been far too tranquil towards each other, both trying to avoid any confrontation. Thus they let the other alone at work whenever possible and somehow managed to agree on whatever they discussed in private. It didn't matter who brought it up, the other simply agreed. It seemed to work fine for the both of them. _

_Yet it was only a matter of time until either would erupt. That was just the way they were. Though Harm would have never guessed it would happen on that day and especially not in that place._

_He hadn't seen Mac throughout the day, as an interview had kept him at Norfolk for the most of it. Yet he knew that she expected him at an appointment with her gynecologist. And he truly wanted to be there, however traffic was a bitch and he was running late. So when he finally arrived, he carefully knocked on the door of the room he was told Mac was in. When he didn't get a response, he slowly opened it, not wanting to disrupt something. Save for Mac, there was no one else in the room, so he fully entered it and closed the door behind himself. Mac was already in what could be called the exam-attire. She had put away her clothes some place behind a screen. Today she would have a full examination, not just an ultrasound._

_"Have you gotten started yet?" he asked, settling down in his usual place by her side._

_"No." Mac didn't even look at him. She simply answered in a totally cool voice. Much too cool for his liking._

_"Mac, I'm sorry I'm late," he tried to calm her._

_"Late?" She now turned to face him and Harm met an angry glare. "The appointment was 30 minutes ago, 30 minutes." Her voice was just barely above a murmur, although it sounded even more angry then if she would have yelled._

_"But you haven't started yet. And I'm here now," Harm tried to reason._

_"That's because I let some other woman, who, by the way, had somebody by her side, go first." She turned her head away from him again._

_"Mac—" He wanted to take her hand and tell her that it was going to be okay whatever just went wrong._

_"Don't you touch me! You know, if you don't want to be here, you could have said so."_

_For a few blurred moments Harm didn't know how to answer. He always thought that Mac knew him better than that. That she knew that he would stay by her side._

_"If you want out, just go. I'll get through this alone. I've been alone before, I sure can manage this pregnancy on my own." She was now in a full fight mode and there was no way to reason with her._

_Harm tried nonetheless, he had to. "Mac, these are only your hormones speaking. You can't really mean—"_

_Just then he was interrupted by the doctor. So for the next minutes Harm remained completely immobile on his stool, his eyes fixed on the monitor and his ears strained on the doctor. Because even though Mac seemed to think differently, he was very interested in the baby and the whole pregnancy. He still wanted to reach for Mac's hand, but he didn't dare to._

_When they were done and the doctor left, neither of the two said anything. Harm waited by the door while Mac silently dressed. When she passed him as he opened the door, she didn't even look at him. He walked her to her car._

_"I will see you tomorrow at the office." With that Mac settled into her car and closed the door. She dismissed him for the night with nothing like a good bye. She didn't even wait for a response._

_So Harm was left standing in the street, at a loss of what had happened the better part of the last hour. Something in his mind told him to make sure whether Mac really meant what she said, but he knew better than to face her tonight. He wasn't even sure she would let him in. So he drove home instead._

_Three weeks later he still hadn't asked her about it. And she hadn't mentioned it either. When they were at work she tried to stay away from him as always and when he had come by her place some evening two days later, she acted as if nothing had happened. He wondered if she had already forgotten, and if she had, whether that indicated it hadn't meant anything._

_But no matter how much he tried to forget about the incident, her words still resounded in his head and stung his heart painfully. So now, when he sat in his darkened apartment and strung some accords on his guitar he found himself thinking about Mac again._

_There had been situations like this before, when he wanted to help and she had pushed him away. Situations they had somehow overcome, situations after which they would get together again even though it took quite a while at times. But thinking about them now, with her words so clear, he saw that each time something like this happened, each time either of them walked away they lost something, something that they couldn't get back. So maybe now they had lost too much to ever get back what they had or to get what he had wanted for so long. And now was probably the right time, despite all the current circumstances, to make a final decision. Neither of them would change, but they surely couldn't go on like this._

An awkward silence followed Harm's words. Mac knew they were true – they always had had problems, yet still they were hurting her. But back then they had been younger, immature at points. Hadn't they both grown thanks to the challenge of parenthood? Wasn't there a chance now?

"I think I need to go," Mac finally whispered softly.

Harm wouldn't let her go, he slowly shook his head. Because even though they hadn't managed in the past and he surely didn't know about the future, right now it felt perfect just to hold her in his arms again.

"Harm, it's gotten late. I need to take Aaron to bed."

He slowly let go, remembering the two children lying on the bed. He had totally forgotten about them. No, not totally. If anything had happened to them, he would have been right by their side. "Okay," he whispered back, his hands slowly leaving her waist.

Slowly both adults got close to the bed. For a moment they just stood admiring the kids. Aaron had rolled over onto his back, both his arms spread out to his sides.

Mac softly took Hannah's right arm in her hands, to take it off her son's chest. The girl stirred a bit, but rolled onto her side and continued sleeping. Slowly she lifted the boy off the bed. "Puh, he'd grown a lot since I last carried him."

"You want me to take him downstairs?"

"If you don't mind."

Harm only shook his head. He carefully took the young boy from his mother's arms. Automatically Aaron wrapped his arms around Harm's neck, while he helped the boy to put his legs round his waist to carry the child more easily.

While Mac switched the TV off, Harm checked twice for his keycard, and then they were gone, Hannah and Kenny still fast asleep.

They had made the way down in silence. When Harm crossed the room to get back to the door, they still weren't speaking. Only when Mac lead him out and nearly pulled the door shut behind her, did she break the silence.

"Thank you." Within these two words lay a warmth that revealed that she didn't only mean taking her son to their room.

The only thing Harm could do was to nod his head. He wanted so much to kiss her right now; to show her just how thankful he was for all that had happened today. But he knew it was better not to rush anything. So he only nodded.

Mac slightly leaned into him a short moment before she opened her door and stepped back into the room, a small smile and a tender "goodnight" on her lips.

"Goodnight, Sarah," he whispered still standing in front of her door after she had closed it for the night. The smile had placed itself on his lips after it had crossed hers. His index finger softly ran over his lips, wanting to feel her smile.

When he came back into his room, he checked on Hannah and decided to let her stay in his bed. He carefully pulled a blanket loose from under her and covered his daughter for a good night's sleep. Getting ready for bed himself, he checked on Kenny the last time before lying down. But sleep was no easy thing to come tonight. Though it was already late, various thoughts crossed his mind keeping him from sleeping. And Sarah MacKenzie was the one that stood out bright before his inner eye. More shining and beautiful than she had looked the last time he had seen her ten years ago, but just the way he had seen her all day long.

Mac couldn't find any sleep either. She still felt the warmth of his arms around her. Could picture the exact look of his face when they parted tonight. Oh, how she wished that this would work.

ooooo


	13. A Decision Once Made

Here it is – **finally** – the chapter that will reveal the **secret**, though this is by no means the end of the journey. 

Due to exams (doesn't real life suck?), this chapter isn't beta-ed… hope you don't mind too much.

Oh and _alix_, how did you get into my computer so that you know how this story continues:D

Now enjoy!

* * *

**13 – A Decision Once Made  
**  
The next morning rain still sparkled down occasionally. Even a few snowflakes drifted to earth. And though the previous night's rain had mirrored Harm's emotions perfectly it was totally different now. Bright light had filled his heart when he woke that morning. The last night couldn't wash away any of the feelings he had had the day before when he had held Mac in his arms. 

Harm and his kids were already seated in front of filled plates when Mac and Aaron found their way down into the breakfast room.

"Slept in?" Harm asked, a smile lingering on his lips.

"Something –" or better somebody "– kept me from sleeping 'til early morn'," she answered, her smile matching his.

Mac had thought long about everything. The things she feared to happen, and those she wished to. And in the end, remembering the safety of his embrace she had focused on those more pleasant. She would concentrate on these, and see about everything other afterwards.

The five of them spend the day doing some souvenir shopping, but were driven back into the hotel by heavy rain around midday. The hotel offered some indoor activity for children, that were highly appealing to Hannah, Aaron and Kenny. So much so, that they convinced their parents to let them join in. Resulting from their children's activities Harm and Mac suddenly found themselves alone with nothing to do.

"How about we have some coffee?" Mac asked, nodding her head in the direction of the hotel bar and café.

"Sure, lead the way."

"Mac, what is it? There's something on your mind," Harm questioned after he had Mac watched for a while in silence.

The two of them were seated at the table by the window, overlooking the small garden that lay behind the hotel, facing each other.

"It's nothing, really." She absentmindedly ran her finger over the rim of her cup.

Harm reached out for her hand, stopping her motion. "Come on, I might not have seen you for nearly ten years, but I can still tell when something is bothering you."

Mac looked away, trying to avoid his questioning.

But Harm hooked his index finger under her chin and made her look at him again. Then he said, "Mac, we are friends… you are my best friend… you can tell me."

Some more minutes passed, but at last Mac gave in.

"I know you want to tell the kids, tell them about us, about our past." She shook her head to stop him from interrupting. "But I'm not so sure this is the right time. How can we tell our children about our past, when we can't talk about it? We kind of let our past slip from our consciousness with keeping quiet about it."

"I could never forget our past, Mac," Harm said strongly.

"That's not what I wanted to say," Mac answered getting defensive. "Cause I can't either, but I'm sure there are parts that you push to the far back of your mind, things you'd rather not remember. I sure do that."

This time it was Harm who turned his eyes away. He moved his head so he looked past her and out of the window. Why was it that he suddenly felt guilty?

"Harm?" Mac softly asked. From his reaction she sensed that he felt something alike.

He didn't look at her yet, but replied. "So you want us to talk about everything that went wrong in our past. I don't know if I can do that." Some memories still were painful for him.

"Yeah, I want it. Not now, probably not tomorrow either, but eventually. If we bury these memories, they are bound to come up again at the most inappropriate of times. And they're not gonna hurt any less. I just want us to understand that we _need_ to talk about things." She knew that this was true, that the needed to lay the demons of the past at rest before they could truly think about taking the next step. But she also knew that she wasn't ready to talk about it just yet.

Harm nodded his head. If truth be told he'd rather start afresh, but that was something that was impossible. He however was glad that they wouldn't talk about anything today, because so far the weekend had been better than what he could have hoped for and he didn't want to jeopardize it with unresolved recollections.

Finally he met Mac's eyes again. And in them he saw something more, something that made him feel uneasy.

"There is something else, isn't there?" he asked, slightly afraid of her answer.

For a moment Mac hesitated. She knew very well that the answer to his question might easily rip open old wounds that never quite healed. And only moments before she was sure that they wouldn't talk about it today, because now definitely wasn't the right time for this. But here it was, the opportunity to finally hear the answer to a question that has been haunting her for years.

For a long time Mac debated with herself whether she should nevertheless go there now. All the while Harm sat there, sipping his coffee – that already started to get cold – and watched her, dreading the moment she might answer and at the same time dreading the moment she would not and things would continue how they ended ten years prior – the both of them no longer sure that they could confine in the other.

Finally Mac took a deep breath before she said, "Yes, there is one thing I need to know, need to understand before we make any new decisions."

Harm saw the hurt in her eyes and knew at once what it was that Mac wanted to ask and that they would talk about their past right here and now, no matter what's been said mere minutes ago. This was it; talk about the painful past and figure it out or forget about everything that might have happened in the future. He steeled himself for what he knew would come next.

"Why did you leave these ten years ago, Harm?" The words left her mouth much louder than she intended them to, they clearly spoke of all the anger and hurt his leaving caused.

Harm shut his eyes and was immediately transported back to the night when he sat in his darkened apartment the guitar on his knees, the night when he took the hardest decision of his life.

"Because… because you didn't want me. You didn't need me." Although his words weren't as sharp as hers, they still sounded accusing to her ears.

Mac just stared at him. This was the answer she had suspected all these years, yet still it hurt to hear it being confirmed by him.

"So you're making it my fault?"

For a moment there Harm considered whether he really thought that it was her fault that he left, that he had to start anew somewhere far from her. And yes, if he was totally honest to himself he was blaming her.

"You were the one that said you won't need me to help you through the pregnancy, who didn't want me to be with you." With every word he spoke the hurt that he managed to suppress in the past years came bubbling to the surface and was transported across to Mac, only to meet there with her very own share of anger and despair.

Mac knew pretty well when she had verbalized those words. She clearly remembered the day – and the night that followed. She had felt horrible, had known that what she said was wrong and most of all it was completely opposite from what she felt. Yet it were words she considered spoken in the heat of the moment and recognized as such by him.

"That was weeks before you decided to leave, you can't shove it all onto some things I've said then. And besides, I was driven by hormones. You should have known that you couldn't believe such things, unless _you_ wanted to believe them." She pointed her finger at him. "Did you want to believe?"

"You confirmed that you meant it. There was no misunderstanding there."

Mac's eyes clearly stated that she thought otherwise about it. "Yeah, that's why we're sitting here arguing about it. And even if it wasn't, why didn't you fight me over it – again – if you apparently felt otherwise. Why Harm?" Her eyes locked on his, trying to persuade him.

Harm shook his head, more to escape her piercing gaze than really giving an answer. Why was it that he never fought her about it, neither that night, nor after Paraguay? The only answer was that he wanted to comply to her wishes. But did he really know what she wanted? He wasn't so sure about that anymore.

"You didn't fight me about leaving either," he stated matter-of-factly before he continued, "And it wasn't just that night, it was every of our past actions that hurt either of us. It was everything combined together that made me believe that this wasn't the way for us to go on. I just couldn't stay Mac, I was hurting too much. I now know that this was selfish of me, but –" It was the first time that he admitted it to himself, that as much as it had hurt to leave everything behind he was too afraid that it might hurt even more to stay.

It was when Harm softly explained, that Mac finally got calmer. It was then, that she realized that as much as she wanted it to be his fault alone, she wasn't quite as innocent as she made herself believe all those years.

"I understand Harm. I've pushed you away again. Something I never really intended to do. But when I realized what I did, it was already too late, you were gone. And it hurt too damn much to make the first move."

"In hindsight I shouldn't have left. We could have worked something out, but back then I was scared. Scared that if I stayed the misunderstandings, the hurting would one day be too much and outshine the good memories you and I share," Harm said reaching for Mac's hand.

For a while neither said something. At last both saw that each of them had been at fault, like they had been so many times before.

Mac was the first to speak, "Are you still scared?"

Harm looked at Mac, his intense blue eyes fixed on her and trying to read her, all the while he tried to figure out his own feelings. In the end he nodded. Yes he was scared of what could happen.

"So am I," Mac whispered back squeezing his hand.

"But we can make it, together… now," Harm answered. "Yet for that we have to tell the kids. They need to understand. It would be impossible for us to move on otherwise."

Mac just nodded her head. Yes they would tell the truth and start out new.

ooooo

Mac and Harm had decided to wait until after dinner. But with the time getting nearer, doubts started rising and the uneasiness grew. Both of them got nervous. What were they about to do? Could it do any harm to wait some more time?

"Mum, Harm do you play a game with us?"

The three children were seated round the table, a game between them.

Mac and Harm shared a look. Now or later? When was the right time?

"Yeah, okay." 'Later', they silently agreed.

The game lasted about 80 minutes. 80 minutes were neither Harm nor Mac could concentrate on the task at hand. And naturally so they were the first to loose. Kenny was the next out of the game. And out of the corner of his eye Harm saw his son close his eyes every now and then, but he was fighting hard to be a big boy and stay up as long as his sister was.

Harm forced a yarn before he addressed the table, "I'm quite tired, do you mind if I go to bed?"

Aaron and Hannah only shook their heads and proceeded with their game. And Mac simply gave her okay as well, understanding his intentions.

"Hey sport, do you care to join me?" He reached for Kenny's hand.

And the little boy followed suit. If his father was going to sleep, so could he. His dad was even bigger than Hannah.

Twenty minutes later Harm came back out joining the rest at the table.

"You got him to sleep?" Mac asked.

"Yeah right away. I wonder how long he would have stayed here though."

Hannah and Aaron had finished, her winning, the game when she said, "That wasn't fair. You weren't tired, were you?"

"No, but he was. He was only trying to be no baby. So I showed him there's no problem in going to bed early."

"Did you pull that trick with me in the past?" Hannah wanted to know.

"Several times."

"Daad!"

ooooo

Aaron closed the box he had put the game into with a thud. A sound that brought everybody back into reality. "What do we do now?" he asked.

"May we watch TV?"

Harm and Mac shared a glance before she spoke, "We like to tell you something first."

Both children focused their eyes on the adults, curious what was there to come.

A moment of silence passed. Just how to start this?

"What is it?" Hannah asked impatiently.

Harm started. "It's something about me and Mac and our past."

"You've know each other before Thanksgiving," Aaron guessed.

"How do you know?"

"You acted strange at the airport. You never cried with a stranger present before."

"Okay, I see your point. And yes, Harm and I knew each other. We've worked together in the past. But that is not what we wanted to tell you."

"You're in love?" This time it was Hannah voicing her thoughts.

Both Harm and Mac had to swallow hard at this and neither could think of anything to answer.

"Come on dad. I've seen you with other women; you never looked at them the way you look at Mac. I do see things." A grin spread over the girl's face but was lost to both adults as they were to engrossed in each other.

"You look at me differently?"

"How couldn't I? You're so different than all the other women I knew." He reached over to take her hand into his.

Mac shot him a small smile, for a moment forgetting what they were talking about.

"Hey, what is it now?"

Harm and Mac had to turn back to their children, immediately drawn back into the spin.

"Okay, as I said before, it's something about the past. Actually about ten years back. Probably even more."

"Because it all started the day AJ was born."

"Who is AJ?" Hannah asked completely out of the loop.

"AJ Roberts?" Aaron wanted to know.

"Yes AJ Roberts. AJ is my… our godson."

"AJ is Jimmy's brother," Aaron told Hannah when he saw her still looking confused.

"I see, but what happened back then?"

"Harm and I made a deal. We promised something."

"We promised each other to have a child together, if certain circumstances would come true."

"So?"

"So, the circumstance came true and we did." They wouldn't talk about all the things that happened in between. There was no need for Hannah and Aaron to know.

"You did have a child together?" That sounded so strange. Hannah never knew her father to have another child.

"Yes we had, and not only one, but two."

"So you're trying to tell us that you have two children together. And all that happened ten years back?"

"Wait, ten years? But that means that I'm your –" Hannah had done the math.

The grip of Harms hand had gotten stronger over the past few minutes and Mac only added another squeeze to it.

"Yes that means that you are my daughter. And as Aaron is the same age as you, means that you are twins." Mac held her breath at what was there to come.

"No way," Aaron was shaking his head rapidly.

"When's your birthday?" Hannah needed to be sure.

"January 7th twenty-oh-five."

It had to be true then. Hannah starred blankly at her best friend, her brother. Then her eyes wandered to Mac. All those years she had thought she'd had no mother, and now there she was, sitting right in front of her.

Aaron had grown silent. He had to think it over. From one minute to the next, he had a father along with a sister and a brother.

"Why?" Hannah finally managed to say.

"Why we promised to have a child together?"

"No, why did you break up? Was it because you didn't love us?" Hannah was totally focused on her mother. A mother she hadn't had the chance to know when she was little.

Harm reached out for his daughter, wanted to comfort her, but she wiped his hand off. He had lied to her, had kept a secret she had a right to know. What if she'd never met Aaron in summer camp, would he have ever told her?

"Don't ever think that." Mac had expected that to come, but that wasn't making it any easier. "It was because of the situation me and Harm were in back then. It had nothing to do with you. We even thought it to be the best for the two of you."

_They hadn't thought much about the future, at least they hadn't talked about it. Until one evening after dinner it was Harm who started. _

_"Mac I've been thinking about us."_

_'I haven't. I've thought about the babies. But not about us, feared to do so. Maybe I hoped we'll just see what happens, things might work out.' Mac thought, all the while trying to mask her surprise._

_"Mac, what are we going to do when the twins are born? You realize things aren't the best way between us, don't you?"_

_'Aren't the best is quite an understatement, things have never been worse so far,' her mind said while her lips formed something else. "Sure, but we'll overcome this. We've overcome things in the past." When she was true to herself that's how she hoped it would be, but wasn't seeing it yet._

_"We did. But this time it's different." So it wasn't just her seeing hard times to come. "We keep digging into old wounds. And each time we do so, they get bigger and deeper and maybe this time they are far too deep to heal." He knew he had done things the wrong way, but so had she._

_"Harm our friendship's strong. These babies are proof of that." Her hand now lay on her belly. "Yes it may take some time, but in the end we'll make it work. It will take efforts on both sides though."_

_"Time's what we haven't got when the babies will be born. They will need all of our attention we won't have time to rebuild our friendship. And I don't see it to be done under the pressure of parenthood."_

_"So you see this as a pressure. Why did you go through our deal in the first place then?"_

_"Mac, that's not what I've said. But that's proving my point. Even with the babies not born yet, it's their shoulders our fight is build on. I don't want them to grow up like this."_

_"If we try, we may work this out before they are born?"_

_"Perhaps we can. But what about next time?"_

_"Next?"_

_"Come on Mac, you know there are things we struggle about everywhere. There had been in the past, and there will be in the future. I don't know just how much more each of us can stand."_

_"So what do you propose?"_

_"How about we call this an end rather than a beginning. We probably need to be apart as we obviously can't get together."_

_"We're going to parent twins together. Just how much together do you want? Don't you think these kids –" she pulled his hand over to put it on her stomach as well, "these kids will get us close?"_

_"That's what I fear. Us only staying together because of them. That's not fair, neither for us, nor for them."_

_Mac just sat there in silence. So what's he trying to say? Does he really want to leave her behind? Maybe he does, but the kids, she had always seen him to be a responsible person and a caring father._

_"Mac?" He touched her hand slightly, was she still listening? "I hate to say this." So he was backing out. "What if we both take one child each and go our separate ways. I know this will be hard. Hard for us as well as for the kids when they grow older. But this way they get a chance for a carefree childhood."_

_"So you don't see us to be the best parents to our children?"_

_"I do see you as the best mother there could be and I am sure about me trying everything to be a good father. But I don't see us being the best parents when we're together."_

_"So you once again run, for fear of the future. Rather separate your kids, keep me and you from one of them, than face the unknown."_

_"It's just what you said. We wouldn't work together, each wanting to be on top."_

_"That was different."_

_"No it wasn't. You were right. And I'm not running. I only think about what might be the best for our children. Just think about it." He stood and headed for the door. "Think about your own childhood." Then he left for the night._

_Mac just sat there still trying to sort through everything he had just said. Her hand was still resting on her swollen belly. 'So it's up to me to decide your future. Sure I hated it when my father yelled at my mother but I hated it even more when she left. But wasn't that because she left me behind and not because of the act itself? What if one of you never knew me in the first place, would you hate me for leaving?'_

_She thought about the many things that had threatened her friendship with Harm. And each time it had been harder to get back to an easy handling, not to speak of a deep friendship. The last time it didn't even got back to the way it had been at the beginning before the next blast. And this time they hadn't even started on working on it and Paraguay and the CIA mess that followed, were already months ago. He was right, probably they had hurt each other way too deep to start anew. And with the kids around there was much more to take into account. Next time it may as well be the kids they were hurting._

Mac looked from her daughter to her brother. Aaron was still lost in shock, he hadn't moved as much as a lid since he heard. But then suddenly, he stood and ran for the door and out of the room. With a surprised glance at Harm Mac was on her way to follow him. She needed to explain it, make him understand.

So Harm was left with his daughter. As Hannah still stared at the place Mac had sat seconds prior and he was aware of her momentary resentment against him, he stood and walked over to close the door. He desperately hoped that they didn't destroy everything by telling them. That they would overcome their momentary feelings and understand it eventually.

ooooo

He had to get away. Away from his mother and the man who claimed to be his father. When Harm had still been Hannah's, his best friend Hannah's father, Aaron had come to like him. But now, now that he knew, hating him was putting it more correctly. He couldn't be that great a guy when he had never cared about him, could he? When he was little he had always dreamt about having a father. He had envied Jimmy and AJ for having a dad they could do things with. Occasionally his uncle Clay had been there, or Bud would take him. But in the end they weren't his dad. But now that he knew, he was wishing for being with either one than being with Harm. Those two men at least had cared for him.

He had run blindly from the room, no matter where to go. But in the end Aaron found himself in front of the closed door to room 204, his room and his mother's. Tears were running down his cheeks. Why had she never told him that he still had a dad, even if he was all across the country? He would have accepted it, he wouldn't have felt so alone. But she wasn't to blame. She had always been there. It had been her that had gone to the park with him, been with him when he'd broken an arm when he was six. Had been there at all his birthdays. She was his mum.

Mac had gone to their room first, hoping she was lucky to find him there. And when she saw her son leaned against the door, his knees pulled up to his chin and eyes already red from crying her heart broke. Just what had they done? How could they have been so cruel? Slowly she approached the sobbing child. She knelt down, enclosed her son in her arms, tried to comfort him although she knew there was no way to do so right now.

When he felt his mother's arms around him Aaron relaxed a little and leaned into her embrace. No she wasn't to blame.

As the sobs had lessened Mac stood back up to open the door and get into the room. The tears on his face had dried when he walked into the hotel room behind her, but the rage was still swelling up.

Mac sat down on her bed, clapping the place beside her for him to come over. They had to talk about several things this night.

ooooo

When he'd closed the door Harm leaned against it, eying his daughter from the distance. Obviously she blamed him for never having met her mother or even knowing about her. And in the end she was right. It had been his suggestion to split in the first place. But hadn't he done it for her sake, partly at least, for her not growing into the always present tension between him and Mac? Clearly she didn't think so.

Hannah wasn't thinking at all. Still her mother's words resounded loudly in her head. _"Yes that means that you are my daughter. And as Aaron is the same age as you, means that you are twins."_ And she hadn't fully understood them yet. Finally she got up and walked towards the adjoining room.

"I'm going to bed," was all she said before closing the door behind her.

Harm only nodded. At least she was talking to him. Slowly he approached the door she had just closed, unsure whether he should go in and check on her or not. It felt odd to go to bed without telling her good night. But it would be best to stay in his room he guessed, let her think about it. Maybe tomorrow they would talk.

ooooo

Hannah had checked on Kenny when she entered the room. Her brother, her only brother so far, was fast asleep. What would she give to be in his place right now. Nothing had changed for him. Right now she would love not knowing about her mother, though in the past she had longed to. She had even asked her granny whether she knew her mother. But Trish had only said she should ask her dad about it. And he had never answered any question, only put the topic aside, telling her he doesn't like talking about her. In the end Hannah had accepted that and stopped asking.

Lying in her bed Hannah wasn't able to get any sleep. Too many thoughts were crossing her mind. What would happen now? Was she ever to see her mother again, or would all of them just go back to their everyday life? This wouldn't happen, would it? Their parents wouldn't have told them if they wanted things to be like before. She liked Mac, and, as she had stated before, she was sure that her dad loved her. But why part then? Hadn't they loved each other when both she and Aaron had been born? Had they been the reason? She knew Mac had told her no, but what if she lied for not adding even more to the amount of news they'd lain onto their children's shoulders? And what about Aaron, he was her brother. Was that why they had become friends so fast? Does it matter whether they were siblings? Couldn't they be friends and siblings? Or was he thinking about not being her friend anymore after all of this? She didn't want to loose him. He didn't seem to like her dad, his dad, very much. But she couldn't hold that against him. But why didn't she hate Mac then? She just felt completely betrayed by both her father and Mac.

About two hours had gone by during which she had shoved around the thoughts in her head, but hadn't come to any conclusions at all. So she tiptoed out of the room softly. She needed to talk to her dad.

"Dad?" she whispered when she reached his bedside.

Harm hadn't found any sleep either. Thoughts about his daughter took turns with those about Mac and Aaron. He wondered what they were doing. So now when Hannah was silently approaching him, he sat up immediately.

"Han."

She was glad he was awake. "Can we talk?"

He nodded his head and moved to the side for her to get into the bed next to him.

When his daughter had settled in next to him Harm had to pose the first question.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm trying."

He softly squeezed her hand for a response.

"Dad, would you have ever told me, if I hadn't met Aaron in summer camp?"

"Maybe one day. But I'm honestly not sure. Though I guess you've had a right to know."

"What will happen, now that you spilled the story? Is anything going to change?"

"I hope so. I want you to get to know your mother. And I want to know about Aaron. But it will take time. Most probably lots of time. And we have to see what the two of you want. That's why we told you. Not to force you to do anything you won't like."

"What if either me or Aaron wouldn't want anything to change?"

"Will you?" He eyed his daughter closely.

"No. But maybe Aaron does. He doesn't seem to like you much."

"We'll see about it. So you want to see things changed?" Gladness rose in his heart. Maybe there was a way out of all of this.

"Yes." It came a bit slowly, but she meant it nonetheless. "But I don't want my friendship with Aaron to change. He's the best friend I've ever had. Do you think we can stay friends?"

"I know how you feel. I've lost my best friend a long time ago and only now is there hope that I can get her back. And I don't want that to happen to you. I truly wish this doesn't affect your friendship much, believe me." He softly put his arm around her, glad that she let him do so.

"Does Granny know that I still have a mother?"

"I'm not sure, but yes she probably knows."

_He'd been in California for two months already. April was offering a warm Saturday when few people gathered at a San Diego church. Harm had chosen this day to get his daughter baptized. The invited guests were only filling up the first row of benches while he and his parents stood around the font. Two months with a newborn didn't give you much time for finding new friends, and old ones couldn't be included for obvious reasons. _

_He had asked his mother to act as godmother for her grandchild. And she had loved to fill the place. So right now she was holding the little head over the rim of the font while the priest spoke the traditional words, "So in the name of the Lord you are christened Hannah Mackenzie Rabb. Be blessed." A small cascade ran down the head covered with soft brown hair. Hannah didn't seem to mind the water, she was still smiling at all the people around her. She was such a lovely child._

_When Trish heard her granddaughter's middle name her eyes rose to look at her son. He seemed to be lost in thought. Probably being at a place much closer to the baby's mother._

_She'd certainly known from that day on, but since Harm was never talking about anything that related to Sarah MacKenzie being Hannah's mother she hadn't said anything, not even to Frank._

"So it hadn't been a coincidence at all," Hannah stated, remembering something and bringing Harm back out of his reverie.

"What?"

"When we checked into this place, I heard Mac" she couldn't say 'mum' yet, "order a room for MacKenzie. I just found it funny. But as she's my mother, it's only logical."

"That's what I thought."

"Can I sleep here tonight?" Hannah asked when finally her eyes threatened to close.

"Sure." He pulled back his arm for her to slide down under the covers.

Harm lay awake for a while longer, just watching her steady breathing. He was glad that Hannah seemed to take the news that well. He only hoped that Aaron wasn't making many problems either.

* * *

On a 'slightly' different note: Is there anybody out there, who has seen the movie "Jarhead – Welcome in the Suck" _and_ read the book (the original one that was released before the movie)? I would like to know whether the movie is as good as the book, so I won't be disappointed by the film, if I decide to watch it. 


	14. Working Out The Impact

A/N: I know that this chapter is really short and it still took me ages to post it. But your reviews for the last chapter got me (and my beta for that matter) thinking. I found it incredibly hard to add some of the things you mentioned. Yet here it is and I hope you can live with that and it does Mac some justice.

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14 – Working Out The Impact

Mac lay in her bed, her eyes strained on the window behind which she could see the lights of Chicago. She couldn't sleep – again. Only this time the thinking that kept her awake, though it followed the same chain of thoughts as that of the previous night, was different, more bothersome. While she had been able to settle for the pleasant thoughts the night before, her mind now focused on the bad decisions she'd made in life, at least as far as it concerned Harm and her together. And it all culminated in the ever so wrong decision to separate their children. Both her and Harm might have thought it to be for the best, but now that she saw herself face to face with the consequences and their children's reaction that definitely wasn't the case. Yet still, they all would have to cope with things. One way or another, they all would need to adjust. The only question was, in what way they would adapt.

Her eyes slipped from the window and settled on the bed next to hers. They roamed over the sleeping form of Aaron, her eyes barely making out the outlines of the child.

Mac suppressed a sigh that wanted to escape her lungs when she remembered how she found her little boy sitting outside the door, crying. As she lay there, on her side, and listened to the even breathes of her son, Mac thought about the previous hour. An hour she had spent with Aaron by her side, trying to explain to him just why he never knew about his father.

It hurt her, now that she realized that the boy of nine, nearly ten, has always believed that his father didn't care about him. She wasn't sure that her explanations, which were enough ten years ago but now were insufficient at best, had done anything to devoid him of that thought.

Mac rolled onto her back, closing her eyes. Yet there were a lot of questions she couldn't get rid of. Would the new situation destroy the happy childhood her son had up to now? Was there anything she could do to help him deal with it? Would he even accept any help from her?

And what would happen after that? Was there a real chance for her and Harm? Could she even think or wish about it when her own son wasn't happy with it? Yet could she stand the fact to not know about her daughter now that she met her? Everything was easier when she hadn't known Hannah. True, she never forgot the newborn girl she held in her arms next to her Aaron, but it was different. It was the past, a memory from a time she knew was long gone and would never return. But she'd spent three days with the girl and had come to know her at least a little. It was so much harder to let go of her now.

Mac's mind conjured pictures of the weekend. How the kids had laughed together. How the five of them had settled so easily into a routine as if they'd known each other for all the years they missed. Everything was fine before Harm and she decided to tell their children the truth. She wondered whether there was a chance that the future held anything in store for them that was even close to what she'd experienced since Thanksgiving.

Her thoughts wandered to Harm. Mac was amazed of how fast they had fallen back into the familiarity of their friendship. All these little details she missed throughout the last years were back again. The laughter they shared, the silent conversations and the little touches that seemed so natural.

Thinking about Harm made her see all the small things that changed about him. He was more open with his feelings now. She doubted that he would have told her ten years back that he was scared to see her or that he didn't know what he would do. He also clearly stated what it was that he wanted, something that she never was sure about in the past. And probably the one thing that had led to their separation – neither of them being able to really follow through with what they wanted the most.

It was then that Mac realized how great Harm was during the weekend and especially through their talk the night before, when he'd asked her to give their future a try, no matter what happened in the past. She as well understood – she knew it back then already, but always tried to ignore it – that the attitude she had before he made the decision to leave, had driven him away, had made a relationship with her seem impossible for him. Therefore she needed to apologize because she was wrong for pushing him away and for not arguing when he told her about his decision. If she didn't, she didn't think they would have a real chance in the future.

With her mind set that she would talk to Harm before they parted, exhaustion took over and let Mac finally drift off to sleep.

ooooo

The atmosphere at the breakfast table the next morning couldn't be compared to the playful manner that had opened yesterday's meal. An awkward silence enclosed the four people for whom life had taken a sharp turn the previous night.

Though Hannah had seemed to be relative understandable when hearing the news, she was quiet when she woke up. And she got even quieter and somewhat shy when she saw Mac sitting at their table. She was still insecure about the way she felt towards her.

Aaron on the other hand wasn't that undecided; he shot Harm a hostile glance when he approached the table.

"Hi Aaron, hi Mac." Kenny was the only one being his normal self, but for him yesterday's night hadn't held any surprises and he didn't know so far that his life might change.

"Mornin'," Mac offered him a soft smile.

After breakfast the three kids gladly took part in the children's activities of the hotel again, especially since neither Hannah nor Aaron seemed to be in the mood to spend more time than necessary with their newfound parents. That left Harm and Mac to pack their belongings. While doing so, Mac thought about the decision she made in the night. What was she going to say?

So now Harm and Mac sat in the lobby, their packed bags standing at their feet, passing away the last minutes before they would need to head for the airport. Both were silent, which seemed odd considered the fact that there were still so many open questions. But Mac still didn't know how to start and Harm wasn't sure about how to make their departure any easier for her, for him.

Finally it was Harm who started, "Did Aaron say anything last night?" It sure wasn't a question to light the mood, but it was what bothered Harm most of all. How was his son coping with the information?

"He didn't say much." Mac hesitated before she continued. "Just that he believes that you don't care about him."

She literally saw his face fall before he spoke. "But I do, I never forgot him and I always wondered how he was doing. And I don't know how often I was close to calling you or Harriet to ask about him."

"I know that Harm. And I'm sure Aaron will understand in time," Mac tried to convince him just as much as she sought to convince herself. She then braved herself for her next question. "What about Hannah, does she understand?"

"I'm not sure, and I definitely don't know why or how, but she seems to deal with it a little better. Though she still struggles through her feelings I guess," Harm offered with a slight smile.

Reassured by his answer, Mac took his hand and chanced her next question, "How do you feel about all this?"

Harm looked down at their joined hands, something he had missed for the last ten years.

"I despise hurting both Hannah and Aaron that much. I hate having to let you go again. This weekend felt so right. It was wonderful to have you back in my arms."

Though Mac knew that Harm was more open about his feelings, she still was surprised about his revelation. And it was the cue for her to finally say what she wanted to tell him the whole morning.

"I know how you feel. I don't want to let you go either. But for this to even have the chance to work out, I need to apologize." She raised her finger to stop Harm from interrupting. "I'm sorry for the way I acted previous to your leaving. I don't have any excuses and they won't change anything, I know that. However, I want you to know that I regret what I did back then."

Mac captured his gaze with hers. And Harm just gave a silent nod in response. He accepted her apology.

"So I don't need to worry whether we're going to see each other again?" Harm asked with a playful smile, trying to cover his fears.

"No, you don't," Mac replied, although she know that if Aaron wasn't willing to accept his father, it might be a hard thing to achieve. But this moment was about her and Harm and for the two of them she needed to believe that they would meet again and that things would somehow turn out alright.

ooooo

When they arrived at the gate of the plane back to Washington, there were only about 30 minutes left for Mac and Aaron to get their flight. So it was time for goodbye.

"Aaron, say your goodbyes, would you," Mac asked when she saw that her flight was already boarding.

"Bye Hannah." They had hugged shortly, nothing compared to the time they first met at this place. But still they were friends, or so he hoped.

He waved his hand at Kenny, before he turned to face down the corridor. He wasn't about to say goodbye to Harm.

Mac watched him closely and also saw Harm's reaction to the behavior of his son.

"Sorry," she mouthed.

"It's okay. I should have expected something like that."

So now it was time for her to say goodbye. Would she get the same reaction out of Hannah? So she first stuck her hand out to Kenny, who took and shook it rapidly. Inhaling deeply she turned to face her daughter, preparing for her reaction.

And Hannah only let her worry a few seconds before she took her mother's hand and softly whispered, "I'd like to see you again."

A smile grew on Mac's face. "And so would I. I'm glad to have finally met you."

Hannah nodded before she softly pulled her hand free.

Harm pulled her into an embrace when Mac faced him.

"I loved spending these days with you. As difficult as these last hours were, I've enjoyed the rest of the weekend." His lips were close to her ear, whispering the words into it.

"Let's not lose it again. I want to get to know my daughter. And I want to get to know you." Her lips softly brushed against his cheek, before she stepped out of his embrace.

"I promise," he said when she turned for heading after her son.

Mac only smiled, she knew she could rely on that.

ooooo

Early December had quickly passed without anybody even noticing. There were so many other things to take care of. Things like Kenny getting a really strong flu which kept him in bed for almost two weeks. And Aaron had been so engaged in a school play that would premiere in six days, that he hadn't much time to think about his father or tell any of his friends about the Chicago weekend at all.

As the rising amount of decorations and Santa Clauses all over town indicated, Christmas was approaching fast. Time to make plans on how to spend the holidays.

"Hi Mac. How are things on the East Coast?"

"Hello Harm. Pretty hectic I'd say." She'd just rushed home to be there in time to bring her son to today's rehearsal.

"Bad time for a call?"

"No it's okay, I like talking to you."

Over the last month they had talked several times. It was their reminder that they would meet, that they wouldn't lose touch again. And it was a reassurance that the other still felt the same way about it.

Harm heard her call for her son, his son, before she was back on the line.

"How is Aaron doing?" It was the same question every time he called. Harm wanted to know whether the boy was still mad at him.

"He won't tell me," Mac replied like always. She had decided on their flight home from Chicago that she wasn't going to push Aaron about it. If he wasn't willing to talk about his father, she wasn't going to bring it up. Yet she didn't keep the frequent calls between California and Virginia secret either. She'd had secrets for too long already. "We haven't talked much about Thanksgiving at all."

"You haven't?"

"Not since the night at the hotel. You did with Hannah?"

"Sort of." He hesitated a moment before adding, "No, actually we didn't." He wasn't going to lie to her.

The only time Thanksgiving had come up, had been the weekend thereafter when Trish had asked her grandchildren about Chicago and was pleased that Harm had finally told his daughter about her mother. Though she was in total shock when she'd learned that she had another grandson. She was still trying to understand why he'd never told her.

"Harm?" He must have missed Mac's last statement when he was recalling the weekend.

"Sorry, what did you just say?"

"I was asking why you called." 'Not that I need a special reason being able to talk to you again.' By now both Mac and Aaron had left the house and gotten in the car.

"Oh yes. I wanna ask about your plans for Christmas."

"Nothing yet, apart from our traditional dinner with our friends."

"I see. I wondered if we could meet again. See if we can get along. I'd love to spend time with Aaron. But if you got other plans I understand."

"Same here. I need to get to know my daughter. So how about you and the kids come to join us here?"

"You and Aaron okay with that?" He knew Hannah would love to see Mac and Aaron again. And Kenny would surely be overpowered by the prospect of snow in Virginia.

"Wait a moment." Mac lifted her eyes to the rearview mirror to look at her son sitting behind her, as they had already made their way towards school.

"He thinks he can handle you being here," she finally answered while still eying her son to verify if he had spoken the truth. She wouldn't like to see him unhappy, especially not during Christmas.

"So I guess I should book us a flight then."

"I'm looking forward to all of you being here. And I think there would be several more if only they knew."

"Right. We need to tell them, don't we?"

"Most probably." She wasn't looking forward to this.

"So I'll call with arriving hours." A loud horn could be heard from Mac's end of the line. "Where are you anyway?"

"Driving Aaron to his school play rehearsal."

"You know, I truly hope you're using a hands free set to call from a driving car, Mac." There was just a slight hint of teasing in his voice. He was worried about Mac concentrating enough on the traffic while talking to him.

Mac rolled her eyes, although he couldn't see it. "No worries there, Harm. Everything's under control," she replied in an amused tone, smiling about the way he cared.

"I still think I better hang up. Oh, and wish Aaron good luck from me."

"Will do. So until our next call."

"Bye."


	15. Coming Back Home

I'm aware that I really tried your patience lately and I'm thankful for everybody who still reads this story of mine. I'd honestly like to promise that it won't be that long before the next chapter, but I can't. One thing I can say though, I will definitely finish this story. It's all written, just needs some (more than I actually thought) work.

And now praise where praise is due. Since the forth or fifth chapter of this story I have a wonderful beta reader and friend - _papillon__ ephemere_. And while she always helps out with bits and pieces, the one she added to this chapter is worth extra mentioning cause it changed an unclear paragraph into perfect words.  
_"Saying these words hurt, but Harm understood that he couldn't rush the boy. If Aaron wouldn't accept him as his parent, then so be it. Being considered a friend by his son was a thousand times better than being considered an enemy and a million times better than not knowing his child at all."_

Now here you go. Enjoy!

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**15 – Coming Back Home  
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Harm had booked tickets for a flight on the December 22nd and Mac had agreed to meet the three of them at the airport. But due to heavy snowfall in the whole Washington area all flights were delayed. So she and Aaron were once again forced to wait in an airport arrival hall, though this time Mac wasn't half as nervous as she had been a month prior. This time she was concerned about how things would work out between her and Hannah, but most of all between Aaron and Harm. During the weeks that had passed since Thanksgiving she had talked to Hannah a few times, a thing the two males never did. So neither she nor Harm had a clue as to how Aaron would react once he was face to face with his father again. Right now he was silently waiting by her side, lost in his own thoughts it seemed.

Aaron wasn't sure how he should feel about the week that lay ahead of him. True, he looked forward to seeing Hannah again; she still was a good friend. But seeing Hannah would mean seeing Harm, his father. And having a father was still a thing he hadn't quite adjusted to. He had been fine without a father so far, so why should he need one now?

The arrival of the flight from San Diego was announced over the loudspeakers and Mac and Aaron headed for the gate. They didn't need to wait much longer, for this time the Rabbs were among the first to leave the plane. The hellos were kept brief because Kenny was eager to head out into the snow and thus kept pulling at his father's hand to finally get the group going.

"Oh my god, you still own that car?" Harm was surprised to see his old Lexus standing in the parking lot.

"I know it's old, but it still works."

'And it kept reminding me of you.' Mac added in her head. At the beginning it had hurt her to think about him every time she drove his car, but it had been convenient for child transport so she continued to use it. And with the time passing she somehow felt secure in this remainder of the post. Mac never got herself to sell it.

She smiled weakly at Harm as she opened the trunk for him to put his three big bags in. It was strange how many things she had kept that remaindered her of him and how it had made her feel good even though her head had tried to convince her heart that she better forget about him. Yet she never managed.

"What do you have in all these bags? You don't plan on staying for a month, are you?" Although this was supposed to sound humorous, Mac didn't quite succeed in keeping the nervousness out of her voice. Was he planning on staying longer than New Years Day? Was she ready for him to be completely back in her life? She wasn't sure.

"No, that's what you need for a week with Hannah and Kenny. And this one's from Santa." He had leaned towards Mac for the last sentence even though the three kids were some way off and enjoying the snow. "Would you mind keeping it for me 'til Christmas?"

"Not a problem, I know quite the place to hide it," Mac answered while she shut the door and turned to walk for the driver's door.

"We are leaving, guys," Harm called their children.

Chatting flowed easily on their way to the hotel. Both Harm and Mac had agreed that it was best for Harm and the kids to stay at a hotel. Mac was concerned that them staying at her house would be too much pressure on Aaron. This way he had at least a place he could retreat to. Moreover Harm had said that he would feel like an intruder if he moved into her place right away, even if it was only for a week. And to tell the truth, Mac was slightly relieved about Harm's decision to stay at a hotel. She was still unsure of the status of their relationship and felt better not to push things. So the Rabbs checked into a hotel near Mac and Aaron's home.

Arriving at the place Harm asked, "You want to come up?"

Mac turned around to ask her son when she caught Hannah's glance that clearly said "Why did you even need to ask?". Aaron slowly nodded his head, as long as his mother was there he figured it was okay and he could deal with it.

Thus Mac finally answered: "Sure we do."

After everybody had inspected the room they were unsure what to do next as there was still some time left before dinner.

It was Kenny who gave them an idea. The boy sat at the large window and watched the falling snowflakes. "Daddy, can we play in the snow?"

Mac and Harm shared a quick glance. "Why not."

So all of them grabbed their coats and headed back outside.

As soon as Aaron was out of the hotel, he snatched a handful of snow and threw it at his sister, who didn't manage to duck fast enough and responded with a shriek. But not a minute passed before she hurried after her brother; snow in her hand as well.

Mac watched her children chase each other. While they played like this together it seemed as if they'd never been apart . She watched as Aaron avoided a snowball from his sister. And she listened to the laughter of her two children, laughter that sounded so much alike.

In the past Mac had always wondered what her daughter would be like – if she would be anything like her twin brother or completely different. While she had seen her son grow into his father's looks immensely – if it wasn't for Aaron's brown eyes, everybody would have figured out who his father was – she had wished for her daughter to be like her. Although she didn't see the prospect of ever seeing her little girl, it felt good to picture Hannah looking like her. It was as if a part of herself was still with Harm where it belonged.

But looking at her now revealed so much more. Hannah might be looking like her, with her brown eyes and the dark brown hair – Mac saw so much of her younger self in the child – but her character was Harm through and through. You could easily tell from the way she cared about her brother or how she tried to deal with all that happened since Thanksgiving. And part of her envied Harm for reaching this, for raising their daughter to the person she was.

Harm too stood near the entrance and watched his two children chase each other. It felt good to hear Aaron laugh. He would give everything to never live without this laughter again. He had loved Aaron from the moment he was laid into his arms – how could he not. Before he met him in Chicago Harm had feared that he couldn't relate to his son, that all these years where he had grown had formed him into someone he had not connection to, something that would have only be natural. But when he first saw him and got to know his son, he immediately felt what he had felt all these years back in the hospital. And it wasn't only because he looked like him, but from the way he was, from the way Mac had raised him. Harm had always known that Mac would be a great mother and Aaron was proof of that.

While Harm and Mac were lost in their thoughts, Kenny had other reasons to follow the game of the older children. He had never fought a snowball game before. He still stood quietly by his father's side and holding his hand when he was hit by a snowball Aaron managed to duck from. The cold and the dampness on his face caught him by surprise and he started to cry. Harm and Mac knelt down at either of his sides immediately to wipe away the water now running down his face, but the little boy didn't stop sobbing.

"Hey sport, it's only water. It will dry," Harm tried to comfort his six-year-old.

Mac took a handful of snow and showed it to Kenny. "See, it doesn't do any harm," she said just before she shoved the snow into Harm's face.

"Wahh…" Harm fell backwards taken by surprise. He remained seated on the ground, trying to get the snow out of his eyes.

As Mac began to chuckle from the way Harm looked, sitting in the snow and his face all wet, Kenny stopped crying and looked closely at his father. Finally as Harm was getting up again Kenny was smiling.

With an evil grin on his face Harm leaned closer to Kenny and whispered, "This calls for revenge" just loud enough for Mac to hear as well. "Will you help me, sport?"

Mac preferred to get up and build a defense somewhere, but her laughter never died.

So Harm helped Kenny form some snowballs and let him throw them. And the first was already a direct hit. The snowball met Mac's body right at the middle of her stomach. In no time a hot fight had developed where everybody was aiming at everybody. Even Kenny started to throw snow at his father. It was so much fun that Harm and Mac felt like they were kids again. For the time being they enjoyed letting go of their worries completely. When at one time they fell into the snow on top of each other, it was taken with a childish easiness while at other times it might have made them feel awkward. Neither of them was too eager to get back up. When Hannah and Aaron saw their parents lying in the snow they took their chance and aimed at their parents. Both unloaded a huge amount of snow onto the adults before throwing themselves on top of the pile. As soon as Harm felt the added weight of them, a loud hiss of breath escaped his lungs, but the smile on his lips was still in place. Emotionally this felt far too good to end it now. But when Kenny, who didn't want to be left out, added his weight too, it wasn't long before Harm needed to give up.

"Mercy. Have mercy on an old man," Harm laughed, trying to shake off his family.

"That's the moment I've been waiting for. Harmon Rabb Junior admitting that he's old and can't take any more," Mac teased although she too grew tired of the weight on her back.

Slowly one after the other the children slipped down from the pile. Mac wanted to follow them, but Harm held her in place for a moment longer.

"I liked it, a lot," he whispered before he let go of her.

"So did I." A sweet smile graced her lips when Mac stood up and held out her hand to help him up.

Looking around Mac saw Kenny shivering slightly. "I think we should get back inside, it's getting kind of cold."

ooooo

"Han, go change your clothes," Harm told his daughter when they were back in their room. Meanwhile he headed for the bags to find Kenny some dry outfit as well.

"Bad thing I haven't thought of bringing something dry for us. My pullover is soaking wet. But who could have known that some crazy sailor would unload amounts of snow into it."

"It was you who started it. And I haven't forgotten Chicago yet," Harm replied while he handed his son some jeans. "But as I'm always a gentleman, here you go." He reached into the bag for a second time and tossed her the sweatshirt he produced.

As Mac turned to follow Hannah into the neighboring room she became aware of her son that stood behind her, still in his wet trousers.

"Aaron, get out of your pants or you'll catch a cold."

"Mum, I don't have anything to change into," the boy grumbled.

Mac turned back around and looked at Harm seeking help.

"Afraid I can't be of help there. I guess Hannah's things won't fit you." Because even though both twins were the same height, the girl was slimmer built.

"Did you bring some sweat pants, Harm?" Mac asked.

"Sure." Harm just shrugged his shoulders. His pants sure were much too big for the child.

"They would do for now."

So Harm searched for his sweat pants as well and handed them over to his son.

After a while all three of the males had changed and were assembled on the bed. Aaron nearly could wrap himself into his father's trousers – the legs were rolled up almost to their knees so that Aaron could still see his feet and walk, and the band that held the pants at his hips was pulled so narrow that Aaron draped it around his body twice.

Short time later Mac and Hannah joined them.

"Thank you, squid." Mac's voice held a tone of laughter.

"My pleasure," he answered smiling at the marine who stood next to him in his blue sweater that read US Navy in bold white letters.

Mac didn't mind what the shirt read; she simply enjoyed wearing his clothes again and smelling his scent.

"So how about we go down to grab some dinner?" Mac suggested next.

"I'm going nowhere looking like this," Aaron protested, running his hand over his legs.

For the first time since she walked in Hannah really looked at her brother and couldn't suppress her giggles.

"Gee, thanks Hannah." He now felt somewhat awkward.

"Sorry honey. But I have to say that you're looking kind of cute," Mac said but added, "An embarrassing kind of cute, but cute" when she saw the way Aaron looked at her.

"How about room service?" Harm asked. "You feel up to a picnic on the floor Aaron?"

"Yeah, guess that's okay."

Several minutes later, plates covered with a variety of food were spread all over the floor and the five of them sat in between, each of them taking a bit here and there.

"Harm, would you hand me the chocolate crème from over there, please?" Mac asked, leaning towards the wanted item that stood next to Harm's knee but was out of her reach.

Harm took the dish she pointed at and asked: "This one?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay." But instead of giving it to her, Harm reached for a spoon and dipped it in the bowl. Next the spoon went to his mouth. "That's good. Han, want to try?"

A spoonful of chocolate was moved towards the girl, followed by two more for Kenny and Aaron respectively. At the end Harm filled another spoon and Mac had to watch as this vanished into his mouth as well.

"Harm!" she warned when Harm wanted to take another bite.

In response his eyebrows rose. "You still want some of this?" he teased.

Mac only rolled her eyes in an answer. She should have gotten up and taken the crème herself. She had to wait another moment before Harm finally held out the bowl for her to take. He knew better then to mess with a hungry marine for too long. Mac quickly took it, not sure whether Harm wouldn't pull it back to tease her some more.

"What's our plan for tomorrow?" Hannah asked when most of the plates were empty and their stomachs filled.

"Nothing so far. But it will be only the four of you," Mac answered.

"Why?" both Harm and Aaron wanted to know.

"The Admiral wants me to be at the office either tomorrow or the day after. And as I need to prepare dinner on the 24th, I'm working tomorrow. You'll have to spend the day without me."

"I guess we don't have a say in this, do we?"

"No Harm, you don't. But I could always ask Harriet to have an eye on you Aaron." Both Mac and Harm waited for the boy's decision. Was he ready to spend a day with his father alone?

"Oh, okay," Aaron finally said, leaving his parents not a bit wiser than before.

"Okay what? You want me to take you to Jimmy?" Mac inquired further.

"No, I'll spend the day with Hannah."

Harm realized what his son had said, but he tried to ignore the fact that he obviously didn't really want to spend the day with him. After all, spending the day with Hannah meant being with him in the end.

"It's settled then. I'll drop you off on my way to the office tomorrow morn'." She received nods from both Harm and Aaron. She just hoped the day wouldn't end in disaster and that father and son would somehow get along.

"Hey Mac, what did you say about preparing dinner? Don't tell me you are the one who's hosting the annual Christmas dinner now. I thought we would all meet at the Roberts'." Harm said, picking up on her earlier words.

"Things changed over the years. One year, I guess it was when Aaron was three, he was ill and I preferred having him home instead of bringing him to the Roberts'. So Harriet agreed to have the dinner at my place. Ever since then we decided that we would take turns hosting the dinner. And it worked fine so far."

"And you're really cooking all by yourself?" Harm grinned at her.

"You'll see tomorrow."

"Ohoo."

Mac just rolled her eyes at his disbelieving look. He would see soon enough.

"Do you need any help? You know I know my way around a kitchen."

"That would be nice, though I can manage on my own quite well. So far nobody died," Mac replied with a twinkle in her eye.

ooooo

The next morning Mac brought Aaron to the hotel like she said she would. The five met upstairs in Harm's room.

Mac walked into the room to greet her daughter and Kenny before she spoke to Harm. "Thanks for taking care of Aaron today."

"I'm glad I can spend some time with him. I'm thankful for every moment he lets me be with him," Harm answered quietly so none of the children could hear.

Mac looked over to Hannah before she replied, "I wish I could spend some more time with Hannah. But I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow. Let's hope that Aaron isn't too stubborn and will soon see how great a person you are." She truly wished that her son and his father would get along better.

Harm just nodded, too occupied with his thoughts about how Aaron would handle the next day to really pay attention to the compliment Mac just paid him.

"Guys," Mac now addressed all of the people in the room. "I need to go. Aaron, be good for Harm please."

He gave her a not-so-eager "Okay".

"Have fun today."

Mac brushed her hand over her son's head as a goodbye and then walked out of the door to head for the office.

"So, any ideas on how to spend the day?" Harm asked after all of them had stayed silent for a while.

"I brought my sled," Aaron said pointing to the sleigh that leaned against the wall next to the door. Mac must have put it there when she walked in and so far Harm hadn't noticed it.

"Yeah, I wanna go sledding," Kenny picked up the cue.

Harm looked at Hannah before he said, "Then sledding it is."

Some ten minutes later they were all settled in a taxi.

"Where to, sir?"

"Do you know a place where we can buy another sled? And a nice place to test it?"

"Yes, I know the perfect place for you."

After they had picked up a new sleigh for Hannah and Kenny the driver brought them to a park in one of the suburbs of Washington. Just as promised the place was perfect. There were some hillocks for children of younger ages and a steeper rise for those more courageous. Immediately Harm and the children joined the fun.

Quite some time later they were still enjoying themselves a lot, constantly riding down the tracks.

"Hey Aaron, how about you and I go for a ride together? I could—" Harm asked when the boy has once again made his way up to him.

"No! I can perfectly well ride my sleigh alone," Aaron answered louder than normal, which was clear evidence that Harm had managed to hit a nerve.

"I just –" Harm started but Aaron interrupted.

"I don't need you to tell me how to do it. Uncle Clay taught me years ago." The boy spat out the last sentence. He knew that it might hurt his father, he just didn't know how much.

Clay. Harm wondered how big a part of Aaron's life Clay was. For a moment he pondered whether it was wise asking the boy about it. But while Harm was engaged in his thoughts Aaron took the chance and mounted the sleigh – alone. And by the time Harm concentrated back on him, the child was already halfway down the slope.

Briefly Harm's eyes wandered to Hannah and Kenny to check on them but then returned to Aaron. It was clear now that the boy hasn't accepted him in his life at all. Yesterday it might have seemed like he had come to terms with having a father, but now it was obvious he hasn't. Harm watched as Aaron crashed into another sleigh, got up and nodded his head at the other child before he turned around and started to head back up. From the way he walked, setting his steps with more force than necessary and never once looking up, Harm could tell that his son was still angry. It was then that Harm decided to try his luck and face him, try to explain what he hadn't a chance to clarify back in Chicago. So when Aaron was close enough Harm held out his arm to stop him.

"Aaron, could I talk to you for a moment?"

"I apologized already. Okay?" Aaron shot back without looking directly at Harm.

"I assumed you did. And this isn't what I want to talk about. I think I need to explain something to you."

"I don't wanna hear it." To Harm the young boy suddenly sounded older than his almost ten years. He wondered how that had happened. Was it because of the pain he had put him through? Harm didn't know.

"Aaron, please let me try. How about you just sit down and listen to me for, let's say two minutes? After that you can go back to sleighing."

For Harm time seemed to stop while the boy pondered his request. But finally Aaron dropped down on his sleigh and nodded. He would listen.

Harm cast a quick eye back at his other children again before he focused on the son he hadn't seen for years. He knelt down in front of Aaron, trying to be on eyelevel with him.

"Aaron, I want to assure you that I didn't come back to impose anything on you. I know that it isn't my place, that you had other people who taught you things that a father – I – should have taught you. I know how it is to grow up without a father and I'm sorry that you had to. But your mother and I thought that together we couldn't give either you or Hannah what we wanted for you – a better childhood than we had. We had quite a history, a history we feared would repeat itself and then affect you more than anything else. I truly believed that if you didn't know me, it would be easier for you." Harm searched for his son's gaze and held it. "But now that I know you, I realized I've been wrong. That just because you didn't know me, it doesn't mean that you didn't miss a father in your life."

"I didn't miss you before I knew you," Aaron said pulling loose from his father's gaze and dropping his eyes to the snowy ground.

But Harm couldn't read him that well so he couldn't tell whether his son meant it or not. "If that's how you feel, I can't argue about it."

The boy gave his father a weak nod to confirm his earlier words.

"And maybe you would have indeed been better off if you never knew about me. But I can't change that any more than I can take back our past decision… I wish I could have spared you the hurt and anger you're going through now. However, now that we've met, I'd like to have a chance to get to know you and for you to see who I am."

"I liked you better when you still were just Hannah's dad, not mine," Aaron said honestly.

"Aaron, it's okay if you can't see me as your father, I know I've missed far too much of your life to truly be considered as such, but I'd love to be your friend." Saying these words hurt, but Harm understood that he couldn't rush the boy. If Aaron wouldn't accept him as his parent, then so be it. Being considered a friend by his son was a thousand times better than being considered an enemy and a million times better than not knowing his child at all.

It was then that Harm understood how Frank had felt when Harm was still a child. The man never really wanted to replace his father, but he wanted to be a friend to him. Now he hoped that his own son would give him the chance he always denied Frank.

"I really want to be a part of your life, Aaron. It is up to you how big a part. But now that I know you, I don't want to lose you again. Through all these years, every time I looked at Hannah I saw you by her side. I wondered what you looked like, what you did." Harm placed his hands on the sled at either sides of his son. He wanted to takes his son's hand, but he wasn't too sure it would be a good move as of yet.

"You missed me?" Aaron asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, incredibly. You are my son, I couldn't forget about you."

"Then why did you never write or came by?" He looked back up and Harm could clearly see the sadness in his eyes.

"You can't imagine how often I was close to packing my things and returning to Washington. But your mother and I agreed not to see each other again. And I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't felt the same about my return and my need to be with you. I know this was cowardice…" Harm shook his head. All the reasons he could give for not seeing his son for ten years suddenly sounded lame, so he fell silent.

For a while neither of them spoke. Harm could only hope that his son would understand that he always loved him, no matter where he was.

In the end it was Harm who spoke first. "Do you think you can give me a chance to be your friend?"

A muted "Yes" and a nod were his answer.

"Thank you, Aaron." With his right hand Harm reached for his son's hand and gently squeezed it. And to his wonder Aaron didn't pull back, he even offered him a small smile. Maybe they were on the right track.

"You can go back to sledding now."

Aaron nodded again but remained at his place. There still was a lot on his mind. He didn't feel like sleighing right now.

Harm stood up and felt his knees crack slightly when he did so. He scanned the crowd for Hannah and Kenny and found them walking towards him hand in hand. The next moment Hannah dropped down next to Aaron onto his sled. She had seen her father kneel down I front of her brother and had found it best not to interrupt, this probably was important. But now that she saw her father stand and looking for them it seemed okay to join him and her brother.

Harm leaned down a little to attend to his daughter. "You having fun?"

"Yeah. But could we do something else now?"

"Something like?" Harm inquired.

Hannah thought for a while, then asked, "Can we see the White House?"

Her father was about to answer when he realized that her twin brother might not had enough of sleighing yet. "Aaron, what do you think about it? Do you want to see the White House now?" After all, the boy missed out on some of the fun Hannah and Kenny had.

Looking at his sister Aaron answered, "Yes, let's go there."

ooooo

The day had gone by pretty slowly for Mac but she had managed to get all her paperwork done before she left for the holidays. Every now and then her thoughts had drifted to her family. She found herself wondering what they were doing that very moment. If they were having fun and if Aaron's attitude towards his father had changed already.

Back at home Mac wondered how to reach for her keys when a voice approached her from behind.

"Hi Mac, do you need some help?" Harriet wanted to know and reached for some of the bags Mac balanced on her arms.

"Harriet, you're heaven sent ," Mac sighed relieved when the other woman took some of the weight from her arms.

"Last minute shopping?"

"You could say so. But I swear I'll never do it again. People are going crazy out there."

Both women headed inside when Mac finally managed to get her keys and open the door.

"Where's Aaron?" Harriet asked when she didn't hear the boy's greeting.

"He's staying with a friend for the day." By now they reached the kitchen and Mac put her bags down. A package of pasta found its way out of one of them.

"You need any help with tomorrow's dinner?"

"No, but thanks. I already have a helpful hand."

"You don't let a nine-year-old help you prepare dinner for all of us?" Harriet had taken a seat at the kitchen island and watched as Mac put away the things that needed to be kept frozen.

"It worked well the last time." She tried hard to suppress the laughter provoked by the memory.

"Yes it did, but only when you came by to trade your son in for me." Mac was no longer able to keep the laughter in and Harriet joined her. Neither of them had forgotten the way Mac's kitchen looked when her son had tried to help her two years back when it was her turn to host the dinner.

"No, actually I thought of bringing someone to our dinner." It was the first time that Mac mentioned bringing somebody.

"Ah, so that's why you want to do it out of the ordinary. And this someone has to please us with his cooking."

"I never said it would be a man," Mac tried to keep her friend from jumping to conclusions. Harriet had never stopped trying to find someone for her after Harm was gone.

"But why would you bring a woman, dear. I just know it's a man and it's about time."

"Harriet!"

"Guess I'll see you and him tomorrow night then."

Mac waved her friend off, still shaking her head. If Harriet knew who she was bringing she probably would have fallen off her chair. Mac returned to the kitchen to put away the last things before she would wrap the presents and get to the hotel to pick up Aaron.

ooooo

Arriving at the hotel Mac headed straight for Harm's room. But when her knocks still weren't answered after the sixth time she walked back down to the reception wondering where her family might be.

"Excuse me, do you know whether Mr. Rabb has returned yet?" she asked the woman that stood behind the counter.

"Which room is he staying in?"

Mac gave her the room number and waiter for an answer.

"Tall guy, dark hair and with three children?"

"Yes, that's him. Do you know where he's gone? We were supposed to meet."

"They're all sitting by our central fireplace in the room over there." The woman showed Mac a door at the back of the hall.

"Thank you," Mac said, already heading for the door.

On opening the door a wave of heat crashed against Mac. The big fireplace produced a warmth that made the heated lobby seem cold. Looking around Mac found leather armchairs and loveseats spread all over the room. It reminded her of the old movies and she felt like she stepped back in time into the library or the smoking room of an old manor.

The room was occupied by a young couple that was interested in nothing else but themselves – why they weren't in their own room was beyond Mac – two old ladies that knitted some socks or other and the four people she was looking for.

Harm sat in a loveseat near the fire. She saw Kenny by his side, curled into a ball and sleeping peacefully. His blond head rested comfortably in his father's lap while Harm's hand ran over his back in calming circles. The twins were seated on the floor right in front of their father's feet. They chatted quietly, not to wake the sleeping child. All of them seemed very much at ease and for a moment Mac remained at the door to just watch them. She hoped that the way Aaron now looked comfortable around his father was evidence of the way their day went.

When her son spotted her and waved her over, she made her way past the two ladies toward her family.

"Hi mum."

"Hello. You guys had fun today?" She settled down on the armrest of Harm's seat.

"Yeah, very much so. You got everything finished at the office?" It was Harm who answered her while Hannah and Aaron nodded their heads to confirm what their father said.

"Gladly I won't have to worry about work through the holidays. I don't suppose you're happiness has anything to do with the cup of hot chocolate each of you holds, has it?" Mac wanted to know making herself comfortable. She leaned against the back of the seat, slightly leaning to the right so her side brushed against Harm's shoulder.

"It has these little marshmallows," Aaron said showing her the rest of his drink.

Harm motioned for the waiter, who was occupied in the back of the room, to bring Mac one of the warming drinks.

When Mac held her own cup and took her first sip she asked: "What have you been up to?"

Hannah and Aaron happily chatted away about their day. Relaxing even more Mac closed her eyes during her children's story. By now she had moved over towards Harm even more. Her head now rested against his and she heard his calming breath.

"So you had a pretty occupied day?"

Harm only nodded. His arms were still aching from pulling two sleds and three children through Washington.

"Seems you had an exhausting day yourself."

"Mhmm," Mac replied, her eyes still closed. "We'd better go home now." But she wasn't moving at all.

"No way I'll let you drive like this. I'm gonna call you a cab."

"No, it's okay, I'm fine." Mac opened her eyes and sat up straight.

"Mac, it's snowing and you're tired."

"But my car…" Mac tried to argue though her heart wasn't in it. She knew he was right; it was safer for her and Aaron to take a taxi.

"I'll bring it when we come by your place tomorrow," Harm assured her. "I'll be back in a sec."

When Harm returned from the reception, Mac had slid down from the armrest and settled into the loveseat next to Kenny. While she got lost in the calm and the warmth of the room her fingers trailed through the soft blond hair. Watching her silently for a moment Harm once again found himself pondering the decision they had made. However, now there wasn't a chance to change the road once taken. Thus he settled down next to Aaron. Immediately Hannah climbed into his lap. Every now and then she seemed to need his embrace. So he wrapped his arms around the young girl and rested his head against hers. His eyes still lingered on his oldest son though.

"You're acting in that school play, aren't you?" Harm asked after a moment of silence.

"Yes, but I'm sharing my role with Peter."

"Is that why you're here tonight? Is there another chance to watch you?" Harm had wanted to see Aaron play from the moment he learned about his role. But only now did he feel like it might be the right time to ask.

"It's—" the boy trailed off.

"Twenty-fifth," Mac said softly.

"Yes, the twenty-fifth," Aaron confirmed.

One of the hotel employees walked up to them. "Excuse me sir, your cab is here."

"Thank you," Harm answered before he turned his attention back to his son. "Would you mind if we come by to see you on the twenty-fifth?"

Aaron shook his head. And for the first time he felt proud that his father would come to see him act.

Smiling mildly at his son, Harm pushed his daughter up to get himself off of the floor. Then he carefully took Kenny into his arms.

Mac as well had risen and now stood behind Aaron holding onto his shoulders. She was glad Harm had insisted on a taxi so she didn't need to worry about driving in these conditions.

"Sweet dreams, marine. We'll see you tomorrow," Harm whispered when they reached the exit.

"Looking forward to it." Mac smiled tiredly at him, and then leaned down to say her goodbye to Hannah, before she climbed into the waiting cab after her son.

"Let's go to bed then. Tomorrow will be an important day," Harm said, placing his hand on his daughter's shoulder, who had waved the car off until it was well out of sight, to lead her to the elevators.


	16. After All Those Years

_A/N: Thanks for waiting.  
Spoilers: Soul Searching is being mentioned

* * *

_

**16 – After All Those Years  
**

The next morning Harm and his kids boarded the SUV he had convinced Mac to leave in the car park the night before. When he settled into the driver's seat images of the past started rising immediately. All these memories hadn't crashed on him the day Mac and Aaron had met them at the airport. On the other hand, different things had occupied his mind then. Such as how much he had longed to see her again ever since they parted in Chicago.

He well remembered the day he had bought the Lexus.

_The two of them were in the admiral's office, talking about the death of Mac's father when for some reason they fell silent._

_"It's getting dark in here." Mac tried to break through the slightly awkward moment. _

_"Is it?" He just continued to stare at her._

_"Yeah."_

_"Why don't you come with me help me pick out a new car with Harriet and Bud?" It was a spontaneous idea_

_"Isn't that something Jordie should be doing?" Mac asked a little surprised._

_"Mac, you pick out a new car with your girlfriend, you might as well buy her a ring."_

And she had really come along. If she had been his girlfriend back then he wouldn't have hesitated to pick a car with her.

Then there was the day he had urged her to take the car instead of buying a new one. She had finally given in.

_"But you should at least take this." She motioned for the knob of the clutch lever, the one with the engraved gold wings, the only thing from his stolen 'Vette worth saving. _

_"No it's okay. I won't need them no more. You're offering me something that is much more important than these wings." And he did mean what he said. Flying wasn't the most important thing anymore. It hadn't been for quite some years now._

_Mac wasn't sure whether she liked the item to stay or to go, but she wouldn't have to decide it right away._

But it had stayed. And now Harm was carefully touching this last reminiscent that the car had once belonged to him, because now it was Mac's, no mistaking that. The car smelt of peppermint, take away Beltway Burgers and the perfume she had worn last night. With a short deep sigh he inhaled her sweet scent, turned the key and got them going.

ooooo

Mac had waited from the window in her hall for them to arrive, so as Harm and the children were leaving the car she had already opened the door to let them in.

"Morning. Did you sleep well?" She tried to do small talk, but felt slightly uncomfortable with Harm and the kids finally being at her home.

"Yeah." He dropped the car keys into her hand before he turned around to take Hannah's and Kenny's jackets. "You have a nice house."

"Want a tour?"

"Mornin'." Aaron had heard them talk and came down to greet them.

"Hi Aaron. Sure, why not." Harm was nervous as well. This was her home, hers and Aaron's. But if he had had the courage it might as well been theirs.

"How about we start upstairs and end in the kitchen? Aaron would you lead the way?" Mac asked.

And with Aaron taking the lead, Hannah and Kenny just at his heels and Mac and Harm last, with him one step behind her, they climbed the stairs to the upper floor.

"That's the bathroom and my office." She motioned for two doors to their left. Whereas the bathroom door was closed, Harm could see a bright and friendly looking room through the other. The walls were painted a radiant yellow and the furniture was made of some light colored wood. Just opposite the door there was a poster showing the globe and anchor in front of two crossed flags – the Marine Corps one and the Stars and Stripes.

"My bedroom." This time the door was to their right, opening into a room that was dominated by a bed. The orange walls and the green curtains made the whole room seem warm and homey. Through the window one's gaze directly meet a tree and the edge of the roof of the house across the street. During the summer months it must look like living in the countryside.

"And that's Aaron's room." The children had already made themselves at home in the big room.

"You have quite a large house."

"Yeah, it's a lot of space for two people. But it's just across the street from Harriet and Bud's and I could afford it, so I figured I'd take it."

Both adults lingered by the door, not sure of what to say next. Until Mac focused back on the kids in front of her and found them already sorting through Aaron's variety of toys and games.

"The three of you are staying here?"

She heard a "Yes,", "Yeah," and "Mmhmm," as a reply.

So Mac lead Harm back downstairs into the hall and proceeded into the living room.

"Wow. That looks great." He admired the big room that had a rustic charm due to the dark panels that covered the floor, the old bookcases that lined the wall with the floor to ceiling windows and the white sofas. "But you have no Christmas Tree."

"I do." She had to smile at the confused look on his face. "Out on the terrace. We always decorate it last."

Harm had spotted a part of the wall that was covered with photographs and walked over to have a look. He saw pictures of his old friends. Pictures of Christmas Parties, pictures that looked like they were taken on some official ball or something. All pictures of things he had missed, of events he hadn't shared with his friends. He longed to have been with them then, and he longed to be with them now. And on all of these pictures Mac looked really happy. Somewhere inside of him it hurt when he looked at them. Harm immediately scolded himself, Mac had the right to be happy and he was no one to be envious of that. Most of the pictures were of a loving mother and a growing child. Pictures taken at pleasure parks, in zoos. There were a few of Mac in her uniform and he even found the old picture of the NATO-ball when he was still at JAG HQ that showed him among his friends.

"I like this picture best," he said after a while and laid his index finger onto the frame of a photo showing Mac and Aaron. Mac was seated on a blanket and leaning her back against a tree. Aaron was seated in her lap, her arms wrapped around the young boy. Both were smiling brightly into the camera.

"As do I. It was taken when Aaron was five. He and —" she hesitated, should she tell him?

"Aaron and who?"

"He and… Clay, they surprised me with a picnic on mother's day."

"So it was Clay who took the picture." He hadn't expected it to hurt that much. But right now was the moment he fully and finally understood that Mac had moved on with her life, had left him in the past. When his eyes wandered over the photos again he found Webb standing right by her side in several of them and he wondered what place the spook was holding in Sarah's life.

"Are you two back together?" He dreaded the answer, but he needed to know nonetheless.

Automatically Mac put her hand softly on his arm to offer comfort she was lacking herself.

"No. We never were again after we parted. But Clay is a good friend, I can talk to him, when he's around. Clay had been there for me when I needed someone apart from Harriet to talk to." 'Someone you would have been if we had been courageous enough to try.' she added in her thoughts.

He only slowly nodded. He understood how she felt about Webb and he also understood the words she didn't say.

"How about we start preparing the dinner?" Mac asked after a moment of silence before she led him into the kitchen, her hand still resting on his arm.

When Harm left the pictures behind and entered the kitchen he snapped back into present.

"I would have never thought of you having a kitchen that big," Harm said, admiring the large room.

"Me neither. But I got better at cooking over the years with another hungry mouth to fill."

"So what do you have planned for tonight?" Harm leaned against the island that was dividing the kitchen into two halves, while Mac was still standing in the middle of the free space before the door.

"I thought you could take care of the salad and hoped you'll make your veggie lasagna."

"You're not having a traditional Christmas dinner?"

"No. Most of us will have plenty of that the following days. So we decided to have something different for our annual dinner."

"I see. And you thought it best for me to cook my own dinner?" he asked in a teasing tone.

"No. Rachel is a vegetarian too, she'd be glad about something new. And I myself would love to have a bite of it again."

"Rachel, who's Rachel?"

"Oh I thought you knew. Rachel is Sturgis' wife."

"Right. They've send me an invitation to their wedding, but I couldn't make it. So what is she like?"

"She and Sturgis are the perfect match. And she's fun to be with. You'd like her." Then she added, "So now, would you do your lasagna?" in mock exasperation.

"I've never been one to deny a woman's wish," he grinned. "And what are you going to do?"

"Keep watching you?" With their teasing Mac started to feel at ease again, partly at least. "My part of the dinner will be a surprise."

"Will there be something in it for me? Something not consisting of fat or dead cow?"

Mac only shrugged her shoulders and shot him a smile before she turned and walked over to one of the counters to finally get started.

ooooo

Time passed fast with both of them occupied with cooking and preparing the meal for the evening. Harm had gone upstairs to check on the children, who had been awfully quiet all the time, once. But he'd only found the door closed and behind it, Hannah and Aaron were sitting over a computer game of sorts while Kenny was playing with some toy cars. There had been nothing to worry about.

Harm had sat at the island for a while now. His hands constantly pushing the glass of water around.

Mac was growing a little annoyed by the sound when he suddenly stopped and spoke up instead.

"Mac, would you do me a favor?" His hands were now firmly placed around the glass.

Mac turned to face him. "Yes?"

"I'd like to go to the Wall today."

"Of course. And you like me to have an eye on Hannah and Kenny. I can do that," she assured him.

"No, actually…" His eyes were now cast down to the floor. "Actually I like you and Aaron to come with us."

Mac was taken by surprise by this. She had known that he was going to go there, but she hadn't thought he would ask her to come along. Slowly she walked over to the place he was now standing at.

"Sure we will come with you. When do you want to go?"

"Now? I think we won't make it tonight."

She had reached for both his hands to take in hers. She could figure from the desperate look in his eyes that he hadn't visited his father in a long time. And she appreciated his request for her presence the more so with this knowledge.

So she softly whispered, "Thank you."

Now he lifted his eyes at last, locking them immediately with hers.

"Why do you thank me?" Equally just a whisper. They were only inches apart. There was no need to speak any louder. They would have understood each other even if no word was spoken at all.

"Because you want to share that special moment with me."

"You are my family."

He knew right there that he had finally spoken from the bottom of his heart, no holding back. And so did Mac. She saw it in his eyes, felt it in the way his arms were now wrapped around her. Slowly she let her hands travel up his arms until they rested on his shoulders. He tipped his head slightly to the left, his eyes never leaving hers. And like in slow motion they both moved their heads towards each other. Wanted their lips to meet in a sweet kiss. She could already feel the warmth of his lips on hers even when they were still apart. Softly his finger caressed a spot behind her ear at the hairline. Everything started to tickle inside her body. Both had closed their eyes, finding their way without sight, just guided by the others radiating warmth.

"Daddy!"

Both broke apart in a rush. Each taking a step backwards when the little boy came running into the kitchen. The magic of the moment vanished and all that lingered was an awkward feeling. To escape it Mac walked back to the meat she had been preparing and Harm turned to face his son.

"What is it sport?"

"Daddy look what Aaron gave to me." He showed his father his newest toy.

"It's a F18."

"Yes. Aaron said I can keep it."

"Great. Did you say 'thank you' to Aaron?"

"No." Kenny had been way to excited to remember his good upbringing.

"So little man, turn around, head back up and say a huge 'thank you' to Aaron." He turned his son by his shoulders and softly pushed him in the direction of the door.

His eyes followed Kenny until he was up the stairs and out of sight. Only then did he stood back up and turned towards Mac who was still working silently on the meat.

"I… I go get my things then."

"What things?" She had turned around and leaned against the counter.

"I brought my uniform for the Wall."

"Oh alright. I'd better change too." A little smile was playing round her lips when she looked down on herself and spotted some evidence of the hours spent cooking.

ooooo

When Mac had put the meat back into the fridge and checked on the lasagna that was in the oven – as the oven would be needed for the meat tonight they had decided on heating the lasagna up after Harm had assured her that it would taste just as good – and would be ready in about 13 minutes she headed for the stairs and met Harm when he walked back in, a bag in hand.

Together they climbed the stairs and went straight to Aaron's room to tell their children of their plans.

Harm stayed in Aaron's room with both boys to change whereas Hannah and Mac choose her bedroom to get dressed.

Harm had just finished binding his tie when Mac shouted from the adjoining room.

"Harm could you take care of the lasagna. It needs to be taken out of the oven."

So with a last check on Kenny he walked out of the room to do what Mac had told him just when he heard the 'bing' of the oven. He passed her room and heard soft voices behind the closed door.

When he returned the door was ajar and he could still hear his daughter and her mother talking. He stopped dead in his tracks when he passed the door and looked inside.

Both females were sitting on a small bench in front of the dressing table. And Mac was softly brushing Hannah's hair while they were talking about something. He lingered for a moment to just enjoy this moment. Neither of them saw him standing there, nor did they hear when he left to join his sons.

When he reentered the boy's room both were finished and now playing with Kenny's new and Aaron's former jet.

"Is it okay for the Wall?" Aaron asked standing up to show his choice of clothes.

"Sure," Harm nodded. Aaron had chosen black trousers and a red sweater and he looked great in it.

"That's what I wanted to wear for church today," the boy smiled back at his father.

Harm checked on Kenny the last time, but found everything alright. So all left for him to do was to get his jacket on and wait for the girls.

"Ready to go?" Mac and Hannah were standing in the doorway waiting for an answer.

"Han, you look great… and older." Harm stared at his daughter wide eyed.

"You like it?" the girl asked her father to make sure.

"A lot. You wearing lip gloss?" He had now walked over to his daughter to look more closely.

"Yeah," Hannah answered proudly.

"You're okay with that?" Mac asked concerned she did something wrong, letting Hannah use her make up.

"Yes, I guess." He hadn't thought much about his daughter using make up. He had always thought she was still too young for that. But obviously she was not. "And you look great too." he complimented Mac.

"That's just my uniform." She had decided for the uniform when she'd learned that he would be wearing his. She found it fitting for this occasion.

"That's you in that uniform," he stated simply.

"Thanks." Mac blushed slightly. "And congrats." Her hand brushed over the four golden stripes at the end of his sleeves. "Captain suits you well." She had guessed that he had turned captain by the time, she had turned a full colonel, but still, she'd never seen him in this uniform before.

"Can we get going?" Hannah piped in from the side.

"Yeah. Aaron would you bring my cover please?" Harm asked.

And off they headed for the hall and their coats.

Mac trailed a way behind, thinking about something. Should she tell Harm? She needed to tell somebody. She was so happy right now. But still, wouldn't he get sad over what she'd just experienced? But maybe, he would be happy with her. He knew how much it meant to her. Harm would understand.

So when he helped her in her uniform overcoat she burst out, "Your daughter just said mum to me for the first time."

"Hey, that's great. And she's your daughter as well." he smiled at her, completely understanding how she felt. And he longed to feel the same way.

_Hannah had followed Mac into her bedroom. _

_"I like your house," she said still outside the door. "And I love that bed."_

_Hannah threw herself onto the big bed that filled half of the room._

_"One day I want one of my own."_

_"Have to ask your father about it." Mac walked over to her dressing table to redo her make up._

_After a short while Hannah was done changing and sat at the edge of the bed watching her mother do her hair. Both females were chatting about this and that, mostly woman things Hannah had only rare chance to talk about with her dad. And out of this feeling of comfort and companionship Hannah asked an important question._

_"Mum, would you do my hair?"_

_Mac's hand stopped in midair. Slowly she turned around, facing the girl that was sitting on her bed. A girl that looked like her when she was little._

_"What did you just say?" She couldn't believe what she heard._

_"If you do my hair, when you're finished with yours."_

_"No, before that."_

_"Mum?"_

_Tears started to form in Mac's eyes, threatened to ruin the make up she just put on. But she didn't care. All that was important now, was her little baby calling her mum for the first time. Slowly she rose and walked over to where Hannah sat, tears already running down her cheeks._

_When she stood by the bedside Mac opened her arms and Hannah automatically found her way into her mother's embrace. For a while Mac wept silent tears while she held her daughter for the first time in years._

_When finally her tears had dried and a smile had grown on her face Mac led Hannah back to the dressing table, placing the girl in front of her and started to softly brush the shoulder long brown hair._

_"Have you ever had them done up?"_

_"No."_

_"It'll look great, especially with the white turtleneck you're wearing tonight," Mac went on brushing her hair._

_Neither of them did see Harm standing by the door. Nor did they see the smile that formed on his lips._

"Yes that she is," Mac silently said when she walked out of the door behind her family.


	17. Traditions

**17 – Traditions  
**

The black wall shone in the bright winter's sun. A single candle fought its battle against the wind and the snowflakes softly falling. Flowers and pictures positioned at the foot of the wall were covered under a layer of snow. The white made the place seem even more peaceful and quiet than it normally was.

Not many people were around this Christmas day. A few tourists slowly walked alongside the monument paying respect to those lost.

The Rabbs and MacKenzies quietly looked at the Wall, each of them lost in thoughts.

Hannah searched for the name of her grandfather whom she never knew. She had never been here before, but her father had told her so much that she had long wished to see this place. Her eyes focused on the imprinted letters, her only connection to a man she knew her father had loved deeply. She wondered what he had been like. Would he have been such a great grandfather as Frank was? Her eyes wandered to her own father. He was staring at the exact same spot. She could see the glistening on his cheeks. Whether he was crying or if it was from the snowflakes melting on his face she didn't know. But she was glad that it wasn't his name they were looking at, that they were together still. And much better even, that she had gotten her mother back.

Aaron let his gaze wander, soaking in the quietness of this place. Naturally, he hadn't known that his own grandfather was one of the thousands lost, that he had such a personal connection to this wall. He had learned all about it in school, they had even come here once on Veteran's Day. But only now did he fully understand what a place like this meant to all those left behind. It was a place for them to remember. And as he had seen both his mother and father approach this place with so much respect, he had immediately felt just how important this was, and not only for Harm, but for his mother as well. His eyes followed the soft steam that his breath was causing when it dispersed into the air. He could hear his sister breathe next to him, saw her breath mix with his. He finally felt that they were a family now.

Harm stared at the wall. It had been so long since he'd last been here on Christmas Eve. Ten years to the point. So much had changed. And due to some reason or another he had never made it to Washington through Christmas. He'd come here three times during summer when he'd been around for work though. Far less than he would have liked to. But living in California wasn't making things easier. Yet he had always remembered his father. Each Christmas Eve he'd gone to the pier to set a candle in the water which would drift off into the Pacific, to maybe make its way to Asia or Russia. He loved that thought and it had been his way of never forgetting. And he'd always gone by himself when Hannah and Kenny had been asleep. He didn't know why he wanted to be alone that times. But right now he was glad he wasn't. That he had his family with him.

Mac stood beside Harm, her eyes closed, slowly inhaling the cold air filled with the pleasant scent of snow. She'd been here every other Christmas to pay her respects to a man she'd never known. But a man that had given her so much in life. He had given her a family. Even long before Aaron and Hannah were born. Back then, when Harm was the best friend she'd ever had, the only one truly caring. And each year she had hoped, somewhere deep down in her heart, to meet Harm here. But each time when she'd lain a single yellow rose down and saluted this unknown officer, like she'd done today, she had been alone. Only today did Harm stand next to her, did they raise their hands synchronously. And as the children had seen their parents salute these fallen soldiers they'd done the same, all three of them raising their right hands to honor those died. And not a word had been spoken since.

A soft pull at her uniform made Mac open her eyes. Kenny was looking up at her. And only softly he whispered a question.

"May I go play in the snow?" Even this little boy intuitively knew about the importance of this place.

Mac leaned down to answer him.

"Ask Aaron and Hannah to go with you, okay."

Her glance followed him as he joined the other two and the three of them headed someway off, not to disturb anybody.

She stood back up and looked at the man standing next to her. He was deeply lost in thoughts. She wondered when he'd been around last. Had he come here during these ten years? She didn't know. But she was happy that he did today. Mac was about to close her eyes again, waiting for the moment he would be ready, when suddenly a warm hand joined hers. She hadn't seen him even moving his head. He must have reached out for her only with the knowledge of her being there. Their fingers entwined and she stepped closer to him. Close enough to lean against his arm. Her eyes wandered to their kids. Right now Kenny was making a snow angel, he really was enjoying himself, while Aaron tried to build something of the snow. She could hear their soft laughter drift towards her. That was Christmas how it should be. Christmas in a family. She closed her eyes again. Closed them to treasure this moment. She wished for it to last forever.

"Thank you." His words were only spoken softly.

This time she wasn't going to open her eyes. She felt too good right now to change anything.

"For what?" she wanted to know equally quietly.

"For being here with me right now." He was speaking into her hair as she had her head on his shoulder. "For giving me a wonderful daughter. For making it possible for me to get to know my son. For being the best mother in the world to him and one day to her. For being there for me, always. For being my best friend. Just for being you."

His words caressed her soul. They were spoken with such a sincerity that she knew they came from his heart. By the end she had lifted her head and looked right into his blue eyes. And that was the very moment time seemed to have stopped.

Slowly and carefully lips were getting nearer. And softly they touched. For seconds the kiss didn't deepen. Both just wanted to taste the other's lips. But finally what had been kept at bay for over ten years broke loose and the kiss deepened, deepened into one of passion and everlasting love. A kiss that did promise everything. Arms found their way round bodies. Hands wandered up backs until they reached the dampness of snow covered hair. Tongues explored everything within reach. Lips felt the pulse beat of the other while the heart seemed to miss every other beat.

When they parted for air, it felt like everything finally fell into place. A place it was long destined for. Without effort their hands found each other. And with their fingers entwined and still close together, they walked off to join their children. When they reached them, for a moment they just watched, reveling in the moment. As they stood there, at a place of the past, looking onto the future, Mac gathered up enough courage to pose a question she'd asked herself a million times over. She turned slightly towards Harm and searched for his eyes. He saw the light dancing in her eyes, turning the brown into a warm gold.

Softly she started, "Harm, can I ask you something?" When he nodded, Mac continued. "What happened to us? When we decided to go through with the baby deal and during the first months we were okay. It wasn't perfect, yet I thought we both would finally have… be a family. Then all of a sudden everything changed and you were gone. Where did we go wrong? Why did it never work out between us?"

Harm shook his head, unable to really explain. He'd asked himself the very same questions. "I don't know. What I know is that it's always been like this from the very start. We're like the tide, rolling in and rolling back out, we're colliding only to drift apart."

"You think that's how it's going to be forever?"

"With all my heart I hope not, that we can make it work this time." His voice was soft but intense, speaking of all the hope and fear he felt at the same time. "In fact, I think we have to. For a million different reasons and for our children, but most of all for our sake. For after all this years, you're still my best friend, my soul mate, someone I'd never want to lack in my life ever again."

Mac was startled by this willing admission. She had felt that there was something between them, something even more intense than it had been at the start of their friendship, yet hearing his words still took her by surprise. "Is this really how you feel?" A soft nod from Harm assured her. "I feel the same about you. I really missed you. And actually, I think we're making progress already."

"Are we?" Harm asked, relieved by both Mac's reaction and that finally something between them seemed to work.

"Yeah, we are talking. Talking about our feelings, something neither of us was fond of in the past."

"No, not really. But this will change now, Mac. I promise." He squeezed her hand, still resting in his, reassuringly.

"Me too." They sealed their promise with a long and tender hug.

ooooo

She was so enclosed in the cooking book, wanting the meal done on time, she hadn't heard the little boy approach.

"Mac?"

"Oh, hi Kenny. Want a cookie?" She thought he had come for one of the fresh chocolate cookies that were cooling on one of the counters.

"Yes," he nodded his head and took the cookie Mac was offering. "Do you think Santa knows that I'm not home?"

Mac stopped the task at hand and rounded the island she was working at to join Kenny.

"Surely. Santa Claus knows everything."

"But what if he didn't see us leaving. He wouldn't bring my presents here."

"That's what he got his little helpers for. They did tell him."

"Okay." He wasn't quite convinced yet though. He had asked his father when they left San Diego, and he had told him pretty much the same, but nonetheless, what if Santa forgot he was staying with Mac?

"Can I hang my sock at your fireplace to make sure?"

"That's a good idea. How about you tell your dad and sister and we all hang our socks now?"

"Yeah." And off he was.

Mac slowly followed him, forgetting the meat that still needed to be prepared.

"Hey, Kenny says we can hang our socks at your place?" Harm asked when Mac entered the living room.

"Yes you can. Did you bring them?"

"They're in the bag I asked you to keep. I would have hung them somewhere in our hotel room tonight."

"I go get them. Keep an eye on the three," said Mac indicating Hannah and Aaron who were throwing popcorn at Kenny and each other.

"I thought we were going to string them together to be wrapped round the tree," Harm said but the only reaction he received was popcorn hitting his shoulder.

She had found the socks on top of Harm's bag and had brought Aaron's and hers along.

"So here we go." She handed each sock to its owner.

"That looks nice," Harm said looking at the five socks hanging side by side.

His and hers were forming both ends while Aaron's hang next to his mother's followed by Kenny's in the middle and Hannah's next to Harm's.

"Aehm," Mac tried to clear her throat. "Now that we got this done, how about the three of you stay here tonight?" She tried hard to not let the insecurity show in her voice.

She saw Harm's questioning look.

"So tomorrow morning we could sit round the tree, unwrap our presents... all of us together." Silently she added 'like a real family.'

"I see. That's a very good idea." He smiled, though he felt a little uncomfortable about spending the night in her house. Visiting her, and being able to retreat to the safety of a hotel room when things got tense, was one thing, but staying the night was a whole world apart.

"So it's decided then."

"Alright. I go get our things as soon as the tree's finished. You need to let me take the SUV again."

"Only if you pick up all this popcorn," Mac smiled before she turned to head back to the still unfinished meal.

ooooo

"So the only thing left is the star on the top," Harm finally told them after two hours.

"Mum's always placing that."

"Okay. I'll get her. And you don't touch anything," he warned the children who had reached out to steal some of the candy items on the tree.

"Hey, marine. Everything ready?" Harm asked as he entered the kitchen.

"Thank God, yes."

Harm stepped closer and took her into his arms, loving the fact that he could now do so.

As Mac stood there, wrapped in his embrace, a sigh escaped from her lips.

"What is it?"

For a moment she hesitated, unsure whether she should tell him or not. Then she remembered what they had promised each other at the Wall. "I'm nervous," she admitted.

"You don't need to be. Everything smells great, you've done a great job."

"It's not the food I'm worried about. It's our friends' reaction. I haven't told anybody that you'd be here. Have you?" Harm shook his head, no he hadn't. "They haven't seen you in nearly ten years. And now you're back. Back with two kids nobody knows about. We'll finally reveal our secret. Doesn't all this make you nervous?"

"It scares me," Harm confessed. "But I thought I could work through this, tell myself that I don't need to be anxious. Yet so far I didn't succeed. After all, you lived with them for the last ten years. I've been nearly out of reach. I tried to keep the contact to them at a very low level just so I don't run the risk hearing anything about you. I somehow feel like a stranger intruding on your private holiday gathering. Only that I'm not a stranger and my actions will be judged all the harder 'cause they know me."

"You don't need to feel like you're imposing on anything. You are not. You are very welcome here. I'd love to say that your other worries are as unfounded as this one, but I can't."

"I feared you'd say something like this."

"But we're going to get through this," Mac said.

"Together," Harm added. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead, thanking her for her support.

She rested her head against his shoulder. It felt so good to be near him, to feel his arms around her. This may become a perfect Christmas.

"We'd better get back, or nothing will be left of the tree."

Hand in hand they headed out of the kitchen to add the final item.

When they entered the living room, they met three faces desperately trying to look innocent. They had to smile at the children sitting on one of the sofas.

"Aaron would you get me the star?" Mac asked.

"Kenny come sit with me." Harm had taken a seat next to the tree. And when his son had climbed his knees, he secretly wiped a small chocolate spot from his cheek.

When the star was set, all five of them were admiring the tree. It looked really beautiful. Mac had found them a tree almost reaching the ceiling and Harm and the kids had done their very best to cover everything with sparkling silver or sweets. But it still formed a perfect harmony. Everything seemed to fit.

"Mum, how much longer 'til everybody arrives?" Hannah wanted to know as she was already used to her mother's ability.

"Half an hour, more or less." She knew that Harriet would probably be early while Bobbie would be the last to come.

"That reminds me, we need to get our things."

"The keys are on the board. And drive safely."

"Will do." He kissed her cheek and headed for the door. "Kenny, Hannah are you coming?"

"Do we need to?"

"Yes. We need to get our things and I can't carry all of yours."

"Why do you need to get them?" Hannah wanted to know.

"Because we're checking out."

"And where will we stay?"

"Here."

Hannah danced around like she had gotten all her presents a day early. "YEAH." She exchanged a high five with Aaron, before she followed her father and other brother outside.

"Time for me to get changed and you to get out of here," Mac told her son, softly pushing him out the room in front of her. She shot a last glance back at the Christmas tree. That would be a wonderful Christmas, she was sure of that now.


	18. They Are In For A Surprise

**18 – They Are In For A Surprise  
**

And just as she had guessed, the Roberts were about five minutes early.

"Hi everybody, come on in."

"Hello, aunt Mac," AJ greeted her.

"Aaron, come down, they're here," Mac yelled upstairs.

"I'm not ready," came the yelled answer.

"Jimmy, could you go get him?" And without a further word the boy sprinted up the stairs to get his friend.

"So, where is he?" Harriet asked when she stepped into the living room, her eyes darting around.

"Not here yet. And I never said it was a he."

"But I thought you said HE would help you."

"And that's what MY FRIEND did. Now MY FRIEND needed to get some things."

"Okay, I guess we'll see HIM later."

"Harriet!" Mac tried to sound stern, but her eyes were smiling. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Yes, please," Bud answered.

Both Harriet and Bud had taken a seat at the bigger of the two sofas, facing the tree. AJ had found himself a seat near the window and was lost in the music he had brought.

Harriet let her eyes wander over the beautiful decorated room. The mistletoe over the door leading to the hall. The candles in the windows. The sparkling silver star up at the tree. The popcorn slopes Aaron must have wrapped round the tree. The little figure of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer that rested on the mantelpiece, down to the two socks to be filled by Santa…

"Bud!" she pocked her husband in the side.

"What is it?"

"Look at the socks."

"What's about them? All five of them look… Five?"

Harriet stood to inspect them more closely. And Bud followed equally curious. Both looked a little shocked when they read the names, especially the last one.

"Mac, why does Ha—" Harriet shouted to Mac when the doorbell started to ring.

Mac placed the tray with the glasses back onto the counter and headed for the door.

"Hi, Clay. Merry Christmas," she greeted the man standing in front of her.

"Hello, Mac. Merry Christmas to you as well. And I have to say you look stunning."

"Thank you." It was a new dress she had bought the weekend Harm had asked if he could visit over Christmas. She wanted to look beautiful for him and feel like a woman, not just a mother. "But come on in."

The moment he did a child came rushing through the door and nearly ran into him.

"We're back."

"Slowly Hannah," Mac said, holding her hand out to stop the excited child. "Say hello to Clayton Webb."

"Hello Mister Webb." Hannah offered her hand to the man next to her.

Clay wondered who this child was, he had never seen her, but at least she was well raised.

"It's—" He took her hand, but the moment he did, his eyes met hers. And he knew that he should know her, as this were Mac's eyes, an exact copy of her chocolate brown, a replica of her son's eyes. But that had to mean… No that couldn't be. He looked the girl from head to toe. Soft brown hair was tucked up nicely. Her face showed some of the features he loved so well in Mac's face. She had to be Sarah MacKenzie's daughter then. Where did she come from now? And why had he never known? Why had she never told him? He thought he was her friend.

"—Clay." He found his voice again. "And your name is?"

"Hannah Rabb."

Time seemed to have stopped when the new information registered in Clay's mind and added to the information gathered seconds before. And then when Clay's hand left hers, his eyes did likewise and immediately came to focus on Mac, a silent question within.

She had followed his reaction carefully, had seen the logical assumptions form in his mind, had seen his eyes wander over the girl to confirm it, and had finally seen the hurt when he heard her name. Slowly she approached him, hugged him as she always did. She whispered a soft "later," when she kissed him on the cheek. Mac could only hope that Clay would keep his discovery to himself.

Harm had watched from the door with Kenny by his side. And now that Mac stepped back, he took a step forward to greet Webb.

"Hello, Webb. Good to see you."

"Rabb," was all Clay managed and it sounded like a question to Mac, but an accusation to Harm. But the one thing both heard clearly was the hurt in his voice.

Harm tried to ignore Clay's reaction. He couldn't do anything about it. But he did know how the man felt right now. He had been there the moment Mac had kissed Clay in Paraguay.

"And that's Kenny," he introduced his son.

'He at least isn't Mac's. Always known he wasn't the one woman type of man.' Clay managed a sad smile for the little blond boy.

"Where's Aaron?" It was Hannah who broke the awkward silence that followed.

"He must still be in his room, I guess," Mac broke out of her reverie. "Let's get inside everybody," Mac gestured for Harm and Kenny to come in and close the still open door.

Clay only nodded a short hello to Harriet and Bud, who had come over when they heard Mac talking to Hannah, when he strode past them into the living room.

Harm took his son's coat to hang it away before he greeted the smiling Roberts.

"I'm glad to see you Harriet." He shook his friend's hand.

"Commander, it's wonderful to see you after such a long time," Bud joined in.

"Technically it's Captain by now. But as we're at a Christmas party and out of uniform, it's Harm anyway. How are the boys?"

"They're doing wonderful. But you can ask them yourself. Jimmy's upstairs and AJ is in the living room. But I see you didn't tell us everything in your occasional letters." Harriet leaned down to the boy still standing by his father's side.

"Harriet, Bud, this is my son, Kenny."

"Kenny, these are very good friends of mine." Harm really hoped they still were.

"Pleasure to meet you, little man. And the girl must be Hannah then."

"Yes." He turned for her but found the spot vacated. "Where is she now? I can never keep up with her. And how do you know her name?"

"She'd gone upstairs. And it's on her Christmas sock."

"Right, I forgot. How about we go take a seat?" he asked realizing they were still standing at the foot of the stairs.

"Where is their mother?" Harriet wanted to know while Bud kept silent and only listened; he wasn't so comfortable about poking into his friend's life.

Harm only shook his head. He wasn't going to lie, but he wasn't going to say the truth either. Clay already knew and that was one too many for now, Harm preferred telling them all at once.

"Oh." But Harriet wouldn't be Harriet if she kept herself from thinking about the woman who made Harmon Rabb Jr., a distinguished fighter pilot and lawyer, settle down and raise a family. She obviously hadn't seen Hannah the way Clay did. And judging from the cute boy that was still close by his father's side, that woman had to be a blond. He had always fallen for them, she had only to remember Jordan and Renee.

The next minutes passed with Harm telling some things of his life, and Harriet bringing him up to date with life at JAG and the people he used to know.

Clay had found himself a place by one of the windows and silently stared outside.

_He was sitting on that damn red sofa, which looked so damn inviting. But he wouldn't do it, wouldn't fulfill this stupid cliché and lay down on that shrink's couch__. How had he ended up there in the first place? _

Right, the alcohol. So far he hadn't shown up on a mission drunk, he had always been sober at work. And what he was doing off the office was his own business. That was until he got called in the middle of the night on some emergency and heavily insulted the caller, still drunk from the night's visit at his favorite bar. Only the next day did he learn that the caller had been someone high up the CIA's food chain. And that was when they let him chose either to lose his job or to go see a shrink. So now he was sitting in the office of some CIA psychologist, listening to the questions on why he had turned to alcohol.

Listening to himself when he rattled on how much the CIA was asking of him, how much he had gone through these last two years, and how much the CIA kept him from leading a normal life. He understood that it truly wasn't the Company's fault, but his. He himself was always standing in the way. His parents had managed. True, he hadn't seen much of them during his childhood, but still they had managed. Why couldn't he? He'd had the chance. He had been happy when he was with Sarah. She had calmed his fears, maybe because she had known them. She had been there with him. She was the only one to truly understand. Probably that was why she had stayed, she had the same fears and nightmares. And now he saw that it had been mostly his fault that she had left. Though they shared their pain, they had never really talked about it, each of them trying to face their own demons. He hadn't been willing to talk, he had always managed it himself. And he did then, he fled into alcohol and on missions that would take him abroad for long terms. He wasn't facing his demons, he was running. Now he realized how selfish a person he had been, getting drunk in front of her, although he had learned about her past through one of his many ways. And then, one day when he returned, she was gone. They had never talked about a future, not even the present. Conversation had never been a strong point in their relationship.

Somehow he had thought that she would always stay. He had told her he loved her, he really did. And she stayed, but he screwed it up. It was his fault, only he was to blame.

That was what he realized finally lying on that red leather couch of a shrink that sat somewhere near his head so he was unable to see him, vividly scribbling down all his revelations, to later add them to his file. A file to which many black points had been added in these past two years.

Clay talked on about how much he wanted to be alone. Right now that seemed to be the only thing possible. He knew that he had to get through this alone, no one there to save him if Sarah wasn't. He hadn't many friends, honestly, he had no friends at all. And if there were some whom he might have asked for help, he hadn't kept in contact with them. After the failed mission in Paraguay, the SecNav had denied further involvement of JAG in any CIA missions. He wasn't on best terms with the Admiral, and he surely couldn't call Harm, even if he wanted to, because of all that had happened. He knew that Harm was blaming him, that he had had to resign his commission in search of Sarah, and it hadn't worked in his favor, that she had turned to him instead of Harm. And lastly, he was surely held responsible of Harm getting fired by the Company, although he didn't even had a say in that.

He had spent days at the shrink. And somehow it had helped him come to terms, to find a way to carry on. Go on being a field agent, because that was all he was and all he ever wanted to be.

Every now and then he stole a glance at the man that had left ten years ago and was now right back surrounded by friends. Still being treated like the great hero Clay knew he wasn't. Even AJ abandoned his music and came over to be with his godfather, a man he had last seen at the age of five.

When Mac joined the group, Harriet shot her a bright smile and whispered, "See, I knew it was a HE. But I would have never guessed it to be HIM."

Mac only shrugged her shoulders. She felt somewhat uncomfortable with Clay already knowing the truth. What if he told her friends? They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't probably understand when Harm and her told them either, but then again, they could tell them their reasons then. Clay doesn't know. He only thinks he does.

The three children still weren't downstairs when the doorbell rang for the third time that evening.

Mac rose to get it. Harm followed suit to greet the next guests, but remained in the doorframe of the living room.

First to enter the hall were the retired Admiral AJ Chegwidden along with his wife, Meredith.

Mac quickly hugged the woman, before she took the offered hand of the Admiral.

"Merry Christmas."

Then she turned to the little girl that was sitting on the Admiral's left arm.

"Hello princess." The girl was in a phase right now where she wanted everybody to call her princess. "Have you been a good girl?" Mac asked while shaking her hand.

"Daddy says so," she piped happily.

The Admiral put her down to take her and afterwards his wife's jacket.

Immediately the little girl walked over to the stranger that was standing by the door and watching the scene unfold.

"Hello, who are you?" she asked, her head thrown back to look up at Harm.

He knelt down before answering her. "I'm Harmon Rabb. And you are?"

"Keela and I'm three years old."

"You are a big girl then." He produced a wide flyboy smile for her, which made her smile even more. This was a cute little girl.

But she ran off when she spotted 'little' AJ. Quickly she climbed on the lap of the teenager. But he only smiled mildly. He was used to small children. And Keela seemed to really love him. She always came to him first.

The Admiral only realized Harm was there when Keela started talking to him. He hadn't seen him when they'd first entered.

"Rabb. Didn't know you were going to be here."

"Admiral. Nobody did," Harm answered.

"Hope at least Mac did know. You do remember my wife, don't you?"

"Yes, it was her who suggested it. And yes. Nice seeing you again ma'am." Politely he shook her hand.

Meanwhile Mac had greeted the next couple that came along with AJ and Meredith.

"Hi, Mac," a small voice greeted while big black eyes looked up at her.

"Hi, Damon. How are you?"

"Fine." The boy revealed his short curly hair from underneath his favorite blue winter cap.

"Rachel." Mac hugged the boy's mother who came in after her son.

"Merry Christmas. And oho, is this a new dress?" She pushed Mac a little back to admire the dress her friend was wearing.

"Yeah. I thought I'd grant myself something new."

"Is it for the one you're bringing tonight?"

"How do you know that?"

"Harriet called me to ask whether I knew who it was."

"Why did I even ask?" Mac shook her head.

"Hey, you ladies done talking?" Sturgis was stepped up behind his wife, closing the door after him.

"Guess so," Mac lightly greeted him.

"You haven't answered my question yet," Rachel reminded her.

"And I won't."

Mac took both her friends' coats and let them proceed into the living room.

"Harm. You here? That's a surprise." Sturgis was happy to see his friend again.

"Sturg. Pleasure's on my side. Long time no see."

"But that wasn't due to me. You were the one not visiting. I remember inviting you at least twice."

"I know. And I'm sorry I've missed your wedding, pal." Harm was really sorry that he had always rejected all the invitations. But he did know that coming here, even to visit either the Roberts or the Turners, meant getting to see Mac. And he was sure he couldn't stand that.

"So are we. So you still have to meet my beautiful wife. This is Rachel Turner." Sturgis affectionately wrapped his arm around his wife's midsection.

Rachel had joined both men after Mac had gone upstairs to look for the still missing children.

"It seems like there is a black hole up there, neither of the children I sent up is coming downstairs," Mac had joked before taking the steps to bring them down.

"So this is the infamous Harmon Rabb Jr. I've heard quite a lot about you."

Harm eyed his friend, curious as to what exactly Rachel had been told and by whom.

"Don't worry. They left the bad parts out."

Harm gave a stagy sigh while he led the way into the living room that looked crowed by now.

Keela was still on AJ's lap, both of them now listening to his music.

Damon had found Kenny and was chasing him around the partly set dinning table.

Meredith had joined Harriet and Bud by the tree, while AJ was standing next to Clay trying to get a little small talk started.

"Webb. You look like you'd rather be some place else." The manner between the two men had eased after the retirement of the Admiral.

Clay shook his head, both to get rid of the thoughts that were running through his mind and to tell the Admiral no, but in truth he desperately wanted to be somewhere else, preferably in a bar of some sorts. He was still seeking the comfort of alcohol every now and then, but not as much as he used to. Seeing Harm around, hearing the laughter of his son, seeing that he was back at Sarah's side, that was too much for him. But at the same moment he needed to stay. She had promised him to explain later. And he needed to hear her explanation. So he had to play along.

"It's just something I'd better forget."

"So Sturg, I see you two have been busy since getting married."

"True. And it's the best choice I've ever made." He hugged his wife once more.

"How old?" Harm wanted to know watching Damon and his own son play.

"Damon's five and Keela has just turned three," Rachel answered, her eyes following Harm's and focusing on the two boys. "And how old is your son?"

Sturgis looked at his wife, totally thunder-struck. How did she come up with that? If Harm had finally settled down, he'd surely know. Somebody would have told him. And he wondered what his friend was going to answer. He knew Harm had always wanted to have kids, but asking him about a child that doesn't exist was kind of rude.

"Kenny's six already."

Had he really just heard what he thought he did? Does Harm really have a son?

"Sturg, pal, you're alright?" Harm had seen the strange look on his friends face.

"You have a child?" He still couldn't believe it.

"Yeah. You think raising a family was the best choice you ever made. And so did I."

Rachel softly guided her husband's face from Harm to the two young boys playing. "That's Kenny, darling."

"I still can't believe it. Harmon Rabb finally married and with a child. Why did you never tell us?"

Harm didn't know what to respond on the last part, so he was going to comment on the first and hope that his friend and his wife wouldn't realize.

"That's not quite the truth. I'm not married and I do have two children."

This very moment Jimmy, Aaron and Hannah finally joined them. They placed themselves somewhere on the floor and continued whatever they did upstairs. Mac was in trail behind.

"My daughter, who was just kind enough to join us, is nine, almost ten. Her name's Hannah." He guided their eyes towards the group of children.

Rachel's eyes lingered on the gorgeous girl for a moment, but returned to Harm in time to see him softly touching Mac's hand when she walked past him to join Harriet, Bud and Meredith.

At this very moment, when Sturgis was still looking at Harm's daughter and figuring his friend out, his own little girl came running to him, hugging his legs and demanding his attention.

"Daddy, can I get this horse up there in the tree?" Keela had turned to point her finger in the direction of the candy horse Harm had put there this afternoon.

Sturgis knelt down just like Harm had done before when speaking to her.

"May I get it please," he tried to correct his daughter before he took her up into his arms. "Have you asked Mac? It's her tree."

"No."

"So let's go over and ask her. Excuse us, would you."

Both Rachel and Harm smiled after the black man that was so tender with the little girl in his arms.

"I'd like to talk to Harriet for a while. That's okay with you?" Rachel asked, not wanting Harm to be left alone and feel like he's the fifth wheel.

Harm only waved her off. "I'm fine." And he really was. He felt like he was finally back to where he belonged, although he had to fit back in. He looked around. It was like they were all a big family and his kids had already blended in.

Hannah was still seated on the floor with Jimmy and Aaron on both her sides.

Kenny was showing his new plane to Damon. Both were apparently playing some sort of air fight, as Damon was holding a jet as well and they were running around doing loud engine noises. But nobody seemed to mind, they were all used to that, he assumed.

Mac was laughing with Sturgis and his daughter, who was sucking on the wanted candy horse.

Bud was talking to his oldest son and his namesake. Harm wondered why everybody was still calling him Admiral. He might have to ask Mac, though.

The three women were chatting animatedly, every now and then breaking into a giggle.

The only one left alone was Clayton Webb. The spook still stood by the window. Harm hadn't seen him move once. His face was fixed outside where the snow had started falling again. Maybe he should approach him, try to be nice. But just when he started to move, even though he didn't know what he would have talked about, Clay turned around, staring right into his eyes. And it wasn't a friendly look. So Harm decided it was better not to move any further; he stood still waiting what would happen.

Clay had felt the eyes on him. He had hoped that it were Sarah's, that she was feeling sorry for him. So he turned, he wanted to talk to her so desperately. But he only found him staring. Him of all people. The man who had destroyed it all. Clay had long ago accepted that he wasn't going to get her back as a lover, but he had worked hard to get her back as a friend. And he really thought he succeeded. They had always talked about the things that bothered her, the things that made her laugh. They had talked about everything, or so he thought. They had talked more than when they were an item. But now that he was back everything was destroyed. Clay knew that he didn't stand a chance against him, and he envied him for that. No matter how many stunts he pulled, how often he had hurt her or how long he was gone. There he was, right back in between them.

Careful to keep the hostile eye contact Clay stepped round the couch and walked towards him. He wasn't giving up that easily. If he wanted her back, he would have to fight.

But Harm didn't break away either. He knew how much Clay was hurt right now. And it lingered in Harm's eyes. Guilt of doing this to a man he had once considered a friend, pity on how this man was feeling now and insecurity on whether he was really back into their circle or if it was only for the day, as long as he was gone tomorrow.

At that moment Hannah joined her father's side to ask him something. And that made Clay back off. As much as he couldn't stand the sight of Harm, he could at least make him feel uneasy and show him how much he disliked him right now. But the little girl, Sarah's daughter, he couldn't look at her without seeing Sarah, but at the same moment he saw pictures of Sarah and Harm together. She was Harm's and not his. She could have been. If he had tried more. But then again she couldn't have been, she would always be Harm's. Sarah and he had never talked about wanting children. And that was what truly, deeply hurt him most. That he was sure Sarah didn't even consider having his child, while she surely hadn't thought twice about having Harm's.

Clay joined the three men to his right instead, while Harm walked over to where Hannah led him. And though he had now left his one man post, he still wasn't doing any talking, only listening to 'little' AJ – no, not little anymore, AJ had rejected that – the Admiral, not to mix the two AJ's, and Bud chatting about the youngest man's latest achievements in baseball.

Rachel, Harriet and Meredith were whispering only loud enough for them to understand. They didn't want to tip Mac off on what they were talking about.

"Did you know that she would bring Harm?" Meredith asked Harriet.

"No. I thought they were done. I didn't even know they were still in contact."

"But he's quite a guy. If I weren't married yet…" Rachel stated, secretly looking over to the handsome man.

"Rachel!" Harriet warned and the three of them broke into a giggle.

"And he's got these wonderful kids. I wonder why he isn't married yet."

"That's beyond me. Having a child with Harmon Rabb, how could one walk away after that?" Harriet was still picturing the children's mother before her mind's eye.

"But maybe it's meant to be. I mean that he's back here. Did you happen to see when Mac walked back in after she came downstairs?" Rachel asked her friends.

"No. What happened?" Meredith and Harriet watched the black woman closely, not to miss a word.

"Mac shortly touched him when she walked by. If the lights had been out, you could have seen the sparks flowing between these two."

"Oh my gosh." Meredith looked at Mac who was still talking to Sturgis. "I should have known from that dress she wears."

"And if that hadn't tipped you off, you should look at her fireplace," Harriet hinted, a huge smile playing round her lips.

"Oh, that's so cute." Rachel and Meredith inspected the stockings hanging from the MacKenzie fireplace.

And all of the women broke into another round of giggling.

Shortly afterwards Damon and Kenny turned up by the Admiral's side.

"Admiral, will you tell us a story? It's boring," the five-year old asked his black eyes wide open to underline the importance of his question.

"Sure," he looked down at the two boys. "You have to be Kenny." He hadn't greeted the youngest Rabb yet.

"Yeah. Are you a true Admiral?" Kenny was at awe of the big bald man, even though he smiled down at him.

"Yes, but a retired one."

"Doesn't matter. I have never met an Admiral before," Kenny stated now proudly shaking the hand of a real Admiral.

Surely he had forgotten about the day he had spent with Admiral Tom Boone when Harm hadn't found another babysitter and talked the Admiral into taking care of an 11 months old child.

The Admiral settled down onto the smaller of the couches, Damon right by his side and Kenny sitting on the floor next to his feet. As the stories of the Admiral were liked by all, Bud and AJ placed themselves within earshot of the Admiral. Clay retreated to the window, where he was able to spend the time hanging onto his own thoughts. He wasn't in the mood for a story.

When Harriet joined her husband to share the recent developments with him, she realized the Admiral was just starting a story, so she stored the matter in her mind and made herself comfortable in her husband's arms.

As the constant murmur of talking had lessened, due to half of the people waiting on the Admiral to begin his story, Mac turned around to have a look.

"Oh, we hear another story." And she walked over to Harm and the children, for they hadn't heard obviously.

"Would you come here please?" she asked.

And when Jimmy and Aaron realized what they had almost missed, they hurried over to where the Admiral was and dragged Hannah along. They gathered round the Admiral, Hannah joining her brother on the floor and Jimmy and Aaron seating themselves on the small table.

"What is it?" Harm whispered when he stepped up to Mac.

"Just wait and listen." She sat next to Harriet.

And as Sturgis had taken the only armchair, his daughter cradled onto his lap and his wife sitting on the armrest leaning against him, Harm was left without a place. So he positioned himself behind Mac, both his hands on the back of the couch, almost touching her shoulder. Whereas Mac leaned her head back, so her cheek came to rest on his fingers.

Rachel shot Meredith a smile after she looked at the two.

So finally now the Admiral was starting his story.

"On a day like today, twenty years back, when the snow was heavily falling outside, two little…"

ooooo

They were well into the story when the doorbell rang again.

Mac wanted to get up, but Harm placed a hand on her shoulder keeping her down.

"I'll get it."

"Oh my god!" Bobbie Latham was totally taken by surprise when she saw who was holding the door open for her.

"Harm would do." He shot her his famous flyboy grin.

"Still thinking high of yourself, aren't you?"

"Merry Christmas Bobbie. Come on in, I'm freezing."

Breaking out of her reverie the woman took three steps so Harm could close the door.

"How come you're here?"

He took her jacket and placed it on the rack.

"Actually my kids brought me here."

Again Bobbie was taken by surprise. Harmon Rabb had finally committed to someone. She'd thought she'd never see the day, unless it was Mac. But she surely wasn't.

"You have kids?"

"Why is everybody so surprised on that?" The only one not being surprised so far had been Harriet.

"I just thought you were a kid yourself."

"Don't you think I've grown over the years?" he asked, a little concerned if she was really thinking that he couldn't take the responsibility of a child.

"Obviously you did. And I didn't want to offend you. I'm sorry. Sure you are a great father."

"Thanks. So let's get in. You're missing one of the Admiral's stories. I've heard they are great." He led her through the opening and into the room.

Immediately Keela came rushing forward. "Aunt Bobbie, Aunt Bobbie!"

Bobbie took the girl up and walked over to say hello to everybody.

"So can we continue?" the Admiral asked in his best commanding manner.

"Yes," came the reply from Damon.

Harm resumed his place behind Mac, while Bobbie kept standing next to Bud with Keela in her arms.

Sturgis softly smiled at the woman that he had once loved and that was now the godmother of both his children and a dear friend. Fondly he squeezed his wife's hand he was holding in his. He was a happy man.


	19. Time For Dinner And The Truth

**19 – Time For Dinner And The Truth  
**

When the Admiral finished his story, it was time for dinner.

"Thank you, Admiral," Mac said getting up. "I'm going to bring in the dinner now. It won't be long."

"Do you need any help?" Harriet wanted to know, getting up herself.

"No thanks. You can relax. It's a party, you're not here to work. And besides, Harm is going to help me."

"Am I?" Harm teased.

"You'd better," Mac said, already pushing him out of the room in front of her.

"What was that?" Bobbie asked Harriet, who now stood by her side.

"I almost forgot that you don't know yet."

"What have I missed?" She released Keela to fully concentrate on what Harriet was going to tell her.

And Harriet filled her in on recent events and the assumptions resulting from them.

"And you know that how?"

"Just by looking closely. And knowing them both."

"I hope you're right. And he just came back, kids in tow, to be with her?"

"We don't know for sure. They haven't said anything yet. He was just here. Like he was never gone."

Both women turned when they heard somebody sigh.

Clay had overheard them talking, and it had only confirmed his own thoughts. He wasn't the only one seeing it then. But obviously he was the only one being concerned. Being afraid that Sarah would be hurt again. That Harm was doing what he always did. For a short moment he thought about telling them his secret, that Harm's daughter was Sarah's daughter, just to get them as confused as he was. But he had somehow promised her not to, and he didn't even know the full story yet. So who was he to tell? Yet one thing was sure, if he told them now, it would hurt Sarah. And that was something he tried never to do again.

Meanwhile, Harm had set up the kids' table and now both he and Mac were running back and forth between the living room and the kitchen.

He had just placed the lasagna on the bigger table when he ran into Mac who had just put the last plates onto the kids' table.

"Whoa, careful Marine." He pulled back his arms which had instinctively wrapped around her to keep her from falling.

"Don't move," Meredith shouted and everybody looked at her in surprise. "Look where you're standing."

All eyes moved up to the little mistletoe that hung above Harm and Mac.

"Who placed that there?" Harm whispered.

"I did. It's always there," Mac whispered back, a small smile playing round her lips. She had hoped to catch him underneath it, though not in front of all their friends. And especially not in front of Clay, considering what he had just found out. But it couldn't be helped now and she was going to make the best of the situation.

Her hands lingered on Harm's hips to give her some stability, she needed to hold on to something. Slowly she tipped her head a bit to the right. All adults' eyes were now focused on both of them. She didn't need to get her head up that much. Her shoes gave her an additional height, so she was nearly eyelevel with him.

Finally he reacted. His head tipped off to the other side. But his arms still hung loosely beside his body. He just didn't know what to do with them right now. He didn't know what to do at all. He just acted on impulse. So suddenly his head was moving forward, his lips coming to meet with hers.

Only softly they touched. A mistletoe kiss. A kiss between friends. He backed away, his lips losing contact with hers. He could see her eyes shut, she hadn't moved. Her lips were still shimmering from the sweat that had formed on his beforehand.

And that was when his heart kicked in and he knew what to do.

He placed his hands on her back, slowly they made their way up her back until they came to a halt on her shoulder blades, his fingertips almost touching her hair. His head moved back towards her. His lips touched hers again. His tongue softly played against her still closed lips. His eyes had closed when he sensed the sweetness of her lips.

She felt him back away. She wanted to stop him, hold on to this forever. Wanted to taste his lips forevermore. Then she felt his hands on her back and a warm feeling resulting from his touch spreading all over her body. On impulse her hands moved from his hips further around his waist, pulling him closer, pulling him near. And then they were back, his lips on hers. The softness, the warmth. She felt his tongue against her lips. Slowly she parted them to admit it in.

All this happened in a moment that was nothing more than half a minute to all that watched, but hours to both Mac and Harm.

When they parted after that passionate kiss, they looked at each other for a moment, wanting to make sure that all the feelings laid into the kiss were true.

They slightly blushed when they turned to face their friends. They hadn't expected this kiss to happen. But what greeted them were huge smiles on every face. Every face except Clay's. He hadn't wanted to look, but he hadn't been able to focus his eyes somewhere else either. And it was only then, when they parted and looked each other in the eyes, that he truly and fully understood that he had never been her best friend. That he had always been the second choice because he wasn't there. And that it would always be Rabb whom she loved, no matter how far away he might be. And he, Clayton Webb had to accept that and go on with his life. Remember all the moments they had had.

Mac saw the pain in Clay's eyes. She knew they shouldn't have done this. In time she would have to explain it to him. And not them, but her. She owed as much to him. But right now was neither the place nor the time.

So she took Harm by the hand, and dragged him along into the kitchen. There was still a dinner that needed to be served.

"That's what I call a kiss," Bobbie exclaimed as soon as Mac and Harm had vanished into the kitchen.

Harm softly kissed Mac's cheek when she let go of his hand so she could get the salad bowl.

"That was wonderful. You are wonderful. And I'm afraid I haven't said it yet, but you look wonderful." He kissed her again.

"Thanks." But that was all Mac replied to that. No smile. No hug. And certainly no kiss in return. Her mind was still set on Clay and the pain she caused. It was always her to hurt the men around her. It was always her fault.

Silently, she reached for the salad and left the kitchen, leaving a stunned Harm behind.

'What was that? Did I do something wrong?' Harm didn't know what to think. What had happened to Mac during the short time between their kiss and now? He thought he had seen the love in her eyes when they parted. He was sure of that. Could he have been so wrong?

He reached for the carafes of water and nonalcoholic cider to bring them into the living room when Mac already returned.

She took both his hands in hers, turning him away from the waiting items.

"Harm, I'm sorry. This wasn't about you." She knew she needed to apologize, the last thing she wanted was to screw things up before they fully started. "And thank you, I bought this dress for you."

"Oh, it's my Christmas present then." He took her into his arms, her hands still in his, now resting on her back. "May I unwrap it?"

"No. At least not now." She placed a soft kiss on his lips but quickly backed away.

He was glad that he hadn't done anything wrong, though he still wondered what Mac had thought about minutes ago.

"Hey, how long 'til dinner?" It was Sturgis who stood in the door. "Oh sorry, didn't mean to disturb you." And with a wide grin he retreated back into the living room, surely sharing what he saw with the rest of the gang.

"This house is far too crowded," Harm said, but let go of Mac nonetheless, reaching for the carafes instead.

Mac laughed and went to get the last item, the meat. She had just taken it out of the oven ten minutes prior and it smelled wonderful.

"Let's eat." She placed the plate in the middle of the already full table and immediately her guests started to walk over towards her.

Harm was unsure where he was supposed to sit, so he opted for seeing to getting his kids seated first and taking the seat that was left afterwards.

Both Mac and Rachel stood by the children's table, making sure that each of the younger children had an older to help them by their side. There wasn't much left to do for Harm, so he just stood between the tables, watching all the people moving around and enjoying themselves.

The Admiral and Meredith were the first to sit. And from there everybody else searched their place at the round table. It seemed like they had developed a regular seating arrangement over the years. Bobbie found her place between Bud, whose wife sat by his other side, and Meredith. Sturgis took the place next to AJ, who was already too old to be seated at the children's table, leaving the chair between himself and the Admiral free. Surely Rachel was going to sit there once she was done with the kids.

When Rachel walked past him to get to her place, Harm looked at the kids and had to smile. They had already started eating while not even all adults had seated themselves. When Harm looked back at the other table he saw Clay pulling back the chair next to AJ, so he could sit down.

Two chairs were left; Mac's and and the one Harm was going to sit at. If he hadn't been there, Mac would have apparently sat right between Harriet and Clay. He wondered which of the chairs she was going to take now.

"Move, sailor," Mac said from behind him, her hand on the small of his back, when Harm wasn't making any attempt to get seated.

But Harm wouldn't be the one to choose, he would take the last chair left. He turned slightly so that she was standing next to him, and he could lead her to the table.

Slowly Mac moved forward, carefully seeking the eyes of Clay. Would he like her to still be seated by his side like nothing had changed, or would he rather not sit next to her? But he surely would like as much space between him and Harm as possible, whereas Harriet wouldn't mind having Harm by her side. So Mac went for the chair next to Clay and pulled it back.

Harm sighed silently. He gladly placed himself next to Harriet. He didn't know what would have happened with him and Clay that close, even though they were both civilized adults.

"Help yourself," Mac started the dinner and hands reached out for the many bowls, all filled with wonderfully smelling dishes.

An easy chatter filled the room during the meal. Even Clay joined in a few times. All enjoyed the dinner and the get together. Every now and then a watchful eye fell on the children at the other table, but so far everything was well – Mac's floor still had the same color as before the dinner started.

After quite a while the guests leaned back and retreated from eating one after the other, only sipping on their drinks once in a while.

"Mac, that lasagna was delicious. I've eaten far too much," Rachel said, her hand patting her stomach to emphasize her words.

"Sorry I didn't have anything to do with that. That's totally Harm's work."

"My biggest thanks to the cook." She smiled at Harm. "Would you mind giving me the recipe, or is it some family secret?"

"Thank you. No, it isn't. Just remind me and I'll give it to you. It's not that hard to do."

"Paw, that was good." Jimmy stood from the other table and was now on his way to the sofa to lie down for a while.

Once Jimmy had left the table, the other children followed suit. Aaron joined his friend. Kenny and Damon went back to the planes that had been left by the window, forgotten when Mac had called for dinner. Keela and Hannah came over to their parents, the younger girl climbing into the lap of her mother and closing her eyes to get some rest. Hannah stepped between her parents.

"Thanks for the dinner, mum."

Clay winced hearing the words. He did know, or better he did assume that Sarah was the girl's mother. It was the only explanation, but still, he could have been mistaken, there could have been another reason. But hearing these few words made it final, made it real.

But Clay wasn't the only one who heard them. AJ did as well.

"Mac, did Hannah just say 'mum' to you?"

All other conversation died in an instant and all eyes focused on Mac, waiting for an answer.

"It's kind of significant that it's you AJ who brings it up." She made a short pause, pondering on how to go on. "There is something we, Harm and I…" She felt him squeeze her hand, which he had taken moments before. "…we gotta tell you. It started the day little AJ was born. This day had been quite a roller coaster ride for me. Harm was about to leave my life and we had just experienced the greatest miracle on earth. I felt completely lost, I still remember that. That was when Harm offered me a deal."

_"You ok?" _

_"Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together somebody comes along and jumbles them back up. Everybody who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life."_

_"It'll be OK, Mac, you'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own."_

_"Not at this rate. My biological clock is going off, and I keep hitting the snooze button."_

_"Tell you what, five years from this moment if neither one of us is in a relationship, we'll go halves on a kid."_

_"You and me, have a baby together?"_

_"With your looks and my brains, he'll be perfect."_

_"What if SHE has your looks and my brains?"_

_"That could work too."_

_"Don't make a promise you can't keep."_

_"I haven't yet." _

"Oh my god." Harriet stared wide-eyed at her two friends and the girl standing between them. When? How? Hannah must surely be older than Aaron or she would have known. But wouldn't she have known anyway? Nobody could hide a child.

"But we didn't go halves on a child exactly," Harm continued.

Harriet wondered, had she been wrong?

"We had two children, twins."

"Yes, I'm Hannah's mother." Mac looked right into Clay's eyes when she spoke the words, before she broke the contact to smile at her daughter who now leaned against her father.

"And Aaron is my son," Harm said, just to make sure the message came across.

"Oh my god." Once again it was Harriet who articulated her disbelief. "And you just did it." She nearly cried now, her voice already a little edgy.

"What? Yes, Harm and I decided to fulfill the deal when the time came."

"No, you just let her go. You let your baby girl go, never to see her again." Harriet understood pretty fast what Harm and Mac had done after the twins were born. She was crying now. Her body was shaking slightly in the arms Bud had wrapped around her. She just didn't understand how a woman could let go of her child. Harriet had never seen Mac as a woman that would make such a coldhearted decision, not after she had seen how much Mac had suffered with her after the loss of baby Sarah. She just couldn't understand.

"Harriet, I didn't just…" Mac stopped when she saw her friend breaking into a new stream of tears and she remembered the day Harriet had to let her own child go, but not to live but to die. She was sorry for her friend.

"I don't understand why you made that decision," Rachel was the next to speak while she tightly hugged her own child to her chest. She could have never let go.

"See, the way things were, we didn't see our children getting what we wanted them to have: a carefree and easy childhood," Harm stepped up to help Mac who seemed to be the only target of her friends, his participation in all of that totally forgotten.

"So you said, let's split them up. They are two, we are two, hell why not." Harriet had stopped crying but now her rage was rising and it was directed at Mac.

But Mac wasn't going to duck. She was a Marine and she would stand her ground. "This decision wasn't made lightheartedly. We believed it to be for the best."

"But you were wrong. Neither of you had had a family before. You acted selfishly never thinking of your children."

"How do you know? Both Hannah and Aaron are happy now. They both have the happy childhood we wanted for them. Neither misses a thing." Mac's voice has risen as well.

"Except a mother or a father. They would have had a happy childhood together."

"You don't know that."

"And neither do you."

Just when Mac was about to reply, the Admiral stepped in and yelled in his best superior's voice "Stand down, both of you, that's an order," and both women fell silent immediately.

"You could have tried at least," Bud whispered just loud enough for everybody to hear before he turned to calm his wife again.

And the Admiral wasn't done yet. "Colonel, Captain—," he used their ranks on purpose. He wanted them to understand that he was still the one to have the power. "I don't understand both of you. And from the ladies' reactions I assume none of your friends around this table does. But we probably don't need to. We just have to get used to it. But the thing I want to understand is, why in the hell did you two go through with this despite, and I quote, the way things were, end quote. At least one of you should have been wise enough to say no. I see the Commander coming up with a silly idea like this, but I don't see you Colonel going along and saying yes. What were you thinking, were you thinking at all?" He was totally in rage and he didn't even know why. Obviously both kids had a good enough childhood so far and there wasn't much damage done. But maybe it was because Mac hadn't been honest and neither had Harm. It felt like a betrayal and he hated to be betrayed.

"Sir," Mac had to swallow hard upon hearing the Admiral's words. In a way they were true. She hadn't been thinking much, neither on the day she accepted the deal, nor when they finally decided to go through with it. At least not about declining the offer. Having a child, especially a child with Harm, had been a dream of hers for so long she wasn't going to wait for another chance.

"Sir, I thought having Harm's child would give me somebody I could love the way I would have loved him. I've known in my heart that we were meant to be, but just couldn't make it there. And with the earlier developments, I thought we never would. So having his child I knew he would love deeply was my way to hold on to him. To have him in my life for always, even if he would leave one day."

Harm stared at her, she had never told him, and he had never told her that he felt something similar.

_They sat in her office, discussing the case they currently counseled__ on opposite sides. _

"Oh come on Harm, you know the Ensign is guilty. And you can do nothing about it."

"I always can—" he started, but was interrupted by a knock on the open door.

"Excuse me ma'am, sir, Harriet asked me to remind you of little AJ's birthday party this Saturday," Bud told his oldest son's godparents.

For a short moment Mac shared a glance with Harm before she answered for both of them, "We'll be there."

"Great." The Lieutenant smiled and was out of the door.

Silence spread in the room after he left. Both Harm and Mac knew pretty well which birthday they were going to celebrate that weekend, and what it meant for them.

Mac was the first to speak after they had stared at the desk between them for a while.

"It's his fifth birthday."

"I know."

"We do need to talk about it, don't you think?"

He nodded his head. "My apartment tonight? I could make dinner," he finally offered.

"Alright."

The awkward silence went on for a few moments more, both of them feeling quite uneasy about this special topic that had hovered over them for the last several days.

"About Ensign Knos—" Harm finally turned the talk towards work again.

_He'd just taken the bread out of the oven when his doorbell rang. He checked his watch. She was right on time. She always was. His insecurity and uneasiness rose again when he crossed the room for the door. _

_She felt pretty nervous standing outside of his apartment, waiting for him to open the door. Was she ready for what there was to come? Was there anything to come after all, or would they just push it aside as something that had happened in the heat of the moment? Her hands were becoming sweaty. She rubbed them on her jeans._

_He opened the door, and there she stood. As beautiful as ever. He motioned her in with a smile._

_"Right on time; dinner's just ready."_

_She moved past him, returning his smile. She heard him follow her to the table. He had placed the plates opposite each other, so they needed to look at each other. She smelt the scent of the fresh bread._

_Mac opted for staying on safe ground during dinner, so she talked about their case once again. And he gladly took the offered distraction._

_But the plates were empty faster than either of them had hoped, and there wasn't much to talk about on the case either, so once again the awkward silence fell over them._

_"Let's move over to the couch and get more comfortable," Harm suggested taking his glass, and began to stand up, though he doubted that he could get comfortable with what lay ahead._

_Mac silently followed him, but seated herself into the other corner of the couch putting quite some space between them. She sipped at her drink for the lack of anything else to do.  
Unaware of his actions, as his thoughts were elsewhere, Harm copied her actions, but put the glass down afterwards. _

_"Mac, I want you to know that I'll be there. I'll be there for you, I'll be there to keep my promise. If you still want me to."_

_He took the first step. He told her that he still wanted to fulfill their deal. Now it was up to her whether she still wanted to go through with their deal or not._

_That was so typical of him. Leaving the decision for her to make. But at least he hadn't backed out and he said he wouldn't. She took a deep breath. She knew that she still wanted to have his child, now more than back then, but telling him was another matter entirely and so much harder to do. _

_He closed his eyes when he heard her take that sharp breath. Wasn't she willing to fulfill their deal anymore? He surely was. But could he blame her for not wanting to after all they've gone through? No he couldn't. And he'd leave the decision up to her. He wasn't going to pressure her. Ever since he'd learned about her break up with Webb and as this day was getting closer, he had thought about asking her, but had hesitated, fearing she'd say no and he'd lose this last chance for being with her._

_She saw him close his eyes, mentally preparing for her answer. Did he fear it? What did he fear? That she would say yes, or that she'd say no?_

_"Yes, I still do." She'd spoken the words softly. "But I want to know what you want." She leaned closer to him, her eyes trying to capture his._

_"I'm going to keep my promise. I always have."_

_"I know that. But I want to know what you want Harm, in your heart." She wasn't going to do it if he didn't want it too._

_"I – I want this child with you," he answered, his eyes finally locking with hers. And silently he added, "And to be with you."_

_So they had agreed on having a child together. Something inside of Mac wanted her to get up and move over to him, to be close to him, to never part. But her rational part told her not to do this, or maybe she would scare him away again and destroy everything there could eventually be._

_"Do you want—", "I'm going—" they both started at the same moment, "—another glass of iced tea?" Harm finished while Mac ended with "—to the toilet."_

_He managed a small laugh. "I assume you don't need another glass then."_

_"No, I don't think so." She shot him a little smile before she turned to head for his bathroom._

_Now that they'd taken the first step, how about the second._

_"How do you want this to happen?" While in the bathroom, she gathered all her strength to ask this question. _

_Nothing he would say could change the fact that she, Sarah MacKenzie, was finally going to carry his child. But still she feared what he might answer. She had dreamt about being with him, really being with him. And maybe now her dreams would come true._

_He thought a moment about her question. What did she expect him to say? But then he remembered her question on what he really wanted. And he wanted to be with her. Love her, touch her, smell her, taste her. Yes, that was what he wanted, what he had wanted for a long time now. And maybe this was their last and final chance to get onto the same road, were they would finally face their fears and find a way through._

_"I thought we'd try the natural way first. If this doesn't work, we can try something else." He closely watched her reaction, was she shocked or pleased about his answer. And when he saw her eyes shining, he knew that she wanted it too._

_So there they were. They were going to spend a night together, maybe even several nights, what both of them were silently hoping for. They would try to have a child. A child both of them wished for so deeply. They finally took a step in the direction they had been too afraid of going in the past._

_Before Mac left, they had agreed to rather let the night happen someplace else, as they would surely feel way too nervous and uncomfortable at either of their apartments. They'd felt awkward tonight at his place, only talking about it._

_Closing the door behind her, Harm leaned against it, thinking about what they had just decided. He was going to father Sarah MacKenzie's child. And maybe, if he was lucky, he would get what he had long hoped for. Maybe he would not only have her child, but her in his life forever. "Thank you, Sarah," he whispered._

"Sir, I was thinking when I offered the deal and afterwards. I knew that this was all I ever wanted," Harm told the Admiral, but his eyes never left hers.

"Then why did you part, if all you ever wanted was being together?" Bobbie questioned.

"We thought about it, trying. But in the end we saw that we couldn't build our relationship on our children. If we weren't able to make it before, how could we with two little ones around? And what if we tried but failed and hurt each other again? Too deeply this time to carry on; what would that have meant to the kids? We wouldn't have done that to them. But that was what we feared all the time. Screwing things up like we always did." It somehow sounded lame to his ears, but these had been their reasons why, cowardly maybe, wrong even, yet they couldn't be changed now.

"But how could you just let go of your child?" Harriet still had tears in her voice.

"Believe me Harriet, it was the hardest thing either Harm or I had ever done. And I dreaded this decision each and every day. But what helped was that I knew that she was going with someone that loved her just as much as I did. And I knew she would be safe and sound. But still I gave away a part of me the day Harm went out of my door taking that little girl out of my life." She reached out to take her daughter's hand.

And Hannah took it, smiling at her mother. All this was new to her, although that had been the third time she had heard the general story. But just like Aaron in the pizzeria, she had only now learned that her mother did always love her. And she knew that she would love her mother, no matter how long or short she'd known her.

Clay didn't hear most of that, only parts of the conversation invaded his thoughts. So she had been planning this. He thought it had happened in the heat of the moment. He'd always known that this could happen between these two. Everybody who'd ever been near them had. But that they had it planned, planned for five years, shocked him. That was why she had never talked about a future with him. It was because she had laid it out already, and he wasn't part of it, he served her only to pass the time. Time until she would get what she really wanted, Harm.

But he did hear her reasoning on why she did go through with that damn deal.

"So you loved him back then." It was a statement, not a question. He finally looked at her.

"I did." She locked her eyes with his, didn't want him to break the contact. "I loved you too, Clay. Always be sure of that."

Yes, she had loved him, maybe loved him more than she had loved Mic, but still she had loved him for the wrong reasons. She had loved him for being there, for understanding what she'd been through. But when he had turned from her to alcohol and missions abroad, she had slowly realized that she had loved him for being there when Harm wasn't. That she had used him like she had used Mic. Only now it was her who drew the line. And she knew she had been right to take that step, she had found a very good friend in Clayton Webb. A friend he would have never been if they had carried on with their relationship.

"Just not enough. Not enough to have a child with me. Not enough to make it work."

"Clay." She reached for both his hands and took them into hers while the others followed the conversation silently. She had already explained him her reasons of leaving when they were back on solid ground after their break up. Not all of the reasons, but most of them; she figured she'd better leave Harm out of that, especially with him already gone. "Clay, I tried, you tried. We didn't make it. But that's got nothing to do with me not loving you." No, it hadn't. It had hurt her very badly when she left; part of her had felt like she should have stayed, tried harder. But deep inside she had known that this relationship would only fool him and her. And she knew that he knew as well.

"Only with you loving him more."

Mac nodded softly.

"And me being some stupid jerk. But I'm thankful for having got you back for a friend, Sarah." It was the first time he had called her by her given name since that night in the hospital. Somehow he had taken to using her nickname; it was a line he had figured he'd better not cross – it had helped him seeing her as a friend.

"Me too. You're the best friend a girl could wish for." She gave his hands a confirming squeeze.

'As long as Harm isn't around.' He knew pretty well that now that Harm was back in her life, he was also back as her best friend. Nobody could ever get between them. And Clay just wasn't at a point yet where he could be glad for Harm having found his way back to his family and to her side, neither as friend, nor as lover. So he kept the thought to himself, offering her just a small smile.

After a while during which nobody had said a word, Mac got up to clean the table. "Anybody want to take something home? Rachel, how about the last piece of lasagna?"

"Oh okay, thank you," she answered, only now breaking out of her reverie.

Mac reached for the two bowls closest to her, the last bits of potatoes and carrots. Quickly she turned and vanished round the corner of the room. She felt the need to get away for a moment.

Harm took the lasagna and a second piece of china and followed her. He found her leaning against one of the kitchen counters, her back towards him. Putting the items down, he walked over to her. Softly he took her shoulders and turned her around. Tears had begun to fill her eyes. He placed his hands on the sides of her face, his thumbs brushing over her cheeks tenderly, taking away the tears that found their way out of her eyes.

"You're okay?" he asked though he could see she wasn't.

Still she nodded, but her words belied her gesture. "Why did they blame it on me only? You've been there with me, you've made the same decisions. But they only thought I'm a bad mother."

"Hey, don't think that, I know you're the best mother in the world," he tried to assure her, guiding her face slightly upwards so he could look her into the eyes.

"They don't think so. Have you seen Harriet's and Rachel's eyes? They hate me for what I did."

"Mac, you haven't done it alone. And WE've done it for the best of Hannah and Aaron."

"Then why did nobody said that you are coldhearted? Why did I get all the blame?" She tried hard not to break into tears, but her friends' words had wounded her deeply.

"I've only just come back after ten years. Yes, they are my friends, but still I'm an outsider. But you, you're part of their family, they've known you for so long. That is why they are so shocked. And maybe everybody thought me capable of such a thing as the Admiral said, though I don't know why they would."

Mac thought a moment about his words. Probably he was right. They didn't know him anymore, none of them had known anything about his life. He could have moved abroad, without anybody of them, including her, even knowing. He hadn't been a part of their lives.

"Do you think we made the right decision back then?" Mac's eyes showed her insecurity.

'No, I don't anymore,' he thought while he said, "That doesn't matter now. We've made our decision, we can't take it back. We've lived with it for all those years. We can't change the past. But we're about to make new decisions, see what the future brings. And first the future brings Christmas Mass in 25 minutes." He kissed her cheek to catch the last tear rolling down.

"27 and 14 seconds," she corrected him, a little smile now gracing her lips.

"Is mum okay?" Aaron had waited by the kitchen door. He had seen his mother practically run into the kitchen and normally he would have gone after her, but Harm had been faster. So he stayed, accepting that maybe now Harm was better for the job.

Harm leaned down to his son, seeing the worry in the boy's eyes. "She is. But you could still go in there and make her laugh a little, she might need it." He clapped him on the shoulder to make him move.

"I know just the right joke for her, Damon told it during dinner." Aaron shot his father a well-known smile before he pushed the door open and joined his mother in the kitchen.

Harm's eyes stayed on the closing door for a while before he got back up to get the rest of the table cleaned up.

Sturgis and Bobbie silently helped him gather the plates and pile them up at one side of the table while Bud still tried to comfort his wife. Rachel quietly talked with Hannah, holding Keela still on her arm. In fact the whole room was strangely quiet. Even Kenny and Damon weren't making much noise. If you listened closely, you could hear the wind rattling outside.

When Harm heard the kitchen door open after some minutes, his eyes searched Mac's, wanting to know if she was better now. And the shining of her eyes, the smile that lingered on her face and the arm she got wrapped round her smiling son were proof that she was. Both of them walked towards him.

"Thank you," she whispered. Aaron had told her that Harm had sent him in with the joke.

Harm smiled, glad that she wasn't crying anymore. "I'll get this done," he motioned to the table, "and you get yourself ready for church." Her eyes were slightly red from crying and he was sure that she'd rather put some make up on.

"Thanks for cheering me up, sweetie. Would you help Harm now?" Mac leaned down to kiss her son's cheek.

Both males watched her when she climbed the stairs.

"They didn't take it well."

"No they didn't; they blamed it on your mum," Harm answered, searching the eyes of his son.

"But she'll be okay?" During this last half a year his mother had changed a lot, and somehow Aaron felt insecure about it. He had liked how she had been before.

"As long as she has you, I'm sure she will."

"And you?" Aaron was starting to feel that maybe he wasn't enough for his mother anymore. And that maybe he needed his father and sister around too.

Harm didn't know what to answer. Sure enough he wanted to stay, to be with his son and Sarah. But was that what they wanted too? "We'll see when the time comes, okay?"

"Okay," Aaron answered grabbing a pile of plates. So nothing was decided yet.

Harm followed suit. And in no time the table was cleaned, all leftovers either packed for somebody to take or put into the fridge. They were ready for church.


	20. The Time For Understanding Will Come

**20 – The Time For Understanding Will Come  
**

"You're already leaving?" Mac asked, stopping on the second stair on her way back down.

"I don't normally go to church, you know that," Clay answered, looking straight at her with nothing but admiration. He could see that she had done her hair differently than when she had first greeted him. And when she came down and stepped up next to him he could see that she had also redone her make up.

"I do, I was just asking. May I walk you out?" She knew she needed to talk to him.

"Sure," he shrugged.

The wind had grown stronger these last minutes; snowflakes danced around them when both stepped out of the door. The lamp next to them switched into action and graced their surroundings with a warm yellow light, but neither of them noticed. Both were lost in thought.

Clay led the way to his car. Still they weren't speaking.

They had reached his car when Mac finally found her words. "I'm sorry."

He didn't respond. What was he supposed to say anyway?

"May I call you?"

"You've got my number."

"Will you pick up the phone when I call?"

"We'll see." He had found his keys and already opened the door. "Happy New Year, Sarah." Somewhere deep inside of him he really wished for her to be happy, yet right now what he said was more of a traditional formula than anything else. And he was sure that he wouldn't be capable of talking to her until that much time had past at least.

"To you as well, Clay." 'I really hope so,' she added to herself.

He nodded the last goodbye before he slipped into his car, turned the keys and took off, leaving her standing alone in the dancing snow.

For a while she just stood where he had left her, looking at the windows of her neighbors, her arms wrapped around herself. Lights shone behind those windows, people were happy there. Slowly she turned to head back home. She thought about the families living behind those windows, families she'd known for years. How she had secretly envied them what they had.

When she was back at her own house, she remained in her front yard for a while, just looking at her own windows like she had looked at her neighbors'. She saw the big tree that Harm and the kids had decorated. She saw the Admiral talking with Rachel and Bud. Saw AJ sitting on one of the window benches, waving at her.

No, this year she wasn't envying any of her neighbors, this year she had all that herself. She had great friends, she knew that they would still be her friends once they'd overcome the first shock, and finally she had all her family back. She had everything she'd ever dreamt of, at least for the time being. And there was no need to think about the future right now. So with the smile returning to her lips and eyes, she walked the short way to the front door and back in.

"It's time for church."

Some of them checked their watches out of reflex, but all came over and gathered in the hall to get their things. One after another the families left the house, heading for their respective cars, to meet back at the church.

Harm and Mac were the last to step into the cold.

"Clay already gone?" Harm wanted to know after he hadn't seen him leaving the house with them.

"He's only rarely coming to church with us."

"Will he be okay?"

"Clay will fight through, I'm sure of that. One day he will understand."

"Are you okay?" His eyes had grown sincere.

"You ask me that a lot lately."

"That's because I really wanna know."

"I am, now." She softly kissed his lips before she took his hand to pull him towards her car and the waiting children.

ooooo

They stood in front of the church after the service had ended. People walked past the group, filtering out of the building. It was time to get home, time to part. But none of them wanted to be the first. They stood in a little circle, their backs to the wind and the snow, and were doing some chatting on nothing special or urgent. They just wanted to stretch the moment as far as possible.

But with Keela and Kenny already fast asleep in their fathers' arms and Damon very close behind, they eventually had to say goodbye.

Rachel hugged Mac and whispered, "Good luck Mac. I hope everything works out the way you want it. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you. And Merry Christmas to all of you as well." She released her friend and softly brushed her hand over Damon's head for goodbye.

"Pal, look at us, the last time we saw each other, we would have laughed about the picture we're presenting now. Both of us whispering not to wake our sleeping children." Sturgis smiled at Harm when they shook hands.

"Ten years is a long time. But I don't want it any different," Harm answered, pressing his cheek against the head of his youngest son.

"Glad that you finally see what's best for you." He clapped his friend's shoulder before he joined his wife and both headed for their car, each of them carrying a child.

Bobbie was the next to say goodbye. She turned to Harm first. "I've always known that the two of you belong together. Don't screw it up Harm." She kissed his cheek.

Harm didn't know how to respond. He hoped for the same. .

"You've just got an adorable daughter," Bobbie said addressing Mac. And after a while she added, "and an adorable man. I hope things finally go well for the two of you."

Mac hugged the woman that had grown to be a good friend over the years. "After all those years we might finally be ready to face things. Get home safely, Bobbie."

Meanwhile the Admiral had stepped up to Harm. "Rabb!" he warned and Harm knew that he'd better try to make things work between him and Mac or he would have to face a very angry Seal. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

"Merry Christmas, Admiral."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you Admiral," Mac said when he turned towards her.

"I would have been pleased if you had told me, but still, it's your life and it had been your decision. I hope you're happy Mac." He squeezed her hand.

"I am." Yes, she was.

"But I expect to be informed about the wedding way before both of you celebrate your golden anniversary."

"Sir, we're—", "AJ, we're not—" Harm and Mac said in unison.

"At ease," the Admiral laughed.

"He's only joking." Meredith took her husband's arm and softly pulled him away from the couple. "Happy Christmas to all of you."

"No, I'm not," AJ argued before he gave in to his wife's pulling.

In the end the only ones left were the Roberts. For a few minutes nobody moved. All four adults watched Hannah, Aaron and Jimmy play in the snow. It was like Hannah had always been a part this little group. She fitted in so naturally.

That was the very moment Harriet realized how much it meant for Mac that her daughter and Harm had come back into her life. And she saw how much Mac had changed over those few days. Though she had been happy all those years Harm had been gone, she was now happy in a very different way. Her happiness seemed to have taken hold of her whole body and she radiated it. Harriet had seen it when she'd spoken to Mac the day before in her kitchen and had experienced it tonight before they revealed their secret. So when Harriet turned towards her best friend now, she felt sorry for the things she had said earlier that day.

"Mac, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to remind you of your loss," Mac responded.

"I shouldn't have said that you've acted selfishly. One can see that both Hannah and Aaron are happy."

"But you were right, neither me nor Harm could have known if they would have been unhappy if we'd stayed together. Maybe both of us have just to accept that this is how it is."

"As long as you are happy, I'm happy for you, Mac."

"I am happy, but I'm afraid," Mac revealed.

"Everything will work out just fine. I know that. You both deserve it. As do your children." Harriet squeezed Mac's hands to assure her.

"I truly hope you're right. I couldn't stand them leaving again."

"They won't." Harriet hugged her once again. Silently she prayed that she was right. And then she whispered, "One day, you have to tell me all about this special night."

"One day I will." Mac's grin matched her friend's. "I'm sorry I haven't told you before. But at the beginning I feared that telling somebody would keep me from going through with it, and while I was afraid of doing it, I was at the same time afraid not to. And over the years it got harder and harder to tell anybody. So I just kept it to myself until Hannah came back into my life. And even then it was incredibly hard to finally tell the truth."

Harriet only nodded; she understood that.

Both men had taken a step aside when the women started talking. But with nothing much to talk about they remained silent and continued watching their kids play. AJ was with them, but equally quiet, listening to his music again.

"Bud, you ready to go?" Harriet wanted to know.

"Sure, sweetie." He turned to make his oldest son pay attention before he called over to the children, "Jimmy, we're going."

The next moment all hands were shaken, the last wishes of merry Christmas exchanged, and the Roberts were gone, leaving only the five MacKenzies or Rabbs standing in front of the now quiet church, people only occasionally coming out of it now.

"You look like you're going to ask me again how I feel. Don't. I'm fine," Mac said when her eyes fixed his, which were concentrated on her.

"I didn't want to. I want to tell you something else. This has to be one of the good days in life. I love being here with you; you and our kids." His free hand had reached for one of hers. Now, his thumb softly ran over the back of her hand.

"You love standing in the cold and getting wet?" Her eyes sparkled teasingly; she knew what he meant.

"No… yes. As long as you're here with me, I do."

"How about we go home, tuck the kids in bed and see if we can make the day even a little better?" She ran her index finger over the slightly cold cheek of the sleeping boy in his arms.

Harm only nodded kind of shyly, eyes cast down. What did she mean with that? Was it what he thought it was, or was she thinking something different?

"Aaron, Han."

ooooo

When home, Mac tried to relieve the sleeping child of his jacket, so Harm wouldn't need to set him down. Yet Kenny stirred and awoke.

"Go back to sleep sweetheart," Mac whispered and brushed her hand over the blond hair.

"I need to get the cookies for Santa, or he won't find me," Kenny explained still half asleep.

"Right. Aaron, would you get a big glass of milk and some cookies?" she directed her son into the kitchen. "Aaron will take care of that," she assured the little boy.

"Here you go. I've brought five cookies, one for each of us."

"Just take it over to the fireplace please."

Both Mac and Harm followed their older children across the room.

"See Kenny, there they are. You don't have to worry," Harm whispered.

And reassured by the plate of cookies Kenny rested his head back onto his father's shoulder and closed his eyes. "'kay," he mumbled already drifting off to sleep again.

Tucking the kids in bed wasn't as easy as they had thought. Kenny was the easiest, he was fast asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. And Hannah wasn't the problem either. She settled onto the mattress Mac had found for her and was nearing sleep herself. But when Aaron realized that his sibling was going to 'camp' in his room and he had to sleep in bed, he refused to do so. And to get him to sleep, Mac finally gave in and Harm placed the mattress of Aaron's bed next to his sister's.

"Now sleep. No more talking," Mac ordered fondly, her gaze wandering over the three children. But her instruction was unnecessary, both Hannah and Aaron had closed their eyes. It had been a long day for them as well.

"'Night, mum."

"Sweet dreams, Han, Aaron."

"Good night, dad," Hannah whispered sleepily.

Carefully Harm closed the door behind him and silently followed Mac down the stairs.

"Want a cookie?" She now stood in front of the fireplace, her eyes once again wandering over the five stockings – it looked so normal, so natural.

"Sure," he said, stepping up behind her.

She could feel his breath against her neck. Taking one of the cookies , she turned to face him. She held it out for him to take. And when he did, their fingers touched. Both felt the electricity that seemed to spread from the touch.

"I'll get the presents. We need to place them under the tree." She remembered well what she'd said after church. But now, she wasn't so sure about it anymore. They've only just come back together, it might be the wrong time and place.

"Alright." He tucked the cookie into his mouth and retreated to the sofa. A small part of him felt offended that she backed away. But the bigger part was sure that it was best this way. Better not to rush anything. He planned on staying for a while longer. There was no need to hurry things.

They settled back onto the couch when all presents were placed. They admired the tree, whose electric candles wrapped it in a warm light of the intensity that almost equaled that of real candles, and made the silver of the ecorations and the colorful presents underneath sparkle.

Instinctively, they had placed themselves close together. Her shoulder lightly touched his chest, his arm was placed on the back of the couch, his fingers softly playing with her hair. Neither said a word. Neither needed to. They just sat there taking in the calmness of the moment, the preciousness of these days they could spend together.

Her hand found her place on his left knee. He covered it with his. They still hadn't turned their eyes from the tree. His other hand moved through her hair until he felt the softness of her skin under his fingertips. His fingers trailed along her hairline. It made the hair on her neck stand up. Now she moved her head to look at him. She moved her body slightly so she was now fully turned towards him. Her right arm searched a way through the small opening between his body and the back of the sofa to wrap around his waist. Carefully he increased the pressure on the back of her head and pulled her nearer. His eyes searched hers and held them. He wanted to see if she would want to back out. But she didn't. Her eyes looked straight into his, showing a trust that was complete. She was now near enough to kiss. He looked at her the last time before he closed his eyes. Hers were already shut. Tenderly, he kissed the corner of her mouth. Moved towards the middle. Placed a second kiss on her lips before he reached the middle and covered all of her lips with his. She pulled her hand free from its place on his knee and moved it up his arm until it rested on his shoulder instead. Her other hand had taken a firmer hold around his waist. She was pulling him nearer as well. When her hand had left his hand, leaving only the warmth of her touch behind, he reached out and placed his hand on her hip. Her lips were now covering different places of his face. She trailed a line along his jaw, then placed a kiss on his lips, before she moved back to his chin. All through that, his hand ran through her hair, his fingers reveling in the coolness of it. Placing the last sweet kiss on his lips, she pulled her head back a little. Her eyes opened, as did his. They locked. Both pairs were shining with the joy that spread from their hearts. Slowly her hand moved down on his chest. Her fingers reached the first of the buttons of his shirt. It was already open. He had opened it after he got rid of his tie when they were placing the presents under the tree. Her fingers found their way under the fabric and touched his skin. Her nails softly circled his collarbone. Slowly they moved back towards the next button. Opened it. Still their eyes were locked. Her fingertips felt the smoothness of his skin. She went to open another button. Her hand moved over his breast muscle. It still felt like she remembered it did on their last night together. A brief thought flashed through her mind, 'He must be working out to keep in shape'. Her eyes smiled when she felt his heartbeat. He raised an eyebrow when he saw her realize that his heart was beating faster than usual. Her hand felt warm on his chest. He pulled her close again. Her chest was now pressed against his, her hand between their hearts. He once again covered her lips with his, his eyes open this time. Then something changed. She pulled her hand back from his chest, out of his shirt. Only slowly, but she did. He relieved the pressure on her and she leaned back. Back into his hand. Her hand now lay on his arm. She still had her eyes closed, like something told her not to open them or everything would be gone. After a few seconds she opened them nonetheless. Instantly he knew that the moment had passed. He removed his hand from her neck, but didn't let go of her completely. His other hand remained on her hip. When she stood up, her hand slipped down his arm and took hold of his hand where it was joined by the other, so that his hand was wrapped between her smaller ones.

"I'd better get your things for the night."

He nodded and she let go of his hand. His eyes followed her up the stairs. It was better that way, he knew. But being so close to her he just couldn't stop.

When she came back down, pillow and linen in hand, she looked kind of sorry. Was she regretting the decision she'd made? He wanted to reassure her she'd done the right thing.

"Mac, it's okay. I should have done it myself. But with you around I don't seem to be in control of myself anymore," he smiled at her.

"Not only you." She smiled back and started to prepare the sofa he would be sleeping on.

"Mac, about the cookies. We've still got four left."

"Right. Two for you, two for me and I get the milk," she answered, her voice trying to find its usual teasing tone. Teasing was good, teasing was safe.

"I won't argue that. You're offering me a bed after all."

After all cookies were eaten and only crumbs were left Mac moved to leave the room. "You can use the bathroom first, Sailor."

Together they moved up the stairs. At the topmost step Mac stopped and turned. "Thank you for this day, Harm."

"Thank you for letting me come back." He anticipate to kiss her right now. He didn't know if either of them would be capable of stopping it this time.

"Good night, Sailor."

"Good night, Marine."

She let him pass into the bathroom. Thinking back to the moment in the living room when she had needed all her strength to do the right thing, she made her way across the corridor to check on their children. THEIR children. She smiled when she found them all snoring peacefully on the floor. How she would love to have all of them stay. But now was not the time to decide that.


	21. Getting Back

A/N: This time there is something I feel like I need to say. To all those who ever reviewed one of my stories, I wanted to thank you. I'm not a person of many words and thus seldom reply directly to a review. But I read them all and not only once or twice but several times, cause this is what makes writing a pleasure for me. I'm glad that so many people out there like what I do. I hope I can continue writing something you like so that you can keep up reviewing. :) Thank you. 

And now on with the story.

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21 – Getting Back **

"Ouph."

A young child quickly crawled up on the still sleepy form of his father, pushing one of his knees into his stomach by accident.

Harm took a hold of his youngest son to keep him from moving on. He lay on the bigger of the two sofas in Mac's living room. And Kenny had just come to wake him.

"Daddy, look Santa's been here. Did you see him?"

Harm forced his eyes open and focused on the child now sitting still for the time being.

"No. Afraid I fell asleep. Are the cookies gone?"

Kenny checked the plate. "Yes."

A small smile appeared on Harm's lips when he remembered last night.

"Can I open my presents?" Kenny asked bringing his father back to reality by kicking him in the side while trying to climb down from him.

"No. You know the deal. We wait for the others to join us."

"You don't have to wait for us," Aaron said, already standing behind the sofa with Hannah by his side.

Slowly Harm sat up, placing Kenny next to him on the couch.

"But there's still your mum missing." He looked around into the shining eyes of three children on Christmas morning, and couldn't stand up to one of their pleading gazes, let alone their joined forces. "You might wake her up then."

He had to smile at how fast Aaron ran up the stairs to get his mother. And in no time he was back sitting next to the tree along with Hannah and Kenny. Mac however needed some more time to get downstairs.

"Merry Christmas," she said, sleep still thick in her voice.

When she had rounded the sofa to join Harm there, she greeted him with a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Isn't that my sweatshirt?" he asked eying the blue shirt that read US NAVY in bold letters.

"No?" She hadn't given it back to him yet, and she didn't plan to. "It's looking better on me anyway."

He had to acknowledge that this was true. She looked beautiful in his shirt and the sleeping shorts she wore.

"Can we start?" Hannah asked when Mac had finally settled in next to Harm.

"Okay. But each of you is opening one present in turn. Who's starting?" Harm told them the rules.

"I'd say Aaron. He doesn't know that rule yet," Hannah suggested.

So Aaron was the first to reach under the tree and pull out one of the many presents. Carefully he read the card to make sure it was his present. He'd never done that before either. All those years the presents under the tree had always been his alone.

He unwrapped the green paper, just throwing it aside, and found a new baseball glove and a signed baseball inside. Mac smiled at the happy face of her son. She would have to thank the Admiral for getting that gift for her.

Kenny was next, as Hannah said it was the privilege of the youngest. So he almost crawled under the tree to find a card that read his name. When he finally found one, he wasn't much more careful with the paper than Aaron had been. He discovered a bright yellow plastic truck underneath.

Mac smiled at Harm when both their eyes had followed Hannah unpack her first present and the girl was obviously delighted by what she found. Mac was relieved that her daughter liked her present. And Harm was glad that Hannah was finally able to get a present from her mother. He softly placed a kiss atop Mac's head, which rested against his shoulder.

They both took pleasure in the peaceful scene that unfolded underneath the tree. All three kids were taking turns in opening their presents. With the time passing paper piled up high on one side of the tree while the toys were stored on the other side.

Mac had pulled her legs up the sofa and made herself comfortable in Harm's arms. She was only barely awake by the time the children were nearly finished with their presents and only one was left lying under the tree. A box wrapped in bright silver and red.

"Who's left?" Harm wanted to know.

"Hannah's been last. So it's me now," Aaron answered and reached for the last package.

"That's not for me," he exclaimed after reading the card.

"Who is it for?" Hannah asked, leaning over to read the card herself.

"It's for mum," Aaron said and stood up to bring it to his mother.

Both Hannah and Kenny followed suit and joined the others at the sofa.

"It's for me, you're sure?" Mac was fully awake in an instant. She loved getting presents.

"Positive," Hannah answered her mother's question.

Mac swung her legs back down to the floor and sat up straight.

"Let's have a look then." And just like her children she pulled the carefully decorated paper open to reveal the contents.

A white paper box was what she saw when the paper had gone.

Slowly she lifted the upper part and laid it aside.

And what she found inside made her stop. It brought tears to her eyes. Tears she didn't want to drop onto this wonderful present. So she leaned back against Harm's arm, which was still wrapped around her.

She lifted her head so her eyes were level with his.

Softly his thumb brushed the tears from her cheeks.

She didn't need to say a word. All that she felt right now was laid open to him in the look in her eyes.

Softly he kissed her. First her lips, then both her cheeks and finally ending with a kiss on each of her now closed eyes. He tasted the salt of her tears.

Slowly he nodded for her to go on. See what was inside.

And she did. But only when her fingers had carefully trailed over the smooth red leather that covered the book. Nothing much was imprinted on it, only small Asian signs in shining silver and their English translation underneath. Equally in silver it read FAMILY in large letters. And Mac instantly knew what had to be inside.

She carefully opened the cover and found a picture of both Hannah and Aaron in the nursery on the first page. She had never known Harm had such a photo. What followed were pictures of a growing girl. A girl that was happy. The last page was filled with the picture taken in Chicago. The picture that showed them as a family.

"I know we can't make up for the time we missed. But maybe this will help a little." Harm pulled her closer.

"Thank you so much." There were still tears in her eyes.

For a moment both stayed in this close embrace, her head against his chest, his chin resting on her head. Both had their eyes closed and were totally unaware of their surroundings. All that mattered right now was them and what they meant to each other.

Slowly and hesitatingly Mac lifted her head up. She didn't want to leave this place, but she got something for Harm as well and she needed to give it to him now.

So she got up and walked out of the room, Harm's eyes always following her. Where was she going? And while Mac was out of the room the children returned to their own presents, which held much more appeal to them at the moment.

"I wanted to give you that tonight, when we were alone. But now that I got this special gift, you should be given something as well." She was back by his side, presenting a slim blue package.

"You know I could have waited 'til tonight, I don't need much more than you and our children in my life." He reached for the offered present but took hold of her hand instead.

Mac had to gulp on that. He hadn't said that he loved her yet, but this simple sentence had made it all clear to her. He did and he wasn't afraid of committing anymore. He had finally grown up and let go.

Let go he really had. But that had been all wrong. He should have never let go of her and his son in the first place. But now that he was back by their side, enjoying these quiet days with his family had given him so much more than he'd thought he'd ever experience.

"Still I want you to get this," Mac whispered, her voice still hoarse from the new insight into the man she loved.

"What is it? Looks like a pencil case or something."

Mac didn't reply to that; she just continued to watch his face, his reactions.

Carefully he unwrapped the paper and put it aside, neatly folded. He took his time. He always did with things that were dear to him. And Mac's present would surly be.

He revealed a white box, a box like a jewel case. He wondered what was inside. His fingers ran over the velvet just before he opened the box.

What lay within caught him off-guard. When he had thought about the present to give to Mac, he had wanted it to be special, only for her. And he succeeded. But so did she. What lay inside this small box, surrounded by black velvet and shining in the light from the tree, was something equally special and unique.

Harm knew immediately what it was. He had seen it before. But he turned towards Mac nonetheless, wanted her to explain it to him.

"That's a replica of the bracelet Aaron was given in hospital. I got it worked out in silver for you to wear."

Carefully he took the silver bracelet out of its box and held it for Mac to take.

"Would you?"

She placed it around his right wrist. The same wrist he had worn the bracelet to remember his father by. Now there was this bracelet to always be connected to his son.

Quickly he put the box away on top of the folded paper, before he turned back towards the woman that meant so very much to him. And without any further words he placed a passionate kiss on her mouth to say the biggest thank you ever.

When they had to finally part for air again, they returned into the position they shared before Mac got up to get his present. And they continued watching their children playing under the Christmas Tree.

Harm wrapped both his arms around his love, most of the time one of his hands rubbed in small circles over her back or his fingers trailed through her hair. But every now and then they found their way to the silver bracelet.

They ran over the tiny imprinted letters.

Name of birth: Aaron MacKenzie  
Date of birth: 01/07/2005  
Time of birth: 10:25 am

_He'd come with her, was sitting by her side while they watched the latest ultrasound pictures. Held her hand. He had always come. But this day was different. _

_The doctor had just told them that they were expecting twins. Twins. They were not only getting one child but two. He would be a father of two children. Two of Mac's children. He couldn't believe it. Unbelieving, he had asked the doctor if he had heard right. Mac had giggled on that. Only seldom had she seen him that shocked. But the doctor repeated the words. He placed his finger on the monitor. He showed them what he knew to be two heads. Harm's eyes followed the doctor's finger, looked at this two heads that belonged to his children. When Mac asked about the gender Harm pressed her hand. What were they going to have? Would he get, they get, daughters or sons or both? The doctor had a close look at the monitor before he answered. "One is a boy, while the other remains unidentified for now". Harm would never forget those words in his entire life. A son, he was getting a son. It slowly filtered into his mind. Harm was so excited about the news that he spontaneously leaned in to kiss Mac. But when their lips met he immediately backed away. They had agreed on fully concentrating on the pregnancy. Not to complicate things with putting the question of their relationship into the mix. And he planned on staying true to this agreement._

He remembered the day like it was yesterday. The day he had first learned about Aaron. And now there he was, playing with his sister under the Christmas Tree.

A voice brought him out of his reverie. Hannah stood by his side, softly asking if they could have breakfast.

"Sure sweetheart. How late is it anyway?"

Hannah only shook her head, there was no clock around.

Harm tried to have a look at his watch, but couldn't see it when his arms were still wrapped around Mac who had drifted back to sleep.

Careful not to wake her, he slipped out from under her, softly positioning her onto his night time resting place. He draped his blanket over her and softly kissed her goodnight.

Then he took his youngest son by the hand and led the three children out of the room.

Only when they were safely behind the closed kitchen door did they speak again.

"So what do you want?"

All three of them shared questioning looks. What did they all want?

"Pancakes!" they finally decided.

And so Harm turned to make pancakes while his children placed themselves around the kitchen island and waited impatiently for him to present the first ones ready.

The children had already eaten the first round of pancakes and Harm was about to finish the second when Mac silently entered the kitchen. She hadn't made a sound yet. And the finger on her lips indicated for the children to stay calm when they spotted her. But nonetheless…

"Morning Sleepyhead," Harm said without turning around.

"How did you know I've come in?" she asked, quickly closing the distance between them.

"Remember, I always know where you are." He concentrated on the last pancake.

"Yeah." She wrapped her arms around his waist and placed a soft kiss under the hairline on his neck.

As it made him shiver, she placed a second one just underneath.

When the pancake was done, he turned the fire off and turned around in Mac's arms to face her.

"You know I need to feed the hungry pack over there," he smiled.

And just on that, as they all had listened to their parents, both Hannah and Aaron started to howl like hungry wolves and were shortly joined by Kenny.

Mac burst out laughing and let go of Harm. "Better go before they come to hunt us down."

Harm placed the ten new pancakes between his children and both he and Mac joined them at the island. And just like the hungry wolves they had been imitating, the kids as well as Mac pounced on the pancakes. In no time only one was left.

"That's mine. I've only gotten one so far," Harm said pulling the plate towards him, well aware of the hungry eyes that watched his every move.

"Hey, it's your problem when you eat too slowly," Mac teased. She had managed to get three.

"I'm full anyway. May I go back to my presents?" Hannah asked, already climbing down from her stool.

"Okay." But the children had already taken off. He only saw three backs rushing out of the door. "Seems like you gonna be the only one to watch me enjoy this last delicious pancake." He knew that Mac would like to eat it and to tell the truth, he wasn't much interested in eating it.

While eating his first one, he had watched his family and smiled at how much they could all get themselves excited over some simple pancakes. And that had given him more pleasure than eating it himself. So pretending he wanted this last item was nothing more than an attempt to tease Mac, and he succeeded. He knew very well that she would be the one eating it in the end.

"Or you'll be the one to watch me eat it." She quickly reached for the pancake but Harm was fast enough to grab her hand before she could pull it back.

He ripped the part she wasn't holding apart and placed it back onto the plate, so only the small piece sticking between her fingers was left for her. But he wasn't going to give her that either. Slowly he lifted her hand to his lips. His eyes sparkled when he did. He licked his lips, parted his mouth slightly. Her fingertips reached his lips. Bit by bit he tucked them into his mouth, closing his lips around them.

When she felt his lips on her fingertips she opened up her hold of the remaining piece for it to fall onto his tongue.

His hand began to pull her fingers back when he tasted the sweetness of the pancake. But his lips didn't let go immediately. For a last time he sucked on her fingertips before he let go of her hand. A smile played round his lips when he did. A smile lingered on hers as well.

Next he took another piece with his fingers and moved them towards her mouth. Now she copied his actions, but placing a little kiss on each of his fingertips before he pulled his hand back.

And just like that they went on feeding each other until the whole pancake was gone. Not a word was spoken, but many laughs filled the kitchen. They'd never done something alike before, but that didn't keep them from enjoying it the more so.

When nothing of the breakfast was left, their fingers stayed intertwined for a while longer. Neither of them wanted to let go. They'd yearned for a moment like this for so long now. But finally Mac started to speak. She had thought about last night for quite a while before she drifted to sleep.

"Harm, about last night…"

He squeezed her hand a little. "You don't need to say anything. I understand. I should have stopped it myself."

She smiled at him, glad he wasn't offended. "You know, I want it. I want all that with you. Just not now. I'm afraid that if we go too fast, it may not last."

He leaned towards her, his lips coming close to hers. "We're gonna take it real slow." And he placed a soft kiss on them, before he backed away.

But her head followed his, so her lips met his again when he stopped moving. "Yes, we'll do that." He could feel her smile on his lips.


	22. One Life Together?

A/N: To say it with the words of my beta, "Omg, it's finished!!" This is it, the very last chapter.  
A huge thank you to all of you who stayed with me and this story throughout the last 16 months. I never meant to drag it out that long. In fact it should have been finished by Christmas of last year. :P 

So enjoy the end and Happy Holidays to everybody.

_Reni-Maniac _

PS: The song used is by Gary Barlow and the rights belong to him and/or his record company.

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22 – One Life Together? **

And they did just that – taking it slowly, enjoying the time together. That same night they went to Aaron's play, just like they had planned. Harm was impressed with the talent his son showed on stage.

"He obviously has inherited your voice," Mac answered when she saw Harm's big smile.

They used the following days to get to know their children and each other more closely. The days were spent as a family. They went sledding at least three times, spent endless hours in the backyard for Hannah and Kenny to get as much snow as possible, and in the evening Harm turned on the fire for them to relax. During these times, when the light of day slowly faded but the day's impressions remained, all of them were the closest. They talked a lot, most times until the kids would fall asleep. But never during these six days did Harm and Mac ever get as far as they'd been on Christmas Eve again. They shared romantic kisses and had their arms wrapped around each other most of the time. But still both of them knew when to stop.

So the last day of the year arrived.

It wasn't much different from the days of the past week, though. At least not the hours until well into the night.

A game board was situated on the couch table. Cards were spread all over it and the surrounding floor.

"Mum, here's your final question." Hannah turned towards her mother who sat next to her on the sofa to read the question.

And as Mac knew the right answer the game was ended with her winning.

"What should we do now?" Aaron wanted to know. There were still several minutes to go before midnight.

"We could watch TV," Hannah suggested.

"But turn the volume down. Kenny's sleeping." Harm pointed at the little boy that lay on the smaller of the sofas, fast asleep. They would wake him in time to see the ball drop.

They turned the TV on and switched through the channels, but with the volume turned down to a minimum, it wasn't much fun to watch. So they needed something else to do.

"Han, do you want to see mum's old photos?" Aaron asked his sister.

"Sure, might be fun to see." And both children walked over to the sideboard by the window that held several photo albums.

"I think that's the oldest." Aaron pulled out a small black album from behind all others.

While her children settled onto the floor to have a look at her old photos, Mac started to gather the game cards to put them away. Harm helped her find all of them. With that done both of them returned to their places. Harm leaned back in the armchair, tipping his head slightly to the left so he could watch his children behind the corner of the sofa. Mac made herself comfortable on the couch, her back to Aaron and Hannah, she preferred watching Harm watch them.

"Mum, you haven't changed much," Hannah stated seeing the first of the photos.

"Thanks," Mac answered.

Hannah and Aaron went on looking through the photos.

"See, there's dad."

"And Harriet and Bud."

They had fun looking through the old photos of people they knew. And Harm had fun watching them. A smile played round his lips. They seemed to be so close, even though they only knew each other for nothing more than half a year. As the time passed, Mac relaxed more and more. Now she had her eyes closed and only listened to her children describing and laughing about the pictures they saw. Most of them she could recall before her inner eye. That had been happy times.

When the album was through, Hannah poked her brother in the side. "I want to see your baby photos," she laughed.

"No way," Aaron argued, putting the black album back in its place but taking no other out.

"Oh come on." She tried to reach past him for the nearest album.

"You don't know which." He grabbed her hand and forced it down.

"I'll find it."

"The big blue one," Mac said softly.

"Mum!!" Aaron winced and let go of Hannah for a moment.

"See." And she reached behind her brother for said book. "Oh isn't that cute?" she giggled when the first photo showed a naked baby boy.

She turned more pages, and with the pictures getting more decent, Aaron settled into the situation. Every now and then he even remembered what they showed and told Hannah about it.

When Hannah first opened the book, Harm thought about walking over to have a look himself but in the end he stayed at his place and remained listening to them. One day he would watch the pictures with Mac by his side.

Somewhere during the time the kids were occupied with the album, an old song came on in the radio. Soft tunes filled the room. Harm didn't know the song, but the lyrics caught his attention. They matched the moment perfectly. He started listening more closely.

_**Can we share tonight the years we've been apart baby,  
From the time we said goodbye until now,  
How the nights we laughed and loved still feel like yesterday,  
How I'm hoping you still feel the same.  
So strange we're standing here after all this time,  
Strange when the present and the past collides,  
Memories of our days apart I feel they're fading fast,  
Silence for my questions here at last. **_

Yes, he did remember these few nights when he'd been with Mac like they were yesterday. How could he ever forget that? He'd never experienced anything alike before or afterwards. And judging from the tension that had been there on Christmas Eve, he knew that she was feeling the same, that she hadn't forgotten either. And he clearly recalled all the good moments they shared during their friendship.

**_Are you ready now for me to love you?  
Are you ready now to give this love a try?  
Are you ready now for me to give you trust to give you truth?  
Are you ready now for me?  
Are you ready now for me to say I love you? _**

He was ready now. He had finally let go of his lifeline. He was finally able to commit. To say those words she'd been waiting for so long. He only hoped that she was still willing to hear them. Because that was all he wanted now. Wanted to be with her, with his son, with his family.

By the start of the second stanza Harm began to hum the melody along with the music. The sound of his voice made Mac open her eyes and focus on him and the music. She saw that his eyes were shining and that he was lost in this old song. And within the next few seconds she was soaked in as well.

_**The look upon your face shows no surprise baby,  
Guess you always knew when things played on my mind,  
I believe in second chances,  
I believe in love for life,  
I believe you can maybe lose love once but never twice. **_

Oh yes, she did believe. She knew that Harm was her love for life. And they'd lost their love once, but this time she would do everything not to lose it again. She needed him so much. She needed him to love her, needed her daughter to be around, the boys to be with her. They were all she'd ever wanted. They were her family. And she wasn't going to lose them again.

**_Are you ready now for me to love you?  
Are you ready now to give this love a try?  
Are you ready now for me to give you trust to give you truth?  
Are you ready now for me?  
Are you ready now for me to say I love you? _**

She was ready now to take that next step, to give their love the chance they hadn't in the past. Her eyes fixed Harm's. And with this one look they knew that they were both ready. Ready to finally go where they'd wanted to be for so long.

**_Throw the past aside,  
Let's make up for lost time,  
If we let this love pass by we may never find these feelings again in our lives. _**

They both knew that they couldn't make up for the lost time. They'd missed so much. But still if they let this love pass by once again, they would never find another one like this. They should have known back then, with their experience. Neither of them had found a love that lasted, but they had always returned to each other. They were meant to be. And this time they were going to make it work. They were ready now, ready now to give this love a try.

Softly the tunes faded into the background, another song taking their place. But neither Harm nor Mac did realize. Their ears were still filled with the soft melody and all that this song meant. And their glances were still holding on to each other across the couch table between them.

A voice invaded their world, which for a while had blocked out everything else besides them.

"Mum, may we watch the photos in the album Harm gave you?" Aaron asked his mother for the second time. He knew how much this gift meant to his mother. He'd seen her cry over it. And she'd had looked through it each and every day since Christmas. So he figured he'd better ask.

Only slowly did Mac realize that her son had asked her something.

"Sure. But sit here, next to me."

Aaron brought the red book with him and sat between his mother and his sister. Carefully, he opened the book to reveal the picture that showed the twins in the nursery. All three of them had a good look at it, while Harm's eyes remained on Mac and followed her every reaction. He saw that she remembered the days in the hospital, when she still had both her children around.

Aaron turned the page. Hannah lay in her crib, alone. She smiled into the camera, at her dad who'd taken the picture. But at her dad only, not at her mother or her brother. Her father had been the only one there. Hannah was fed by her grandmother. Trish smiled down at her only grandchild, not knowing that thousands of miles away she had another grandchild that would grow up without getting to know his father.

They'd reached pictures that showed Hannah on her third birthday when Aaron suddenly turned back all the pages to the very first.

"Is this the only picture you got of the two of us?" He looked at his mother first but when she didn't answer, he asked Harm.

"Yes," Harm said. It was the only photo he had of his son.

"No," Mac whispered. All three looked at her taken by surprise. "I have them in my bedroom." Silently she stood and walked towards the stairs, followed by Hannah and Aaron.

With a last look at the sleeping Kenny, Harm followed them as well.

Mac took four pictures out of the box she had brought from her bedside table.

"These are from when you were about five days old."

Both kids leaned onto their mother for a better view.

"Would you like to see them?" Mac's eyes focused on Harm who still stood some way off, leaning against a dresser, observing the scene.

He nodded his head. He never knew that she had taken pictures as well. Carefully, he took the pictures and looked at the small miracles. Tears threatened to fill his eyes.

"You want to keep one of these?" Mac asked quietly.

No, he shook his head. "I've already got one." He gave the pictures back to Hannah and reached for his wallet instead. He pulled out an old picture. He held it out for Mac to take.

She had a look at the well-used photo. He must have taken it out a million times. It was bleached by time.

"It's the photo of the album." She looked at him confused.

"Yes, it's the only photo I've got. But I wanted it to be in there, so I got somebody digitally restore it."

"Thank you, Harm." She knew how much this photo must mean to him. She looked at the faded Polaroid and wondered how he got it.

_He was back at the nursery. He could spend hours just standing there and watch his two babies sleep. But he knew that eventually he would have to leave his baby boy behind, never to see him again. _

_His hand touched the cool glass, reaching out for the boy which he wouldn't see growing up._

_"Which one is yours?" a man's voice asked next to Harm._

_"These two." His finger motioned for Hannah and Aaron. It was the first time he said aloud that he was a father, even father of twins._

_"Two will be a challenge! Mine's that sweet little girl over there." The proud father showed Harm his daughter._

_"Congratulations."_

_Both men stood there, soaking in every motion of their newborn children._

_"Sir, may I borrow your camera for a shot?" Harm had heard the other taking some photos of his baby._

_"Sure. They are worth a million pictures, don't you think?"_

_Harm nodded and reached for the offered camera. It focused on his twins, their faces. He would treasure this Polaroid for the rest of his life. It was the only thing he could keep of his son._

Mac's fingers ran over the little faces that were mirrored in the picture. How she longed to turn back the hands of time.

"Hey mum, what's that?" Aaron had found another picture in the box and took it out.

Both Mac's and Harm's eyes immediately focused on the picture. Harm's wide with wonder and Mac's half closed from the memory.

"That's your dad holding you. It had been your last day in hospital." Her eyes found Harm's and locked with them.

"I didn't know you were there," he whispered, taking her hands in his.

_Harmon Rabb Jr. took the newborn baby carefully out of its crib. Two blue eyes looked up at him. Babies that age aren't able to smile, but when he watched the little face he would have sworn it was exactly what it was doing. He had to smile himself. Slowly, he moved to the nearby chair and settled down always keeping the baby safe. Harm sighed, he loved holding his son, just watching him breathe. _

_He had always wished to have a son one day. And now that this wish came true, and it was a son with Sarah MacKenzie, his best friend and one-time partner, he had to leave him behind never to see him again. While he watched Aaron MacKenzie slowly drift back to sleep, he thought about the past and the future. He had thought about it since the day Mac had told him she finally got pregnant. Taking the past year into account, it was the best way to handle things. But why did it feel so bad if he was doing the right thing? Aaron now breathed deeply in his arms. Softly he hugged his son, holding him close. His finger followed the outlines of the little face as to never forget his son's looks. With the last sigh he stood back up and walked over to the crib. Carefully he wrapped Aaron into his blanket and laid him back next to his sister. A sister he would never know about._

_She had come to the nursery to find him. The doctor had just told her about tomorrow's release. She had to tell him. When she reached the station, he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she was wrong about him being there. But these last days he had been with his kids whenever he could – just like she had. She walked slowly to the window. It wouldn't be that long, that she got the chance to see her daughter. When she reached the edge of the window she stopped dead in her steps. So she had been right after all. He was there. He was sitting in a rocking chair caressing his son. It looked so natural on him. He would be, no he already was a great father. She was sure of that. There they were again, these tears. She would never see him to be a father. She would never see him play with his son. She would never see her daughter grow up. For the thousands time she asked herself if they were doing the right thing._

_Unintentionally, her hand had moved into the pocket of her robe and found the camera. She would at least save that picture of him and his son – the only thing of the past she could hold on to._

"I want you to get it," Mac whispered.

"By the way, who of us is older?" Hannah asked after a moment of silence.

"Afraid to tell you that Aaron's twelve minutes older than you," Harm grinned at his daughter.

"Hah!" Aaron stated triumphantly before he added, "It's only five more minutes 'til the new year."

"Okay, let's go back down. We don't want to miss that," Harm said, pulling Mac to her feet.

"Kenny, it's almost time," Harm whispered into his son's ear, when they arrived back down in the living room, his hand running softly over the child's smooth cheek. And the young boy woke slowly.

With his youngest son on his lap, Harm settled onto the sofa next to Mac, immediately wrapping his other arm around her. Mac had her arm around Aaron, who sat by her side, so her hand had taken hold of Hannah's who sat next to him. All five of them watched the TV and had their eyes on the big clock on New York's Times Square.

"Five… Four… Three… Two… One…Happy New Year," they all exclaimed excited.

The first time in her life Hannah hugged her older brother for the New Year. Kenny first kissed his father before he leaned over to kiss Mac as well. She smiled happily on that. And suddenly Aaron climbed his mother's lap while Hannah tried to get on her father's left knee to hug both their parents. They shared their first family hug.

"Happy New Year Dad," Hannah exclaimed in a sing sang voice. "Happy New Year Mum… Whaah!" Kenny's lips had found their place on Hannah's cheek.

"Happy New Year Han," Kenny stated smiling bright at his sister before he slipped from his father's grip to have a look at the fireworks on TV.

Hannah followed him immediately to get revenge for the kiss.

"Happy New Year Dad." Aaron looked into his father's eyes when he said it.

Harm retreated his arm from behind Mac and reached for his son. "Happy New Year my son." He softly hugged him before Aaron joined his siblings in front of the TV.

Harm's eyes stayed on the three of them for a while. He turned his head when he felt Mac's hand on his. Her eyes were shining.

She saw that he had tears in his eyes, just like her when Hannah had said 'mum' first. "Happy New Year, Harm."

"It is now. Thank you so much Sarah." He pulled her towards him to greet their new year with a kiss.

"So what are your plans for the new year, Sailor?" She placed her head on his shoulder, his arms tightly wrapped around her, her hands resting on his chest.

"Oh, how about moving east?"

Mac lifted her head in surprise. Had he just said that he thought about moving? Hadn't they agreed on taking it slow?

"Calm down Mac. I didn't mean to move in here. I meant that the kids and I could find a place closer to here, much closer. Now that I got to know my son, I don't want to miss another second of his life. I've already missed so much. And I'm sure you think the same about Hannah. I want him around. I want you around. You are my family. I'm not going to give that up the second time."

She nodded. She wanted to be part of Hannah's life as well, wanted to have her daughter back. Wanted to have _him_ back in her life. Wanted to love him.

"Sarah, I love you. And I want you to always be in my life. I know we agreed on taking it slow. We did not even have a first date yet. So Sarah MacKenzie, would you do me the honor of going out with me some time this year?"

"Yes, yes, I would. I love you," she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

Their lips touched slowly at first, but with each passing second the kiss gained more passion and love.

That moment was the start of something better. With the start of the new year, their new life was starting as well. A life as a family. A life as one.


End file.
